Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

H called me yesterday and left me a VM message - I am still "hon" and "sweetheart" and the message was all family matters: did I straighten out the COSTCO membership (I was sthe one who was supposed to pay, but he paid when he went on the same day I paid it, without checking with me) and how are the 2 D's doing with their jobs (both were supposed to hear back after final interviews)? My cell phone has been on the fritz, but that was my excuse as I actually wasn't in the mood to call back yesterday so waited 'til today. He seemed happy to hear from me, seemed a little surprised (miffed?) that I wasn't planning on "straightening out" the COSTCO thing. I am always such a fixer, always handling these things for us. So I suppose it's a 180. I told him (nicely sweetly) that I didn't really care to inquire about it, and I didn't really care if they gave us credit 'til next year or whatever, I was sure it would show up at some point. Pretty casual about it. I am sure he was surprised by that, I am the one who usually watches the $$. So he said, OK who ever is there next time can fix it. And re: the D's, I told him no news yet on their jobs. I ended the convo pleasantly, but kinda quickly as I was at lunch with a friend. He seemed to want more conversation time than I offered, but I had a limited amount of time, a friend waiting and a dentist appt to get to right after.

I don't want to fall back into my "busy routine" with him not in my life, H could be just squeezed out. I can be unbelievably good at filling my time. I can already feel how easy it could be to have weeks and months go by, for the whole thing to just fade away. I am not sure what to do about that. I believe H could wake up seven years from now, and say "I wonder what ever happened to PL?" Most everyone else usesthis as part of the "Last Resort Technique" (GAL, etc.) However, I have been careful to continue to check in with my H and to keep some regular contact, mostly because I have seen him be an "out of sight, out of mind" kinda guy in most relationships in his life. If the other person contacts him, he loves it. But he rarely initiates contact with anyone (except OW right now of course). But I can feel myself just letting go. It feels like one of those dreams, where you are falling, falling, and the person you were standing next to is getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Don't get me wrong, I am cheery and sweet almost all of the time when I speak to H or see him, and I genuinely like him and actually feel deep love for him every time I see him. But being a primary LL Quality Time kinda gal, the less I see him, the harder it gets to generate something. And should I continue to try to initiate and generate? I notice I am still quite easy in being responsive. But I am not clear if I should keep trying to initiate anything anymore. DBing is hard work, a seemingly active thing. But am I supposed to keep doing things in H's direction, now?

So the H's birthday is coming. I need help on this one. He is spending his birthday with OW in Germany. Do I acknowledge his birthday, before, after, not at all? Card, present? I am struggling with this, because I have always made such a big deal of birthdays for my loved ones. If I ignore it, it almost feels vindictive it is so unlike me. But honestly, a card seems like such an obvious holding back, contrived, unlike me also. OK - maybe a modest gift of some sort, left in his shop for him to find when he returns? I feel silly asking you all this. It is just awkward. I'm sure I can figure it out. It's just that I would like to BE with H, that's the problem. I like to give him things that get him away from the "work work work" and have him relax and connect. He usually does not do that for himself much. But this year, OW's got it covered, it seems. That is his choice, to be with her. I sure would like a break (or a breakthrough) from the universe in that department. Just a little pin in H's fantasy balloon that would send a little help my way. I guess that would be MY birthday present.

H is all worked up about the world cup. Asked me if I knew the score of the game today. You have no idea how much I love soccer, and how little I want to talk about this with him right now. I do not want to allow this A to put a damper on soccer for me. But that is how it is feeling right now. H is going to the games with her. We talked about it last year when we were in Germany, about going back this year for the games, and now he is going on his own to see her. I can't even turn on the TV right now. If H & I watched one game together, it would help me, believe it or not. I'd have some memory of the games with him, not just thoughts of OW with him as it is right now. I know this is unproductive thinking, but I do not know how to turn it around right now. It's just a trigger. Right now, World cup = H's A. Watching them alone, or even with other friends isn't gonna fix that, unless the friends can really really really be silly, fun, and distracting. Maybe I should create that. Maybe that would help. Silly friends at my house watching soccer on a Saturday afternoon. I wonder if I can get them to drink some beer (they are all so healthy) OK, I think I will ask for help, tell my friends that I know that I need them for this. I can do this. I just can't let the A have this part of me.

**** H just called. I gave him D's old lap top, since his "real" computer is here and he wanted to access the internet etc. sometimes in his room. I guess his roomate is helping him connect, he needed the password. I gave him the laptop because he wanted it. But why does every step he takes to make himself comfortable over there feel so much like that falling falling feeling of him fading away?

I, who try always to be positive, am very tired on this front. My job is fine, my D's are as good as could be considering what has happened to our family, the weather is amazing, I took a two hour walk on the beach tonight and saw an amazing sunset, I have a beautiful home, a cute dog and cat, I am in school in a program I love, I have great friends, I've lost weight, have new clothes and even got my teeth whitened today, my God I could go on and on about "life is good." But I want my H and I want a healthy happy thriving M. Why does there have to be a "but" ... Will I ever learn patience?

I have decided to make the appointment for my third coaching call which I prepaid some time ago. It is time for a little more support. The last coaching call I had, I was really feeling like the sitch was turning around. Since then, it has not improved (perhaps gone the other way?) or at the very least it is quite stagnant. I understand that is to be expected as long as OW is alive and well in H's life. Poop. I need to find my glass half full thinking. I am having trouble with that. Perhaps a coaching call will help.

H will be gone June 21 - 26. The countdown, again. I remember last time, the anticipation was the worst. I am calmer this time. Anxious, but not quite as anxious. But sad. Looking for progress. Maybe I should re-read my thread. There must be some progress here, and I am forgetting to watch for the baby steps.

OK, here are some positive things from the past month:
H is telling me the truth more.
I am telling the truth in slightly larger doses, to H.
I have expressed some wants to H, and they have landed.
H has said "I am sorry that what I am doing is making you unhappy" and has also said several times "Don't worry, everything will be alright." I believe he is concerned about my well being in addition to being concerned about the D's.
We have gone on a few dates.
We have slept in hotels together.
H has attended family events (such as D's graduation).
I am healthy, exercising, eating right, reading alot, etc. and I am looking cute (and this is new - even getting friendly attention)
I have been to plays, movies, restaurants, and even bars to hear music

OK. Recipe for the week: Patience. Love. Understanding. Kindness. Compassion. More patience. All that. And if I need to cry a little, well, so be it.