Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi lucyhelen, Thanks for writing to me. It is my work right now to find the balance between love and doormat, naieve and smart, setting boundaries instead of creating walls. Thanks for providing your perspective. I sometimes think H is "cake eating" too. But I also sometimes think H is really confused, doesn't want to lose me, but is so addicted to OW that he can't imagine cutting her out. He can not see me straight - not as anything other than business right now. Just like the R between his dad and mom - kind, caring, business R, no intimacy, separate bedrooms, etc. I have compassion for H being in MLC and somehow working through old childhood wounds and fears and needs not being met. I hurt him, and he was damaged by that too, even though I didn't know it, it still happened. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. So finding that balance where I am caring, loving and kind, but also maintaining healthy boundaries for myself and holding a vision of a healthy M which calls me to new heights because I will not settle for less than committed love and partnership.

I suspect that this house thing will come up again. I have decided for now to do nothing, continue to observe, etc. If H brings it up again, I have decided that my answer will be similar to what I have said before: I am not in a rush, that I would like to get another house but it does not have to happen right away or at all, that for me I want to move forward with my goals in a healthy context, if we work together married then in the context of a healthy marriage, knowing that we are building something for our future together. And that he is free to leave too if that's what he wants and I will continue to move forward on my goals and future with a different plan and vision. That I would rather be with him, but I can accept whatever he chooses to do to make himself happy. Something like that.

I have been thinking about the comments from both my D and my birth mother, who both told me that they would probably do the house thing regardless. I think I am an idealist, and they are both more practical than I. They come from a place where more money in the pocket would be better since everything else is not as certain, and money in the pocket is always tempting to me. Yet I feel this is a "scarcity" conversation if you know what I mean. A little more cynical and resigned than the way I choose to live when I am my best self. I do not want to make a decision out of fear or lack. I actually want to make a decision coming from love. And tough love is OK too. Not trying to be difficult, but being committed to a bigger picture where integrity is present in all actions. If I sacrifice my values and use H to increase $$ knowing what was most important to me was love and true partnership instead, then I will feel like I sold myself out if that's all we end up with. Also, it's just too much emotional work for me to be around H and be rejected, critisized or marginalized. So the self-preserving part is this: H either finds his heart again to appreciate who I am and what I offer, and he chooses that - or I stay this nice comfortable manageable space apart until something changes to make it more obvious what we will do next.

Of all the things you wrote, this was the hardest:

Too bad he doesn't notice how much the OW has already done for him. Turned his life upside down, broke up his marriage and destroyed his relationship with his son. Gee, she's great! What else will she do before he wakes up and smells the coffee? Frustrating, isn't it? I know.

I wish you luck! And I wish you peace.

Because I just want to tell him the obvious, and have him get it. How can he not see that already? What a frickin' mess, everybody struggling in their wake. So hard to find peace in that. So hard to trust he will figure it out in any reasonable amount of time since he's missed it so far. That is where trust and patience come in. And the importance for me in not focusing on OW. I have no peace at all when I think about her. So I do my best to fill my life with other things, that give me strength, juice, life! I refuse to let the OW and the A rob me of my life too. It is just a waste of time, bottomless pit of misery and I don't want to go there. I am willing to offer H a hand out of the pit, but he has to take my hand to come out of there, not to pull me in. Otherwise I let go completely. I am hanging in there. Today was a good day.