Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, I am falling short in following my recipe. I am lacking patience. Lacking compassion. Still being kind, but it's an "act as if" for sure. Not feeling kind. I am now feeling quite P.O.'d. I have been H's yo-yo and it is no fun no more. The best I feel I can manage right now, is to do nothing further - to take no action so as to avoid damage or destruction. If I can just get through the next few days without doing anything unplanned or emotional towards H, during these few days until H goes to visit the OW, well that would be a small success I guess. Because it sure feels like I want to do something else. I am ready to do some damage. I am feeling really mean and spiteful and ready to hurt him back. And tell my H that he's going to hell in a hand basket, and that I quit. I promised myself that I wouldn't quit, no matter how dark it gets, no matter how bad it looks. I promised myself I could do this. Geez. I'm not sure anymore.

I am beginning to dislike my H a lot. But it turns on a dime. It is hard to respect and admire someone who is doing what he's doing. It also hurts, and it seems he goes out of his way to hurt me, to "put me in my place". OK, here's some compassion: H has historically not been good at expressing his wants and needs. Now that he is beginning to, I don't like the direction he's going or the things he says... How's that for no fun, poor guy. Maybe I'm just a selfish self-centered know-it-all. I've been pursuing, in little and then not so little ways. Got the slap back. You know, maybe my H and I will never see eye to eye, and I would not feel so bad right now if I was with someone who admired, respected and loved me, and wanted to be my H. Of course he did once. But he doesn't now. And as I am losing my patience, and feeling more frustrated, I am making it worse for me. Good he is going away. I hope he figures out what'll make him happy. Because, I need a break, to reevaaluate what I want too. Right now, I am just feeling like I want it to be over, some kind of direction clear, some kind of decision made. This stand I have taken has me feeling so alone.

I have been believing that my H is in MLC. That he will at some point "wake up". Meanwhile, he is pursuing OW with fervor and glee. He still wants to see me, though; hold my hand, call me "sweetheart" and "hon", wear the wedding ring. It's all too confusing for me. I think I make those things "mean" something. They do mean something to me. But who knows what they mean to him.

There are many cynical doubters in my life these days too. Even here on the boards, there are many doubters. Maybe it's just reality to them. But it's affecting me and my PMA is sinking. Things that have been ringing in my ears: "I don't think he's as smart as you are", "He's not worth it" "You need to protect yourself" "Just walk away, he's no good" "I could have seen this coming" "Change your locks and get new bank accounts" "He may not take marriage as seriously as you do" "He's unable to keep his commitments - look at X Y Z in his past" "His behavior is selfish and immature" "Are you ready to date again?" "Protect your children and yourself - give him his walking papers" "He can't ever be trusted" "He lied, that's it" "He's was married to his first wife for 5 1/2 years, and he's been married to you for 5 1/2 years. Maybe that's what he'll do over and over." "He's never coming back, he's just not telling you."

WTF. How do you all do it?

Last night H & I went to a movie and to dinner. After a fair amount of soul searching and centering during the week, I called H during the day to ask if he wanted to catch a movie. He had called me 3 x, so I did what a friend would do. Very casual, OK with me either way. He was excited, knew what he wanted to see (these are all new behaviors for him). Went to see Nacho Libre, and H said let's have dinner after. He treated to the film and dinner out of his business account (even though in the past we always used our joint account. He has been doing this lately, as he "got" that I like it when he pays the bill (even when it comes out of the joint account). I was fun to be with, cheery mostly and fun. He told me over dinner how happy he was that I had called and asked him out. But, the tide turned somewhere later in the dinner. Romantic spot, italian food, lovely lighting. Maybe it was too intimate. He started getting impatient for the food to arrive. Then, started avoiding eye contact - I mentioned his eyes were darting around like a rabbit... H wasn't pleased with the food, I could tell. He just became increasingly irritated in small ways. I had two glasses of wine with dinner, and I remained jovial and relaxed, but I also lost my inhibitions a bit and on our walk back to the car, I made an error. We were walking through a "paseo" in our town, where we have been many times before. We were holding hands, and walking close, he was chatting about some of our memories there, and I recalled outloud, "We kissed right there once", and he said "yes". And I said, "We could kiss there again" and he said "My heart's not with you." Followed by "I need to be honest, right?" Total show stopper. I wish I could say that I could DB through these things, and say something like, yes thank you for being honest with me, that's important and I really appreciate it. But I didn't. It hurts my feelings, and he is really good at stopping the action. On a dime, I am stopped. I got quiet. The laughter's gone. The evening I just want to end by then. I want to run away and never see him again. I just forget, you know? I think I am on a date - we've had dinner with little twinkle lights and a lovely stroll on a balmy summer night. And I look cute and sexy and he's holding my hand and we've had eye contact and reminiscences. And I forget the bomb, the push away is coming. How does he do that? I could never. I just get caught up in the moment and I want it all. Poop.

But did I stop there? No. When we got home, he came in to get his mail. I laid on the bed for a few minutes visiting with the cat, while he was in the office picking up mail. He peeked his head in and said "Thanks for a nice evening, bye" and I was still feeling all punky and weird. But I got up and walked him to the door, held his face in my hands for a moment and looked him lovingly in the eyes, and then said, "I know you have forgotten who I am right now, but I know who I am." I don't remember exactly what else was said but it was quick on his part whatever it was and he was outta there. If he felt like running before, I'm sure he felt like it even more after. I made it about me.

So I was pushy and pursuing twice. Then I wrote him a long letter this morning (which I did not send, BTW) just telling him everything. Asking him to end the A with OW, and to keep his word and to be in integrity, even though he might feel like he doesn't want to. Because you can't truly be happy if it's at the expense of others. Blah, blah. Don't worry, I won't be sending it (today anyway). Shoot, he's already deaf to me now.

Besides writing the letter, here's all of the things I've fantasized about doing in the past 24 hours:

Telling him to go to hell.
Calling a lawyer to initiate a D, and take him to the financial cleaners
Packing up all his stuff, and putting it in his shop.
Snooping (computer, shop, truck, whatever)
Calling the OW
Writing to the OW
Telling his brother, SIL, mom what a unfaithful H he has been and giving them names and phone numbers
Buying him some books on how to end the affair, MLC, etc.
Insisting on MC
Screaming
Dating
Having sex with strangers
Telling him everything I think about everything he has done, in great detail - ie, making him WRONG with lots of evidence

There's probably a few other thoughts that have come up in addition, but you get the gist. So? What have I been doing? I went to a student meeting. Went to the bookstore, decided to try some novels instead of M and school books, to see if it would help (maybe I need distraction ) Taped the world cup games today, so I could watch them (with or without a "party" of buddies). Took a walk downtown - beautiful day.

Next things I will do: I will take a walk on the beach with the dog. Do my reading and homework. Watch the games. Call to make the DB coaching appt. Pay my bills.

I am sorry I am not happy. I don't like it. I am responsible, but I can't quite figure out what to do. Seeing H makes my unhappy a fair amount of the time lately, as it's a 50-50 proposition with H at best anytime I see him - never know which H I will get, or if the same one will stay through the whole visit. Sometimes I feel like I have sold my soul. I want it back. But I won't be happy with a D either. I have said I am not a victim, that I am choosing this. But it feels WRONG. And I do feel stuck.

Ok, y'all. Insights into H's world and feelings might help with my compassion. Most of the books I have read support my point of view.

Also, if I just pace this to how it suits me, is that enough? Is there anything I could be doing, other than detach detach? Sounds silly to say that, but there it is.