Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

D(24) has a job interview today for a really desirable job in her field. We had fun role-playing her interview. She dropped me off to pick up H's truck on the way to the interview this morning, and the guys at the business next door greeted me and appeared to know I was coming to get the truck. I often wonder if people in H's world know what is happening in our M, and I wonder what has been said about me. It is hard not to be insecure, it is a vulnerable feeling I have to fight against, as I have started to feel like I "don't belong" and am an outsider, which makes me uncomfortable and sad. But I do fight against this, I am friendly, cheery and confident "acting as if" nonetheless.

I went in to H's shop before I left, just to look around. I guess I just wanted to be in his space and see how it is for me now. The new key he gave me does work. The shop was cleaner than I've ever seen it, and H is usually pretty neat (stellar in comparison to most guys in his line of work). But it was even better than usual, very organized and open. I also noticed the photo of H and OW was missing from it's former place. Photo of me is still there, although still not hanging on the wall, just sitting with other things from me on a shelf. Some cards and gifts from me are there too. And of course, things through the years from our home are all about. The mug I got him for his birthday last year, from the little seaside town where we went, is the one he is using. I know he has stuff from OW, but except for the one angel carved statue I know she gave him, and a wall calendar (which was covered), she was cleaned out, not present. Quite different from last time I went there, when I was so struck by the feeling of her presence everywhere, that I backed out of the door like I had been hit by it. So this was more like before, almost inviting to me, like I had a place there with him again. I am not sure what this might mean - perhaps he is protecting "her" from me by taking her out, or perhaps honoring me by removing "her" from a space he knew I would be in while he was gone. Maybe it is only temporary, I dunno, but I choose to think he did this for me. I had mentioned to him a long time ago (February?) that I was sad that my photo was down (the frame had broken) and that someone might see her picture with him in the shop, and think she was his wife instead of me. His response at the time was "no one ever goes in there" and I said softly "I did" and then dropped it. As recently as month ago nothing had changed, and OW was still all about. But today it was different. Somehow, regardless of H's inner workings and motives, I came away feeling that H had made an extra effort to consider my feelings. In fact the whole visit to the shop and to pick up the truck felt that way. I felt that he made an extra effort to prepare for my coming.

I am struck with a feeling that my H still really cares for me, and is trying in many ways to continue to look out for me. He is a good honorable man who really does want to do the right thing. He's just tangled up in an A and an MLC and a fair amount of confusion that goes with all that. Perhaps by just being steady and loving and patient I will be able to support him in getting untangled. I can be strength. I can be solid as a rock. I can be loving. I can be patient and understanding. I can wait to see what happens. It is so not over for me.