Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Went shopping this morning to buy ingredients for dinner w/ H tonight. Salmon for the grill, fresh blueberries for dessert, etc. Fish is marinating, salad made, patio cleared, beautiful hot day. H just called, "too tired" to come for dinner. Wanted to know if I was "sad". Sad is not the word I would use. I am SOOOOO stupid to set myself up like this. H is not reliable to me. I should know better. Then after my lonngggg pause (I was speechless), H wanted to know if I had a chance to look over the film listings for a film I wanted to go to. I said, "you still want to go to a film?" and he said, "I was just asking if you saw one you wanted to go to". So I said, I have the film listings here, there are a few good ones, but right now I am getting the salmon ready to put on the grill." And he said, "OK, should I call you to talk tomorrow then?" and I said, "honey, if you want to talk why don't you just say what you want to say now?" and he said "I'm tired now" so I said, in a rather unpleasant pissy tone (I was completely exasperated), "OK then you call me when you want to call me, when the time is right for you. Goodbye." and I hung up.

And I am so mad I could scream. He is an inconsiderate self-centered boor, and I am so stupid to care. There are 1000 men out there who would love to eat a fantastic dinner and have some wine on the patio with me tonight. And my H treats me like this. What a jerk. I won't eat the whole salmon, but I may drink the whole bottle of wine by myself. I have no one to tell but all of you. I feel like a complete idiot, I set myself up. What a frickin jerk. Doesn't he still need to eat? Isn't there a bed and a hammock here in our house? Why did he ask about the movie after he bailed on the dinner? Is that guilt, or some kind of booby prize because he "somehow" figured out he'd made a tactical error? Oh, no, I get it, he didn't really want to have dinner in the first place, he only wanted a movie companion, and it's all about him, always. I forgot. Everything is all about him. If I saw him right now I would tell him to go f*** himself. I am so so so mad. Oh God, 5 months of DBing and I don't give a s*** about any of it. Well if his goal was to see the old me, the one who got mad, here she is! And he actually didn't see much of her. Ha ha ha. But there definitely wasn't a pleasant demeaanor. Not my proudest moment in the last 5 months, but right now I truly truly do not care.

Ok, I am going to finish what I have started - a salmon marinated in white wine and basil, with lovely rice, a beautiful salad with on the vine strawberry tomatoes and seedless cucumber. I will drink wine and enjoy the sunset and the ocean breeze on this very hot day. And he can rot in his bed in front of the TV in his little rented room.

I am not sure if I want to do this any more. He has no idea what a jerk he is. Right now, I want to go away, and not see him again unless the H I love and remember comes back. This one is insane and mean and selfish and inconsiderate and rude. And best of all, he's only that way with me. Screw him with a hot poker.

Sorry, y'all. I guess I just can't be nice and calm and understanding any more. Whatever H is afraid of, he is doing a good job in bringing out the worst side of me today. I thought I could do this. But why why why would I put up with that? I am so tired, I deserve better. And if the wine makes me cry, well fine. I'm alone here 'til Monday at least, I can do whatever I want.