Hi PL, I'm so proud of your attitude. It's amazing and humbling to me, so thank you for sharing your journey.
And while I love both of those gadgets, I think you'd really like the iPod right now. My H has had one for a year and I never paid attention to it until the A (would borrow it to go to the gym), and I would not be w/out it now. Bought him another and kept his! Even have the gadget to play it in the car thru the radio speakers. (check on ebay, that's where I got H's with extras!)
Anyway, I raise a pompom for you today - RAH!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
D(24) has a job interview today for a really desirable job in her field. We had fun role-playing her interview. She dropped me off to pick up H's truck on the way to the interview this morning, and the guys at the business next door greeted me and appeared to know I was coming to get the truck. I often wonder if people in H's world know what is happening in our M, and I wonder what has been said about me. It is hard not to be insecure, it is a vulnerable feeling I have to fight against, as I have started to feel like I "don't belong" and am an outsider, which makes me uncomfortable and sad. But I do fight against this, I am friendly, cheery and confident "acting as if" nonetheless.
I went in to H's shop before I left, just to look around. I guess I just wanted to be in his space and see how it is for me now. The new key he gave me does work. The shop was cleaner than I've ever seen it, and H is usually pretty neat (stellar in comparison to most guys in his line of work). But it was even better than usual, very organized and open. I also noticed the photo of H and OW was missing from it's former place. Photo of me is still there, although still not hanging on the wall, just sitting with other things from me on a shelf. Some cards and gifts from me are there too. And of course, things through the years from our home are all about. The mug I got him for his birthday last year, from the little seaside town where we went, is the one he is using. I know he has stuff from OW, but except for the one angel carved statue I know she gave him, and a wall calendar (which was covered), she was cleaned out, not present. Quite different from last time I went there, when I was so struck by the feeling of her presence everywhere, that I backed out of the door like I had been hit by it. So this was more like before, almost inviting to me, like I had a place there with him again. I am not sure what this might mean - perhaps he is protecting "her" from me by taking her out, or perhaps honoring me by removing "her" from a space he knew I would be in while he was gone. Maybe it is only temporary, I dunno, but I choose to think he did this for me. I had mentioned to him a long time ago (February?) that I was sad that my photo was down (the frame had broken) and that someone might see her picture with him in the shop, and think she was his wife instead of me. His response at the time was "no one ever goes in there" and I said softly "I did" and then dropped it. As recently as month ago nothing had changed, and OW was still all about. But today it was different. Somehow, regardless of H's inner workings and motives, I came away feeling that H had made an extra effort to consider my feelings. In fact the whole visit to the shop and to pick up the truck felt that way. I felt that he made an extra effort to prepare for my coming.
I am struck with a feeling that my H still really cares for me, and is trying in many ways to continue to look out for me. He is a good honorable man who really does want to do the right thing. He's just tangled up in an A and an MLC and a fair amount of confusion that goes with all that. Perhaps by just being steady and loving and patient I will be able to support him in getting untangled. I can be strength. I can be solid as a rock. I can be loving. I can be patient and understanding. I can wait to see what happens. It is so not over for me.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi all, My H is back from the visit to OW. That was fast. He called from the airport upon arrival in US, but didn't leave a message, and I did not respond then. However, when I got home today, his invitation to the Naturalization Oath ceremony had arrived - his final step to becoming a citizen - and the one thing I promised him I would inform him about right away. The ceremony was originally postponed due to D's graduation, so that I (and maybe D's) could attend with him. However, I am travelling a whole bunch in July for work, and as June was passing with no scheduled date, I was getting concerned that it would end up on a day when I was not here anyway. Little miracle - believe it or not, it is scheduled for the one Friday in July when I am here, and to top it all off, on our 6th anniversary. I called H tonight, very low key, welcomed him back, told him ithe letter came and it is on July 21 ("Ah, the week you are here!" he says but no mention that it is our anniversary, but he knows, right? we talked about it last week...) So that's a little break for me, at least I am not missing another special occasion with H this year, even if I will need to keep it low key. I did ask him if he still wanted me to go, he said "well, sure, of course" and I told him if he wanted me to make arrangements, for hotel etc. that he should let me know and I would. He mentioned that he would like to invite the two D's (one - my foster D - has not spoken to him since the reveal of the A, other than to send him a scathing e-mail in February telling him she wanted no further contact unless he was coming back to me and to the M). I told him that if he wanted them to come, that I would leave it to him to invite them. I am not sure if I should help him out with that. In thinking about my coaching call today, perhaps yes, as I will get to below.
