Well, I guess a good evening of dissapointment and a cry fest are really good for me, in terms of reevaluating my goals and priorities and releasing pent up emotions/frustrations etc. Also, I went to church this morning, and got infused with a good dose of PMA and hope there. I had not been going for a long while except for major holidays, and since my return 2 months ago, I have stayed somewhat invisible, partly due to feeling a bit emotionally "raw". I have been hanging out in the bookstore, savoring every moment of the sermon, but not doing much socializing (which is different for me, usually I am a major extrovert). However, today I ran into an old acquaintance/friend, who had also taken a long break from church, and was now returning at the request of her elderly mother, so they are going together and she's charged up about it too and was really happy to see me. She immediately circulated me to three more people and then three complete strangers also came up to me and wanted to know if I was new etc. and introduced themselves to me. Support is coming out of the woodwork, and my community is enlarging once again to enfold me in love. I am grateful.
I prayed and pondered on my situation with my H. lucyhelen, you said
Quote: He is probably doing the best he can do at this time.
and I thought about that. I am quite sure that is true. What's it like to be in his shoes right now? Then I reviewed my ultimate desire for reconciliation and my spiritual commitment to unconditional love. Then I also re-read a little bit from one of my favorites, "Your Husband's Mid-life Crisis" by Sally Conway.
After a lovely lunch in my garden (salmon on salad - there's lots of salmon left ) and all of this good food for thought, I called H and apologized for being impatient with him last night. I told him I was dissapointed that he didn't come over, but I was sorry that I was "short" with him. In addition to looking forward to being with him and connecting, I told him I had wanted to make his life better too, and was having trouble figuring out what would be helpful to him while he is so busy at work and so tired. I appreciated how hard he is working. (H's primary LL are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service). This was a very successful conversation. I think he expected me to call him mad and/or complaining which I did not do, and perhaps he would have avoided calling me for days. (Unlike the old me - always before H complained that he was the one who had to apologize after an argument, and I never did - he usually felt wrong). I kept it short, but H kept telling me I had nothing to apologize for; still I know it helped. H then asked a few ?'s about how D is doing and about our finances and I gave him the scoop on D and told him the finances convo needed to be more extensive when we have more time to look at and discuss the details. I will not be calling again until/unless he calls. But I am committed to leaving the "space" between us clean and clear, and continuing to be a person he can speak to, who will take responsibility for my part of our interactions. I believe I accomplished that, and he is left feeling as empowered as possible too. It is unimportant to me whether H can reciprocate doing that himself right now or not - mostly I do not feel that he can do that currently, nor do I expect it. It's just not OK with me to leave "muck" in the space when I can do something about it, so now all is clear.
Tonight our church is having an internationally renowned speaker providing a tranformational workshop on being free of the negative baggage of fear, anger and unworthiness - creating an approach to life as a joyous adventure. If I enjoy it tonight, there is another one tomorrow night on taking charge of the creative process of life, based on my priorities. Invited a GF to go, should be fun. The speaker signed a copy his book for me today, and wrote a personal message to me about light and love emanating from my eyes and what a joy that was to see. That was really nice, I will cherish that.
Good progress from last night to today. Thanks, y'all for sticking with me as I continue to work towards my center and truth in the face of adversity
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
(salmon on salad - there's lots of salmon left 
) and all of this good food for thought, I called H and apologized for being impatient with him last night. I told him I was dissapointed that he didn't come over, but I was sorry that I was "short" with him. In addition to looking forward to being with him and connecting, I told him I had wanted to make his life better too, and was having trouble figuring out what would be helpful to him while he is so busy at work and so tired. I appreciated how hard he is working. (H's primary LL are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service). This was a very successful conversation. I think he expected me to call him mad and/or complaining which I did not do, and perhaps he would have avoided calling me for days. (Unlike the old me - always before H complained that he was the one who had to apologize after an argument, and I never did - he usually felt wrong). I kept it short, but H kept telling me I had nothing to apologize for; still I know it helped. H then asked a few ?'s about how D is doing and about our finances and I gave him the scoop on D and told him the finances convo needed to be more extensive when we have more time to look at and discuss the details. I will not be calling again until/unless he calls. But I am committed to leaving the "space" between us clean and clear, and continuing to be a person he can speak to, who will take responsibility for my part of our interactions. I believe I accomplished that, and he is left feeling as empowered as possible too. It is unimportant to me whether H can reciprocate doing that himself right now or not - mostly I do not feel that he can do that currently, nor do I expect it. It's just not OK with me to leave "muck" in the space when I can do something about it, so now all is clear.
