Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

It was so nice to read everyone's posts. I feel so supported. I wish I could say that I am able to consistently maintain my PMA, but not so. I have been stressed and worried, and I am not sure how much is my M worries and how much is everything else. It is very stressful at work right now, all the deadlines are this week and there is just no way to get it all done. My whole team is pedaling as fast as they can, and we are all attempting to maintain good attitude but it is hard. On top of that we have had a heat spell here, and the air conditioning is broken at the office for the past two days. It's been really really challenging, and the buck stops with me for these projects and tasks. Also D-24's place where she is moving has hit some snafus causing a delay in her move, and this weekend we are moving all her stuff from the storage unit to the garage (now that we just had the garage sale) to save money in the interim.

So right now I'm mostly worried about money. It's a thing I do - it's the one area where my insecurities can come up. I avoid paying the bills when I am afraid we don't have enough, which doesn't help too, because the pile just gets higher and more overwhelming. I have been unsure if H can be counted on as he said he could be. He promised he would "not screw me over financially" and he would make sure I kept the house. We have talked on several occasions since our separation, and have agreed that as long as we are married, that H would continue to pay into the household. However, he has tried a few times to discuss the amount being less than what he was paying when he was living here, and I said I didn't see how that could work. I am still paying all the household bills, including H's medical insurance, truck insurance, etc. and his office continues to be here. So this seems fair to me, and he has agreed (although as I have said, he has discussed "less" a few times and I have not agreed to that - so it may be a "reluctant" agreement).

So I reviewed our on-line accounts yesterday, and he appears to have only about $300 in his business account. Normally he would pay me by Saturday. I have a large pile of bills here and that $1000 is needed. We are actually "in the hole" right now after some losses due to repairs on the house we just sold. Of course, H just spent approximately $1000 on his trip to see OW last week. I don't want that coming up, but it is present for me. So I am worried about $$, and also worried that a confrontation is coming.

I have not heard from H since the day of his return (Monday) when I called him about the citizenship oath ceremony. I hate to be the one calling him again. D-24 called H to arrange to borrow the truck for her move from the storage unit on Saturday, and she did not get a call back yet either. The lack of communication makes me think the worst thoughts of him. I have been fearing a D is coming, something ugly with lawyers and the house and the business at stake, and I don't want that. I actually want my H to come home. And joy, love and integrity present in our relationship.

OK, I am just now thinking DBing. I need to approach him as if the outcome I want is what will happen because that's really what he wants too. How would I behave differently if I thought H really wanted to pay into our household expenses because it makes him feel good and honorable and needed and valued to do so?

I must not whine, complain or get angry. Even if he says he doesn't have it right now. I need to say, "what do you think we should do?" Tell him the situation, let him find a solution. Let him be the man. And me not the mama.

Does this sound right? I have not "protected myself" in any way yet. All accounts are joint. Even his business is "co-owned" by me, as well as the truck. I want to leave the doors open for our marriage so do not want to do anything to force him further out. However, I have no idea what is going on with H at this point, other than he sounded like he had a really good time while he was away with OW. I get scared.

Advice?