It seems H had a good time in Germany. It is hard to be enthusiastic about it with him. I did my best to listen and validate. It was particularly moving to him to see all the people from all over the world sharing the experience together, exchanging t-shirts, etc. It is hard for me still as I am so dissapointed about being left out. I did my best to listen. He didn't mention OW, just the games.
When I spoke with him, he was walking on the beach at sunset time to stretch his legs after the long flight, which is a great way to return to our beautiful town. I left the truck for him at the bus drop off point, and left the TV in the truck as he had asked for it 2 weeks ago, but he asked "Is the TV for me?" so I said yes, I thought you wanted it since you asked for it, or if you don't you can bring it back. I am trying not to assume anything but all of these exchanges feel a bit awkward right now. Is it me? Maybe I need to "listen to him" differently - like he is really HAPPY to hear from me. It is so obnoxious to not be able to count on anything and not to be able to take anything for granted. I have friends I assume more with. OK. Will continue to DB. I need to shift my attitude, be more upbeat underneath not just gritting my teeth and "acting as if". I can do this. I left a b-day card and small present in the truck (a nature gift from my many walks - unexplained but symbolic and special, if he ever asks). He did not mention finding the card from D or from me, the small wrapped gift, none of that. We shall see if he ever mentions it. The Valentine's Day cards were not opened for six weeks.
I did well on the call, considering that I am having a harder time with the length of time we have been in limbo. I am still "hon" and "sweetheart" and he seems warm but talked about only business and family stuff. We will help D move this weekend. I will ask him then if he will be staying at the house while I am gone for the weeks in July, otherwise I will need to get a housesitter. There should be at least two months of opportunities and DBing that I can work with before H will return to Germany, if the current pattern holds. I'm still committed to seeing this through. I admit, I don't like it this way. I miss being married, I don't like feeling left out of his life and held at bay. My GALing and DBing are more important than ever now. I will need every support I can find to keep going.
I had a coaching call with DB coach Chuck this morning. It was helpful. Chuck mentioned that I do not want to get to the point that I am gritting my teeth to hold on. I will have to find a balance that works for me, as it is no good if I am miserable, as you can feel that anyway which defeats the purpose.
Chuck also told me a great story about managing walls, which I can share with all of you. My H periodically seems like he has "put a wall up". Often this occurs after some activity or period of closeness between us. Sometimes it appears suddenly in the course of spending some time together, and sometimes it is just the next time we see each other after the last good time between us. Chuck says that many WAS appear to do this, according to the LBS. It may be because they became scared of something (we don't know what) and they retreat behind the wall. The tendency on the part of the LBS is to chase after them at that moment - it's the first impulse. We were just playing with our playmate, having a good time, and suddenly it feels like they are playing hide-and-seek instead of the other game we were just enjoying together. But if we chase after them at that moment, they will run farther, and build the wall higher because they are scared. So while they are behind the wall, we must stay put, don't change anything. I am to think of it like I am having a picnic - a lovely summer day spread. H is going to see me on the little blanket, good food, music, frisbee, whatever, out there having a good time picnicing, when he peeks out from behind the wall. That's when he will want to come out. While he's behind the wall, I just leave him be, keep on having a good time picnicing without him until he comes out again. Eventually, when he figures out I am not going to chase him, he won't need to run away as he won't be so scared of what I am doing. After all, I am just having a great life, on a fine picnic. Nothing scary about that.
