Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, Well the issue of the importance of not judging is a pretty interesting inquiry for me. I think what my H is doing is wrong. I don't think it's OK. I think my H is a much better person than his behavior currently would lead one to believe. So I am judging (not accepting) of his behavior, but I believe in him and in his inherent goodness and worth. You said:

I think the decision to tell a family member depends very much on the person. If the family member is going to react with anger and rejection toward the SOB who would do such a thing, then it isn't helpful. If it's someone who can honestly and openly talk to the WAS without judging him, then I think it can be helpful.

I think my SIL for example, would still love my H, and believe in his goodness, but I believe she would also think as I do, that his current behavior is wrong. She is married to my H's brother, and she has already told me that she is concerned about the possibility of MLC for her H (my BIL), as she has seen several of her own brothers get divorced at the same stage of life. So... I am not sure if she condemned the A behavior, if this would be considered "judging" or just honest concern about undesirable/destructive behavior. Her parents have just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary (which we all attended together last year) so in her family, a long loving marriage is valued.

As for my motives, I have a few. 1) I want some of the family members to understand what has happened, so we can maintain our close relationships with honesty and so the family won't judge ME by thinking I kicked my good hard working H out for capricious reasons 2) I want others who care about him to to tell him that they are concerned for him, or that they think the A is wrong, if they feel moved to do so.

So your compassion for my H, in terms of having someone to talk to, was not the first thing I was thinking about. I was thinking about what I wanted. But you are right, I think that would help H very much to be able to talk more openly as he is really isolated right now; although on his own so far, he seems uninterested to initiate calling or talking to anyone about personal matters to any great degree. He has told a few local acquaintances that we are separated. He told one customer/friend (a retired psychologist who spent last 4th of July with our family) that he was having an A, and she said "Well you have a big mess on your hands, a lot to sort out and figure out now" and that was the whole conversation as he tells it. His relationships with his family members are pretty superficial (a lot of joking and playfulness goes on, but not a lot of depth - very very seldom do serious conversations occur between them and H).

So, no one that I would talk to or confide in would treat H like he is an SOB or react with anger. But they might not agree with his behavior. I don't have a clue if they would talk to him about it or not, it's entirely possible they would listen to me but never say a word to H.

For me, I don't like secrets especially "bad" ones. I like people included and related. H is more private in general than I am. I wouldn't want to make matters worse than they already are, if possible I would prefer taking steps that will make things better. So, in that context, do you all think sharing our sitch with family members is a problem or a good thing?