Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Wise as always, Grasshopper.

I agree that his decisions don't match your morals right now but don't make the mistake of assuming his FUTURE decisions will not.

What I have been struggling with lately is, isn't there something else I can DO to help move this forward? I keep thinking about what DB Coach Chuck said to me last week - we are not "manipulating" but we are certainly doing everything we can to influence a decision that works for us through our own actions and behaviors. And that is perfectly OK. So, I guess I feel stuck right now. The pace feels like a snail's pace, stopped, stuck, maybe even going backwards. Patience and trust in short supply right now. I am not feeling confident that anything I am doing or have done is making a difference. I realize I have no control over my H's choices, only over my own choices and behaviors. I just do not know how long I should reasonably hold the space for an unknown future with him. If he was showing any interest in me or an R with me, it would certainly help. I do not see that. I have always believed in him, but I guess right now I am questioning everything I thought I knew to be true. I read in a few threads on these boards that some people think MLC doesn't really exist - that's it's just an excuse for selfish inconsiderate immature hurtful behavior. That seems so judgemental and angry. But maybe I am a naive and hopeful doormat and my H has no concept of fidelity, commitment, responsibility, unconditional love? I can bust my butt to model it but what if the chasm is too deep and wide and I will pour myself out and never be able to fill the space between where we are now and where I have always believed we could be? Will it still be a worthwhile thing to do? I think so, but God it is so hard. It is such a lonely lonely road.

It has been difficult in particular this week to experience the upset and anger my D is finally expressing too. She feels that H has ruined my life and taken me away from her because I am spending time focused on DBing and our M which takes so much work and effort and she sees me somewhat "gone" also. She sees how hard it is, and it is hard for her to watch. I thought I was doing much better than before (and she says, "you are! but what a waste of energy, how unnecessary all this is!") She is mad at him, she has lost respect for him, is she is tired and dissapointed too, unsure that she could ever feel good about him or trust him again. So that is hard for me to see, the effects on my girls. I wish I could have protected them more, prevented this, or could assure them a "happy ending". The only thing I can see to do right now is to pull back and walk away myself. Yet, I feel like it would take H months to even notice and wonder where I went. Meanwhile, what? I will be having my life, fine. But H has never responded well to absenses, that has always made him more distant. So how will it help him or us? It will only help me, and only short term I think. H does not maintain old friendships that well, although he is always happy when old friends find him. I am supposed to be creating an environment that encourages him to look at me again. What does that look like? I like me (most of the time, when I am not sad and hopeless), but right now, I don't like him either. Maybe it's just because I am sad and feeling hopeless. I want to like him again, but where is he? Where did my loving H go? I wish he could just throw me a bone right now, something to encourage me. Too much to expect I guess. And I don't know if I can keep doing this without any help from him. It seems like he is disdainful that I am making any effort to save our M. Only thing I can see is to back off until I get to a place where it doesn't hurt and I feel better. I am just not at all sure I am reading him right. He's so up and down anyway. And I am still too interested in what he thinks/feels/wants even when I know he's not thinking straight.

I feel like I want to give him an overview of what I think has happened so far (although realistically it wouldn't be all pretty), ways that I have grown and insights that I have had, and the choices we could make so he is aware of the options and consequences and that no movement on his part is a choice with consequences too. But I do not have confidence that he can hear me, or is willing or able to listen. Maybe that would just be more pressure at a time when he can't handle it, so what good will that do? Not sure he would care anyway, but I so much want to articulate what I see happening and I guess I want him to understand he is responsible for the choices being made (including no action), not just blaming me for what shows up later.

So, I am grieving the loss of our M once again. I am wanting at least some acknowledgement from him that he gets what is happening, when it appears there is no collective understanding to be had. We always came to agreement before. Now I feel like he just faked agreement all the way through, built resentment, and now will flee. Oh poop. poop poop.

If there was such a thing as a certain future, one way or the other, I would know what to do now. What are the odds on DBing? Does anyone have any success story threads I could read right now to give me some more hope? I feel like my scenario is the most hopeless type (MLC H who refuses to end the A). Show me some success stories like mine, I say, and a timeline . I can feel depression and sadness taking over again. No energy to work out/exercise, want to eat and sleep and read and stay in bed only. I did get up and go to work. People tell me I look good, but I feel like a shell. No wonder D is upset, she can see that in ways others can't. She knows me.

So my fantasies of what I want to do are: 1) Write H a heartfelt letter letting him know what I think has happened, what I would like to see happen, but also telling him I am willing to let him go completely if that is what he wants. 2) Getting mad in front of him (for the first time in six months) and letting him know I can't accept his insensitive uncommitted behavior towards me anymore and that I can not go on this way 3) Telling him I am leaving, and will communicate with his parents and brother and sister-in-law about why 4) Telling him that I love him deeply and remain committed, but I am backing off until such time as he is committed to working on reconciliation, and then we can explore if it's still possible from my end. Some permutation of 1 & 4 I think about alot. So how will that hurt or help my goals?

Right now, I have the distinct impression that H takes me for granted, resents me and is critical of me, thinks I am emotionally available and open to him whenever he wants. I believe that he fakes kindness and is very generous so he can feel justified in pursuing the A. I feel like he will be able to say I "used him" to work on the house etc. after the R was dead, and that bothers me because that is the scenario he has played out in R's in the past (working hard, unappreciated, no love from the girl in the end). I feel he is killing it off, and will blame me. None of this is pleasant for me, nor healthy for either of us IMHO. He appears extremely extremely addicted to OW. Texting OW in front of family members at Disneyland. Checking his phone for messages every 1/2 hour on moving day and at meals. How do I get from here to a healthy R when I am the only one participating? Is any improvement possible when he is MLC and having an A? I am trying to keep our distance equal, but emotionally I am quite sure that I am overly invested. I am concerned for him. But I have no ability to help the sitch? No that's not right. What can I do to make it better? I feel like I am doing what he is doing to me, in terms of being nice, kind and cordial towards him. But I am not pissy, impatient, unkind, or critical in front of him as he is sometimes towards me. I am not rude. I do not say inappropriate things or laugh inappropriately or embarrass my children (more frequent lately). I can still censor myself. I am only contacting him regarding "business" matters right now which is all he talks about with me. He is non-committal and aloof to anything fun with me, which indicates to me that he was feeling pursued. So I am conscious now about going about planning all fun without him. But I am sad. Dissapointed. Frustrated. Wishing it would be different.

My current plans are to walk on the beach tonight, review my DB goals and assess where I am objectively in terms of the progress over the past 5 months, write new DB action steps and goals, and organize my school work and files.

So, what is the difference beteeen detaching and not caring? I have asked this before. But, it seems like the results I am seeing with others are after the LBS has gotten mad and/or just given up. You know, "Frankly, Scarlett, I just don't give a damn" and then the WAS wakes up and it's too late. I feel like I just want to give up and walk away, but I also feel like I shouldn't, that I will regret it because I will never be able to reconnect again. Well, if GH is right, then I would be able to if H was ever the H again that I could be "in love with". Because I love him, but I sure couldn't be "in love" with him right now. Oh help. Oh poop.