The other thing I got out of the call, was that Chuck affirmed for me, based on my sitch, that 1) I am completely different than the other women in his life as I am committed to bring loved ones together for him (as opposed to creating divisions and losses) and 2) I am the one that knows him, that really knows and gets who he is, and what he has done, all of it, and still wants him no matter what. Chuck says these two things are really powerful and important, and I should not forget them. Chuck says I am far and above my H's best choice in life. And if I "win" in this DBing effort, it will be a "win" for H too. These thoughts do give me hope in what might be challenging times.
The family comment was related to encouragement I got from H, as I wanted to write a letter to his son. I talked about this with H in May, since H's son is not speaking to him, and H was really enthusiastic about me getting involved to help bridge the chasm with his son. Son cut off contact when the realized H was having an A. Chuck said I should go ahead and write the letter. These are things that I can do to keep supporting the family connections, which is something none of the other women in his life (not ex, not OW) can provide. So maybe also helping with the immigration day events with the D's. Letting H know I appreciate him and care about him, and I can help make it a special day for him with family.
OK, that's all for now. I am sure life will be interesting in a different way once again, now that H is back. I will do my best to stay grounded. Tomorrow night, I start a 10 week seminar on relationships. As a part of the seminar, I am committed to life-altering transformation in my relationship with my H, generating love, integrity and joy in our marriage. I'll keep you posted.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Not much to say again. You are doing really well and seem to be "getting" more and more each day. I am excited for you taking this class. I think it sounds like great GAL and may also help you improve things! Also, Chuck seems to be helping you a lot which is good too. I have never talked to a coach (mainly money issues) but it sounds like they are a wonderful resource. I am glad you are taking advantage of it.
Keep up the wonderful PMA and take care. Again, you're doing great!
PL!!! You're doing so great! I'm so proud of you, and to have you here....reading your posts, so full of love for your H, are REALLY what motivate me to get in touch with those same feelings inside myself.
Don't give up. Keep on plugging away, and lead your own life.
PL--thank you so much for your advice on my thread. You're right, I still have the "I'll show him" stuff, which are MY walls to opening and receiving and giving unconditional love. I have to pull those walls down. Like the saying "Love like you can't get hurt"
You are wonderful here...please keep on keeping me straight.
PL, having read your thread I find you in such a good place. I love your PMA and am touched by your patience and persistance. Thanks for also telling us about your coaching session with Chuck (I cannot afford one). Please update us on your R seminar.
It was so nice to read everyone's posts. I feel so supported. I wish I could say that I am able to consistently maintain my PMA, but not so. I have been stressed and worried, and I am not sure how much is my M worries and how much is everything else. It is very stressful at work right now, all the deadlines are this week and there is just no way to get it all done. My whole team is pedaling as fast as they can, and we are all attempting to maintain good attitude but it is hard. On top of that we have had a heat spell here, and the air conditioning is broken at the office for the past two days. It's been really really challenging, and the buck stops with me for these projects and tasks. Also D-24's place where she is moving has hit some snafus causing a delay in her move, and this weekend we are moving all her stuff from the storage unit to the garage (now that we just had the garage sale) to save money in the interim.
So right now I'm mostly worried about money. It's a thing I do - it's the one area where my insecurities can come up. I avoid paying the bills when I am afraid we don't have enough, which doesn't help too, because the pile just gets higher and more overwhelming. I have been unsure if H can be counted on as he said he could be. He promised he would "not screw me over financially" and he would make sure I kept the house. We have talked on several occasions since our separation, and have agreed that as long as we are married, that H would continue to pay into the household. However, he has tried a few times to discuss the amount being less than what he was paying when he was living here, and I said I didn't see how that could work. I am still paying all the household bills, including H's medical insurance, truck insurance, etc. and his office continues to be here. So this seems fair to me, and he has agreed (although as I have said, he has discussed "less" a few times and I have not agreed to that - so it may be a "reluctant" agreement).
