Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi lucyhelen, Thank you so much for writing to me. Your post gave me a lot of hope. I didn't realize that you had been through this and have also come out the other side with your M. Thank you for that. I was just saying to a friend tonight that I really needed to hear from someone who had been where I was, and the M survived and came out the other side. It really helped to hear that. I do think my H loves me. I do think it is in there somewhere. He's just not present to it right now, when all he thinks about is OW.

I have considered "going dark" a few times. My detachment process would be a lot easier I believe. Whenever I have gone away on a trip, I have really gotten calm and centered without H around and lots of other things to do and see, and other people to be with. However, I have not figured out logistically how I could make it work to go dark on home turf. H has a lot of work he intends to do on our house, and his office is still here. So right now, he has open access to our home, even though he is not staying here. I could change that, of course, but I will probably lose out on some home repairs and maybe even the financial contributions. Of course, he hasn't done much work lately anyway, so... maybe it wouldn't be any different, or maybe it would even get better if he had to make more of an effort. H hates "rules" though (especially if I have been the one to create structure), so I have been resistant to making any "rules" at this point. But my question is, can going dark mean being less available but not completely unavailable? How do you handle money, business stuff, etc? If I decided that was the most helpful route to go until the A was over, do I say so to H (like the explanation in Michele's After the Last Resort Technique, or Harley's Plan B - write a letter)? That's what I feel like could be needed - but is that just me thinking I need to communicate instead of act? I just feel like H needs to understand any change or choice I am making to pull away in the context of what my intentions are about the M, rather than I just dissappear and have him make it up that I don't care anymore. Or is that all "going dark" is, just dissappearing? Not to sound dense, but your specifics on the "how to's" of going dark would be helpful (how you managed it yourself, for example), in case that's what I need to do. I just want to make sure I can follow through and be consistent rather than being confusing and inconsistent. I don't want to say something and then behave differently. I do think it is entirely possible H sees me as easily available. I am super reliable to him. He thinks he knows me inside out, and that nothing about me will ever change. I think he thinks of me a lot more like a "mother" than a lover. I would surely like to stir up that thinking.

Just knowing that what you did worked after a year or so, gives me a lot of hope and strength. Also, thanks so much for the support to just allow my feelings. I am a pretty good crier (just not around H anymore). Since my D has been here though, it has gotten a little harder, as the whole sitch is upsetting for her, and I don't want to add any more upset to that for her, and my place is small. But she's gone right now 'til Tuesday, so I'll see what I can exorcise! It really made me feel better that you had all of those "bad" feelings too, like smashing OW's face in the dirt . I don't like it that I think that way sometimes, I'd rather be saintly and all forgiving... but alas I am quite human, but doing a pretty good job of being human and it is nice to know there are other supportive and similar humans out there letting me know I am not alone. Thank you for that