Yes, pace this to how it suits YOU. I am feeling your pain and I mean that sincerely because I've been there. I got soooo tired of having to be upbeat and cheerful when I wanted to scream at him and take OW and mash her face into the dirt...sigh. It's so frustrating to have to swallow all that and pretend you're feeling just fine. I didn't have this board or the books but I did have a counselor who was a great help to me.
Sometimes even when you want honesty you don't want honesty. I can well imagine hearing your H say his heart isn't with you would hurt alot. But, his heart may not be with you NOW, the thing is, is it gone forever or only temporarily? The frustrating thing about it is that only time will give you the answer and who wants to wait??
I was in the same sort of situation where I just got tired and weary and started to even feel like I hated him because no matter what I did or didn't do or said or didn't say etc. etc. nothing seemed to work. He wanted to be with OW. So I talked to my counselor and she said, Give yourself a break.
That's exactly what I did. I went dark. I stopped calling him and I withdrew from him. I didn't want to because my H is like yours--out of sight, out of mind. But my counselor said no. That may be with others but not with his wife. He's NOT going to forget you and you're not going to fade away.
Well, for me it worked. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I went dark. I'm not a person to do that and I fought it every day. But I stuck with it. My C told me to stop making myself available and loving and accessible. She said why would he make any effort towards me when I'm doing it all and he doesn't have to?
I had to wait almost a year while he was with OW and it nearly killed me. But it worked. He told me he was in love with her and no longer in love with me. That was at the beginning of their affair. But they lasted about a year and we have been together 10 years. I knew deep down I was the one he really loved.
Now whether you should do that or if it would work for you or if you even want it to, I have no idea. But I think you are making yourself too available to him. He knows he has you right there whenever he has any kind of need to get in touch. So don't be available.
And don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are normal and I went through every one of them. You can NOT be upbeat and positive all the time. I couldn't do it MOST of the time. And I didn't try. I tried around HIM but when I was alone I let myself be sad because in the long run it helped me rather than fighting it all the time. Everyone is different; you need to find who you are and what you know works for you and do it. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing.
Cry every day while he's gone if you want to. So what? He'll never know! Do what YOU have to do to make it through to the other side.