So I reviewed our on-line accounts yesterday, and he appears to have only about $300 in his business account. Normally he would pay me by Saturday. I have a large pile of bills here and that $1000 is needed. We are actually "in the hole" right now after some losses due to repairs on the house we just sold. Of course, H just spent approximately $1000 on his trip to see OW last week. I don't want that coming up, but it is present for me. So I am worried about $$, and also worried that a confrontation is coming.
I have not heard from H since the day of his return (Monday) when I called him about the citizenship oath ceremony. I hate to be the one calling him again. D-24 called H to arrange to borrow the truck for her move from the storage unit on Saturday, and she did not get a call back yet either. The lack of communication makes me think the worst thoughts of him. I have been fearing a D is coming, something ugly with lawyers and the house and the business at stake, and I don't want that. I actually want my H to come home. And joy, love and integrity present in our relationship.
OK, I am just now thinking DBing. I need to approach him as if the outcome I want is what will happen because that's really what he wants too. How would I behave differently if I thought H really wanted to pay into our household expenses because it makes him feel good and honorable and needed and valued to do so?
I must not whine, complain or get angry. Even if he says he doesn't have it right now. I need to say, "what do you think we should do?" Tell him the situation, let him find a solution. Let him be the man. And me not the mama.
Does this sound right? I have not "protected myself" in any way yet. All accounts are joint. Even his business is "co-owned" by me, as well as the truck. I want to leave the doors open for our marriage so do not want to do anything to force him further out. However, I have no idea what is going on with H at this point, other than he sounded like he had a really good time while he was away with OW. I get scared.
Advice?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I called H on my lunch break today, to find out if I could by any chance pick up the anticipated household check a day early (tomorrow) instead of waiting until Saturday. I am glad I prepared my mental state in advance H was really really bubbly happy to hear my voice when he answered. H consistently seems to like it when I call, despite the fact that it may seem like from many of my posts that I need to back off. I guess finding that balance is key. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and only spoken to him once in that time, so I got that he is missing me right off. Well good. Of course, after the initial bubbliness, I was calling about "business" (picking up the check), and his tone went south. Almost an argument, but I am proud of how I handled it! Convo went something like this:
PL: I was wondering if it might be possible to pick up the household check from you tomorrow? I'm going to be in XX [town next to H's shop] for an appointment in the morning and could drop by after that. I know it's a day early for the check, but I have such a busy day planned on Saturday and need to get it deposited as I have a stack of bills to pay before I leave next week. Would that work for you?
H: I'm not sure. We also need to discuss the amount I'll be paying from now on. What amount were you thinking it would be? We haven't had that conversation, and we said we would after D's house sold.
PL: We have had that conversation several times. Three times. Do you want to talk about it again?
H: We have not had that conversation. What did we agree to?
PL: We agreed that as long as we were married, you would pay $1000 twice per month. I just paid the car insurance, medical and dental blah blah blah
H: We did not have the conversation about the amount. We said once D's house was sold, we would look at the expenses (which should be less now) and make an adjustment to what I would pay.
PL: [Waking up!] Oh, H, you are right. We did not have a conversation where we looked at our spending charts, and the numbers after the sale of the house. We just talked about it a few times casually without the chart in front of us. You're right. I'd be happy to have that conversation whenever you want to. Just let me know.
H: We should have it right away.
PL: You're right. Just let me know when. Meanwhile, I can count on you until we talk to do what we've been doing, right? Because if we change what we're doing, you wouldn't change it without letting me plan for it, right?
H: OK. Right. OK. So you can come by tomorrow. Please call before you come though, OK?
So I believe H is being very reasonable and helpful. He just wants more information. We have had the conversation 3 times about the amount, but not with facts and figures in front of him. There is a trust issue here, for both of us. H wants to know that H's money is going where he wants it to go. That is reasonable. I could take it as a control issue, and become controlling myself, and all would be lost. I needed to support H in feeling heard, and in the middle of our convo, when I heard the tense pissy-ness in his tone, I woke up. Yeah me.
