It is 5 am and thought you'd all like to know that I had the soundest sleep I've had in a while and woke up (believe it or not) feeling fine but also sorry for H. The wine must have been really good because I have absolutely no headache, and usually I don't drink more than a glass or so with a meal (and then not very often), and this time I did have substantially more than that. It was a Voignier, and the vintner was Honeymoon which set the mood for me I guess. The evening was so lovely, the sunset and then the stars. And the night was hot, really hot, with winds off the desert blowing towards the ocean - it was probably 20 degrees hotter than usual. So I slept with all the screen doors and windows open and now here comes the sunrise with the promise of another day.
I was really hurting last night, but I guess I needed a really good cry. There is no way that this is normal H. I don't know why I continually have to remind myself of this. I do not want to accept this as reality. I know he is working a lot, burying himself in work even. But he is missing life completely right now. When I met my H, he worked a lot too. But he still liked to go hiking, camping, out in the evenings with friends. Now, he can't drag himself to our home because he has a flop house near his shop where he can text message or call his OW and watch TV and sleep and that's all he seems to want. It looks like MLC and depression to me. And I don't know if there is any way to help him. I feel like I've approached him in a lot of ways, but he seems to be tenaciously clinging to this.
It is interesting though, I woke up this morning and realized how great my life is, how much I have to be grateful for, and although I was P.O'd last night at H, this morning I am quite sure that he needs my compassion most. Whether we are having contact or not.
I have not decided what I will do next, other than go to church this morning, and study today. And spend some time outside. I am clear than my focus on H and the R isn't going to move me forward right now. It's not helping, there is just nothing I can do. I even probably need to spend less time on here although I have no plans to cut that off. I just think I need to read books that are not about affairs and marriage right now and let it all go. We'll see what happens, not even sure if I know how to do this. My friends and family consider loyalty one of my stonger attributes. Once I commit, I commit. So I guess this has been layers of the onion, peeling away the vestiges of everything we built together, I have been as loyal to my dream as I have been to our M and H. I liked being a couple. And I liked being coupled with my H. There are very few things in life I valued more. I wish I could tell him, and have him get it. But my H is not here any more.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
and woke up (believe it or not) feeling fine but also sorry for H. The wine must have been really good because I have absolutely no headache, and usually I don't drink more than a glass or so with a meal (and then not very often), and this time I did have substantially more than that. It was a Voignier, and the vintner was Honeymoon 
which set the mood for me I guess. The evening was so lovely, the sunset and then the stars. And the night was hot, really hot, with winds off the desert blowing towards the ocean - it was probably 20 degrees hotter than usual. So I slept with all the screen doors and windows open and now here comes the sunrise with the promise of another day.
although I have no plans to cut that off. I just think I need to read books that are not about affairs and marriage right now and let it all go. We'll see what happens, not even sure if I know how to do this. My friends and family consider loyalty one of my stonger attributes. Once I commit, I commit. So I guess this has been layers of the onion, peeling away the vestiges of everything we built together, I have been as loyal to my dream as I have been to our M and H. I liked being a couple. And I liked being coupled with my H. There are very few things in life I valued more. I wish I could tell him, and have him get it. But my H is not here any more. 
