Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

H left today for his trip to Germany to visit OW. I am OK. H left two messages for me by phone since I saw him last Friday. Both were friendly ("hi honey") calls but strictly informative, and required no call back, so I didn't. Today's message was about the truck. Told me he was "leaving now", where the truck would be for me to pick up, good luck with my garage sale, told me when he was coming back and where to leave the truck so he could find it upon his return. Although I had offered to pick him up and return the truck at the same time, he obviously doesn't want to see me upon return. OK then. All for the best. I will gas it up, make sure it's clean, and leave it in the parking lot. Not sure yet if I will leave a card or gift for his b-day or not. Maybe just a thanks for the use of the truck. I dunno. Doing absolutely nothing and ignoring his b-day would be such weird behavior for me. But I especially can't see a reason not to acknowledge him for the use of the truck. Especially since H's primary LL is Words of Affirmation. Seems like I need to continue to acknowledge what does work, whenever I have an opportunity. Your thoughts?

I have been procrastinating on making my third pre-paid coaching call with Chuck the DB coach. Finally called today and they were already closed. I would like to have a plan of action in place before H comes back. So much has changed since my last coaching call a month ago. I was so hopeful that H was warming up to me then - Chuck's coaching was "keep up the good work, only make little changes, like saying "no" once in a while" were the recommendations; it seemed like we were gaining closeness. And look at it now. It looks like H is determined to kill off the M. Inside though, my little voice still says, "he loves you, even if he's not acting like it. He's testing you, because he doesn't believe he deserves your love." I am not giving up. I trust my instincts on this, even "in the face of no agreement". It's not over 'til the fat lady sings, right? and she ain't even around! I am in a size 8 now.

I had a remarkably good day, considering. The only thing that threw me off center today was H's phone message. I played it for D later, to see if she heard what I heard (a slightly passive agressive tone was what I thought was present). She said no, she didn't hear that at all, but she did hear forced upbeat friendliness and underneath she said he sounds guilty. She's probably right. I think I am just a little defensive/raw from the rejections of late. He probably does feel weird, telling me he's off to OW land. I hate to say this, but I'm thinking it so here it is: I hope they have a lousy time. I hope something goes wrong, I hope he sees something in her he doesn't like, I hope he has a miserable flight and wonders why he is doing this. Something awful would be nice I'd like to catch a break here. I know it's not really about her. So I wish she'd just get outta the picture.

Last night I went to assist at an event which supports the transformational work that H & I have been involved in for so many years. I listened to the part about integrity, and keeping your word, as the foundation for everything in life - the basis for infinite possibilities. I took responsibility for being a space where integrity is present for all people. I also made a commitment to accomplish a life-altering breakthrough in communcation with my H so that love, integrity and joy are present in our relationship. I am writing that here, so everyone will know that is what I am up to. That's the basis for all of this for me. So, I haven't taken any of their seminars in a while, and the next 10 week seminar is starting next week, and guess what, it's on relationships. OK, I'm signing up, let's see what show up. Should be fun. I am super happy about that. Being where I was last night, I saw alot of old friends I haven't seen in a while. People who know and love H and I. I have decided I will not hide out from them, it just doesn't work for me. No community could be more supportive to our well being. I am careful not to damage H with my words. But I have told some people we are separated, that I am concerned for H, and that I miss him. I can't manage it any other way. Two people wanted to call H - maybe they will. He has dissappeared off the face of the planet and they all miss him too. We have for 6 years, always showed up at these things together. So it was noticed that I was there and he was missing. This time, he lied to them and bowed out. If you are catholic, this is the equivalent of lying to a priest (or if you are married, lying to your spouse ). But also so unlike my H, the man I married, who was committed to integrity in a profoundly honorable way. I pray he will wake up and realize what is happening. When I can get my ego and hurt feelings out of the way, I am present to how much I love my H and wish only for his happiness and well being. I just don't believe he is on the road to happiness right now. And sometimes I worry for his health and mental well being. I have read about mid life depression in men. We shall see. I do not see what else there is to do right now. I have let go of the thin little kite string I was holding, that was attached to H. I am prepared to walk away if that is how this has to go. But I still believe in my H, and his inherent goodness, actually his greatness. He could choose to leave me with integrity and I could handle that. But not this way. I will never believe this is "him". And I believe in and value our community. When we got married, those present at our ceremony were asked to take vows also - promises to support our M should we ever need it. Well, I am thinking we need it now, H agreed to that when we married just like I did. We made that ceremony together. I am widening the circle in our crisis. I am calling on our community to hold our marriage. This does not necessarily mean that anything will be said to H. It just means some people who love us will be holding the space in their hearts for our marriage too. I believe this will make a difference. I wonder what will happen now.

Thanks everyone for your continuing words of encouragement. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. I am also blessed with good friends and a loving family, right here. Today, I took a long walk on the beach with my D and the doggie. Beautiful sunset.

This weekend, we will have a big garage sale. I have been overwhelmed with all of this stuff that came home from D's house, and also on top of what has accumulated over the years. The garage is full (FULL). Desks, bookcases, TV's, outta here. I need a simpler life. I am hoping for enough money out of it to treat myself to something I want, like a new digital camera or an ipod. Replacing the big things with little, useful things. We shall see. Either way, I'm loading the truck and donating the rest to charity at the end of the day. It's not going back in there. I want my life back. Something simpler, something that honors me. Something uncluttered and pure. To honor my journey.

I'll keep you posted.