So for now, I get the check. We will have a convo when H asks for it. The ball is in his court. Good. I will prepare the charts and update them for when he is ready. If we make a change, we will make it together. I can show H the facts and let H decide. I do not need to argue or defend. H cares about me. I need to let him be more in charge. OK.
I realized how hard it is for me to have a relationship with H that only includes the absolutely hardest most challenging aspect of my life ($$) - the thing that triggers my fear and angst the most, the thing I most want to control. I would like to have a whole relationship with H, that includes more fun, play and ease. But here's the cool thought: what if I could master the hardest thing for me (or the second hardest thing, since the A is really the hardest thing), in the absence of most of the "fun" things. Boy then trust would be built, and confidence, for both of us. I think at some point H just can't help but see how great I am. Oh DBing I love you. I am growing.
H wanted to get off the phone after the above, and I said "Are you busy - do you have to go?" and he said, "No, why?" with still a bit of a reserved untrusting tone. And I had a chat with him about the other "business" thing I thought he would like better, about D-24's stuff getting moved on Saturday, temporarily to our garage from the storage unit, as a way to save $$. He seemed eager to help, forgot that D had called him, decided that it would be easier and cheaper for us to look into renting a bigger truck for the day, instead of 8 trips back and forth with gas prices the way they are and all with his smaller truck. Okie dokie, will do.
Miracle: H called back 1/2 hour later. Said he talked to D-24 and decided he would give her the $$ for the month for the storage unit, to save us all a lot of time and hassle since I am leaving on my trip next week, he has a lot of work, and we would have to move it again in a few weeks or a month anyway. He told me he did not want me to worry, that everything is going to be OK. I told him how much I appreciate him. Good idea H, I appreciate him so much, and everything he does. All that. Then, we ended up talking more, about the TV I left for him and how to hook it up. [H was having trouble, I am generally the more technically savvy one]. We had a complete misunderstanding in our communication about what he was trying to do, which got very frustrating for H until I made a joke about it and started laughing about the trouble we were having communicating. I finally got him lightened up (and not taking it personally that he was being not understood - a usual trigger and frustration for him) and eventually laughing about it too. And a "see you tomorrow. bye sweetheart" from H at the end.
So... I think I am doing good. As far as I can tell, completely dark is not the road to H's heart. DBing is. As long as I can keep my center, stay lovingly detached, no expectations, I am good. Chuck [DB coach] says to let H be around when I laugh, because I have a great attitude and a great laugh. I can do that! I truly believe H loves me. I truly believe that H wants more than anything to be a good guy. I want to facilitate that, not block it. I also truly believe, if I can do this long enough, that OW is going to fade out like old news. She is not important in the big picture. OW is not his future, I am. OW is just H making sure that he didn't make a mistake when he married me, didn't miss something better, going back to his roots for one more look, making sure he didn't box himself into the wrong life. OW is MLC fodder, nothing more. It doesn't matter how it looks right now. I am still making progress. Everything I say, everything I do, every effort I make, WILL SINK IN.
Tomorrow I am going to see H. Drop into the shop. Looking cute and happy. I will invite him to the 4th of July party at our house. H loves my home-made peach pie, every year he says it's the best. Our loved ones will be there, croquet on the lawn, fireworks. H wants to know he matters, that he is important. I can do this. It's true.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I did my best to listen. He didn't mention OW, just the games. 
(now that we just had the garage sale) to save money in the interim. 
H was really really bubbly happy to hear my voice when he answered. H consistently seems to like it when I call, despite the fact that it may seem like from many of my posts that I need to back off. I guess finding that balance is key. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and only spoken to him once in that time, so I got that he is missing me right off. Well good. Of course, after the initial bubbliness, I was calling about "business" (picking up the check), and his tone went south. Almost an argument, but I am proud of how I handled it! 