Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi all, My H is back from the visit to OW. That was fast. He called from the airport upon arrival in US, but didn't leave a message, and I did not respond then. However, when I got home today, his invitation to the Naturalization Oath ceremony had arrived - his final step to becoming a citizen - and the one thing I promised him I would inform him about right away. The ceremony was originally postponed due to D's graduation, so that I (and maybe D's) could attend with him. However, I am travelling a whole bunch in July for work, and as June was passing with no scheduled date, I was getting concerned that it would end up on a day when I was not here anyway. Little miracle - believe it or not, it is scheduled for the one Friday in July when I am here, and to top it all off, on our 6th anniversary. I called H tonight, very low key, welcomed him back, told him ithe letter came and it is on July 21 ("Ah, the week you are here!" he says but no mention that it is our anniversary, but he knows, right? we talked about it last week...) So that's a little break for me, at least I am not missing another special occasion with H this year, even if I will need to keep it low key. I did ask him if he still wanted me to go, he said "well, sure, of course" and I told him if he wanted me to make arrangements, for hotel etc. that he should let me know and I would. He mentioned that he would like to invite the two D's (one - my foster D - has not spoken to him since the reveal of the A, other than to send him a scathing e-mail in February telling him she wanted no further contact unless he was coming back to me and to the M). I told him that if he wanted them to come, that I would leave it to him to invite them. I am not sure if I should help him out with that. In thinking about my coaching call today, perhaps yes, as I will get to below.

It seems H had a good time in Germany. It is hard to be enthusiastic about it with him. I did my best to listen and validate. It was particularly moving to him to see all the people from all over the world sharing the experience together, exchanging t-shirts, etc. It is hard for me still as I am so dissapointed about being left out. I did my best to listen. He didn't mention OW, just the games.

When I spoke with him, he was walking on the beach at sunset time to stretch his legs after the long flight, which is a great way to return to our beautiful town. I left the truck for him at the bus drop off point, and left the TV in the truck as he had asked for it 2 weeks ago, but he asked "Is the TV for me?" so I said yes, I thought you wanted it since you asked for it, or if you don't you can bring it back. I am trying not to assume anything but all of these exchanges feel a bit awkward right now. Is it me? Maybe I need to "listen to him" differently - like he is really HAPPY to hear from me. It is so obnoxious to not be able to count on anything and not to be able to take anything for granted. I have friends I assume more with. OK. Will continue to DB. I need to shift my attitude, be more upbeat underneath not just gritting my teeth and "acting as if". I can do this. I left a b-day card and small present in the truck (a nature gift from my many walks - unexplained but symbolic and special, if he ever asks). He did not mention finding the card from D or from me, the small wrapped gift, none of that. We shall see if he ever mentions it. The Valentine's Day cards were not opened for six weeks.

I did well on the call, considering that I am having a harder time with the length of time we have been in limbo. I am still "hon" and "sweetheart" and he seems warm but talked about only business and family stuff. We will help D move this weekend. I will ask him then if he will be staying at the house while I am gone for the weeks in July, otherwise I will need to get a housesitter. There should be at least two months of opportunities and DBing that I can work with before H will return to Germany, if the current pattern holds. I'm still committed to seeing this through. I admit, I don't like it this way. I miss being married, I don't like feeling left out of his life and held at bay. My GALing and DBing are more important than ever now. I will need every support I can find to keep going.

I had a coaching call with DB coach Chuck this morning. It was helpful. Chuck mentioned that I do not want to get to the point that I am gritting my teeth to hold on. I will have to find a balance that works for me, as it is no good if I am miserable, as you can feel that anyway which defeats the purpose.

Chuck also told me a great story about managing walls, which I can share with all of you. My H periodically seems like he has "put a wall up". Often this occurs after some activity or period of closeness between us. Sometimes it appears suddenly in the course of spending some time together, and sometimes it is just the next time we see each other after the last good time between us. Chuck says that many WAS appear to do this, according to the LBS. It may be because they became scared of something (we don't know what) and they retreat behind the wall. The tendency on the part of the LBS is to chase after them at that moment - it's the first impulse. We were just playing with our playmate, having a good time, and suddenly it feels like they are playing hide-and-seek instead of the other game we were just enjoying together. But if we chase after them at that moment, they will run farther, and build the wall higher because they are scared. So while they are behind the wall, we must stay put, don't change anything. I am to think of it like I am having a picnic - a lovely summer day spread. H is going to see me on the little blanket, good food, music, frisbee, whatever, out there having a good time picnicing, when he peeks out from behind the wall. That's when he will want to come out. While he's behind the wall, I just leave him be, keep on having a good time picnicing without him until he comes out again. Eventually, when he figures out I am not going to chase him, he won't need to run away as he won't be so scared of what I am doing. After all, I am just having a great life, on a fine picnic. Nothing scary about that.

The other thing I got out of the call, was that Chuck affirmed for me, based on my sitch, that 1) I am completely different than the other women in his life as I am committed to bring loved ones together for him (as opposed to creating divisions and losses) and 2) I am the one that knows him, that really knows and gets who he is, and what he has done, all of it, and still wants him no matter what. Chuck says these two things are really powerful and important, and I should not forget them. Chuck says I am far and above my H's best choice in life. And if I "win" in this DBing effort, it will be a "win" for H too. These thoughts do give me hope in what might be challenging times.

The family comment was related to encouragement I got from H, as I wanted to write a letter to his son. I talked about this with H in May, since H's son is not speaking to him, and H was really enthusiastic about me getting involved to help bridge the chasm with his son. Son cut off contact when the realized H was having an A. Chuck said I should go ahead and write the letter. These are things that I can do to keep supporting the family connections, which is something none of the other women in his life (not ex, not OW) can provide. So maybe also helping with the immigration day events with the D's. Letting H know I appreciate him and care about him, and I can help make it a special day for him with family.

OK, that's all for now. I am sure life will be interesting in a different way once again, now that H is back. I will do my best to stay grounded. Tomorrow night, I start a 10 week seminar on relationships. As a part of the seminar, I am committed to life-altering transformation in my relationship with my H, generating love, integrity and joy in our marriage. I'll keep you posted.