Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi lucyhelen, Thanks so much, that was really helpful. Currently my H is calling about 3 x more per week than I am calling him, but I still think I am initiating the "fun" and "check in" calls while he is more about business and family updates. I think I will stop all "fun" invites and "check-ins" which were attempts to draw him out, and stick strictly to initiating only essential business, and see what happens. They did seem to "work" in the sense that H would warm up quite a bit in the course of the call, and usually tell me he was happy that I called, etc. by the end. So that has made it hard for me to guage. It seems like every time I call, he is reminded that he does actually like me after all - just a little tickle in that arena. Knowing that the majority of his A is on the phone also, has been a confusing element. I thought since I had the advantage of phone coupled with more available face-to-face, that that would be good for my sitch. However, recently I think it has caused him to miss OW more, and take me for granted. When we were taking all those trips together in the spring (fixing up the house, D's graduation, etc.) and staying in hotels together, it was better than now. However, H invites me to do fun things sometimes too. I guess this is the "say no at least 50% of the time" part - and I haven't been doing that, for sure. I have been mostly available to him. And emotionally, I am so available. I have always been a pretty exuberant and enthusiastic person, so being "mildly" anything will be a challenge! Nonchalant would definitely be a new behavior that no one in my life has ever seen in me A few times I have not been around when he said he would come by the house, but that has not phased him at all. Even my D says he runs in and out in less than 2 minutes, which she finds very upsetting. I am sure it is confronting for him to be here right now, especially with D currently here. She's uncomfortable, as home does not feel the same and it is hard for her too. So I am sure he runs in and out rather than feel it. So it seems like I just need to be more committed to backing off than I have been, and see what happens. That will be new. I am already planning NOT to see him again before he leaves on his trip on Wednesday. He is leaving me his truck to use while he is gone. I already have a key though, and know where it will be parked, so no need to exchange anything. Because he wouldn't be driving himself to the airport, I did offer to pick him up at the airbus stop upon his return. But he will have to communicate his itinerary and make the request to confirm with me or I will not pursue following through. It will be interesting to see what happens there.

This is the part of what you said that really feels right on for me:

I figured I had to make it worse before it could get better. But don't TELL him what you're going to do; just quietly and calmly do it. If he says anything, tell him the truth. Tell him it hurts too much to be with him knowing he is thinking about someone else and you need to take a break from it. There's nothing wrong with that and he can't argue with it. He's doing what he wants; you have the same right.

It does hurt too much to be around him each time - that has been the problem. I go out with him, get all relaxed and happy, and then he reminds me that he is not "with me". It does hurt, and I am happier when it is not rubbed in my face every time I see him. H's honesty is good, but it will be better/easier when it is more insightful and he shares that with me. Right now it is just gooey addictive "in love" froth on his face, and I would just as soon skip that part a little more. I do believe it will pass. Seeing him less will allow the time to pass more productively for me.

I guess that means I will probably be dark re: his birthday (which he will be gone for anyway). I do have a gift and a card for him, I think I will just set it aside for someday in the future when we are "together") And I am hosting our annual 4th of July party as usual, which now I will not discuss with H. I travel for almost 3 weeks in July for work too. H has been invited to come every year, and still claims he is "considering it" for this year. I will not be bringing that up. And anniversary also in July (first one in six years when I will be home for it - and H knows this too). It should be an interesting month.

I do have a C. H & I were in MC but he quit in February. I have continued. She is supportive, but not directive. Sometimes I feel frustrated there too, I'd love her to wave the magic wand - it is only because I want things to go faster She is understanding of my DBing efforts, and does believe (as DB coach Chuck also believes) that I am my H's best life choice, and he is bound to realize that at some point. So patience is my mantra...