Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, my friend. I am not sure at this moment that I ever had detachment. I think I am a complete fraud. I wanted H to come home and to love me again, and I think I have been very attached to that outcome. I am a half a bottle of wine later tonight, and the sunset was very beautiful, God's wonderland never lets me down. But truth is, the failure of my marriage is the biggest disappointment of my life and I can hardly bear it. I know I have no control over H's behavior. But I have always kept my promises, and if I mess up, I have tried to learn from my mistakes and I always do my best to keep my word. Yet somehow I was too imperfect for marriage to the one man I wanted to be with. I'm almost 50 years old now, and he's the only one I was willing to give it all for. I know I have had my part in it all here, but I wanted another chance to get it right. I didn't see this coming. I was so blindsided, and I am so sad. I do feel like a victim, I want it to be different, I want my H to keep his promises to me. You are right, I am attached. I wanted a happy ending so much and I can hardly bear the reality of how this looks. If someone could tell me it was going to get better and I would still have my marriage, I could stand it. You see I know how to do "alone" well. Been there, done that. I wanted to do the rest of my life with him. That was my dream, the one thing that mattered to me. And I messed up enough that it's gone this way. I know it was not all me, but it was enough me that this is the outcome.

Guess they were right about the depressant part. I have been sobbing all the way through this post. I keep thinking H is going to show up tonight and make it all OK but it ain't gonna happen.

I am going to go dark. I am no good at this. I've done all I can, it hurts too much, he is not there.