Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, You asked:

I don't remember you're ever previously mentioning that H had a child from a previous marriage. What is their relationship?

H has a S12 who lives in Germany. It is nothing but a sad story right now. We were in the process of immigrating him to come to live with us in the US, when H's A was revealed. H was visiting S12 in Germany and had taken him to a spa for the day to relax together, where he met OW. I joined H in Germany a week after that happened, and without knowing why, it was the worst vacation I have ever had. H was aloof and went back to visit S12 again without me (so he could see OW) even though we had planned to travel together for our vacation. I was left at his folks house, excuses were made why it was better for him to see S12 without me and cancel our vacation this time. He took two other trips in the fall before the A was revealed which were ostensibly to visit S12, but were to visit OW too. In December, his son was coming for Christmas, and S12's mom wanted him to stay with us permanently, which was what we had been hoping for for a long time. The next part is not clear to H (in denial IMHO), but I am pretty sure what happened. H got a phone call from OW while in the car with S12. They were outside S12's home, going there to pick up his suitcase, passport, etc. H sent S12 in, and said he would follow in a few minutes because he wanted to take the call with OW. I believe S12 figured out about OW and was not OK with H's choices. H says S12 "knows nothing about the A with OW" and H says he "doesn't know why" what happened next happened. But H was locked out of their apt. building, they never answered the door again. His ex called several hours later to tell H to have a nice rest of his vacation, that he would not be seeing S12 again. S12 is refusing H's weekly phone calls now (they used to talk every week). H gave up trying for three months, and then on a weekend with me at D's house, tried calling S12 again. H wants S12 to tell him why he is upset with him and why he doesn't want to have contact. However, S12 is still refusing to come to the phone. Last two times H went to Germany he visited OW but did not make any attempt to visit or call S12. Just writing this breaks my heart. He is a wonderful boy, and his mom is verbally abusive and a truly lousy parent. His situation there is bleak. He loves me and I think he could have had a good life with H & me here in the states. Of course, that was before all this upheaval and now our M is tenuous due to the A and MLC behaviors. S12 was self-preserving - I believe he knew before I did. It is my understanding that S12 is now acting out - cutting school, hanging out on street corners. I believe H is in a complete fog, focused only on OW to an extremely obsessive degree. I feel my hands are tied, and told the immigration lawyer to stop all proceedings until our situation is resolved. Meanwhile, I fear H's S12 is lost.

The story is even more painful than this. H has a D10 also who is completely disabled. His ex kicked H out when D10 was a tiny baby and they dissappeared on H. She wanted H to be gone from her life so she could raise the kids on her own, like her mom did. H was distraught over the loss of his family and moved out of the country to live with his brother. 1 1/2 years later, when symptoms of D10's disability surfaced, his ex wanted H to return to provide shared care for the kids. By then he had a new life and business in another country, but struggled about whether he could return to a heartless ex and a loveless M for the sake of the children. After several years, ultimately that did not happen. D10 is institutionalized. His ex had another S (now 6) with a different father, and she has also denied that man access to that child. He tried for custody and failed. H's ex is a bitter unhappy person, and it is being passed down to the detriment of these children. Meanwhile, both of her ex's have failed in their involvement also. It is a horrible mess that I wish I had never witnessed, especially since I am a relative "outsider" with so little ability to impact the sitch. I have tried not to judge, but meanwhile it is the children who are suffering.

I did recently ask H if it would be OK if I write a letter to his S12, since he did not come for Christmas, and because I know he is upset. I might be able to help the bridge a little, as H seems at a complete loss for what to do now. H was really really excited that I offered that. So maybe that is something I can do even with nothing else resolved. Thanks for asking RB. It helps to get it out.