Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always, Thanks for writing to me. I just had a big cry fest. Hopefully will feel the results of that and feel better soon. H just called me, all happy and funny. Wanted to know if I had any news, guess he hadn't understood that we closed escrow last Friday on D's house and thought it was today. He was in a celebratory mood, all upbeat. He had a big talk with me about our finances, he was really on a roll. Talked to me again about the "hot" real estate market, how that is the only way we will get farther ahead, by buying another house again. I feel like he is just trying to wear me down on this issue. I insisted on selling D's house when the A was revealed, to protect myself financially since we borrowed against our main house (in my name only) to buy it. I wanted to protect this asset, as I can not afford to live here with that debt without H's income, so then I would lose it. Worst part is I KNOW that we will be better off financially if we keep our funds and personal attributes co-mingled and move forward on another house. I have the capital available, he has the skills and ability to fix a fixer up, and our long term goals will be reached much quicker if we are working together with my house $$ and his skills. Up to now, I have been the arranger/planner/shopper, he the repairing, building doing guy and that has worked well. So there he was on the phone, playing up this scenario once again. Third time in a month. And part of me wants to do it too, but I also don't want all our assets tangled up with an OW plan for his future. I am not sure I can trust him as long as he is "with" her. It's an integrity issue, if he lies and cheats, where's the line? So, he was talking about which financial coaches have worked for us best, H seems to be willing to have those conversations with the professionals in this arena (just not MC or life coaching).

I feel that he is testing me, testing my boundaries. I told him last time, that I wanted another house too, but I only wanted to move forward in the context of a committed healthy marriage. I feel like he just wants to wear me down, so that I will say yes, or be able to blame me later if I say no. There is a lot of logic to his desire to do this. Is this a time when I should set my emotions aside (the betrayal, the trust issues, the hurt) and be happy that he wants to have some kind of relationship with me rather than none? And keep nursing it along, whatever IS available? It makes me feel used, like selling myself out for a few $$$. This is not the first time I have been asked in my life to give up what really mattered to me (my integrity, my truth, love, ideals) for money. It has never set right with me before when I have done it. So it doesn't make me want to go forward, feeling that way, and I don't think he can provide the reassurance I need. I just need to feel like I am worth more than a few $$ in order to stay engaged with H in my life. Shooting myself in the foot , I fear. I don't know.

So I had a good cry. It started even before I got off the phone with H. I tried to conceal it, but he could tell anyway. He remained all cheery, wished me a good evening, happy tone. I started crying immediately, no holding back, as soon as he was off.

I want to please him and keep the R going, but I want to please ME a lot more. Problem is I just don't know what's the right thing to do. I am hoping this is the dark before the dawn for me.

One thing I can do (his suggestion actually) is call our former cash-flow coach. He trusts her, and she helped us in the past improve our situation financially and get the emotions out of the way on more than one occasion. Best of all, she has had the personal growth training that H & I trained in, which bases itself in integrity. I will call her tomorrow. Maybe a small miracle will occur, to release the impasse.

I am so glad to see a post from you. Thank you Always. I will especially sort out my goals for the summer. And I will sort out the categories of them, including financial, health, play (vacation) spiritual, physical etc. I am sure that will help. I know at some point this will get better