Alot, W and I went to Micheles Chicago seminar this past weekend. There is a thread in newcomers about getting my autographed DB book. She highlighted the communication techniques in her presentation. http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/002714.html
Where are we at Hmmmm! About a year and a half ago the bad stuff started happening. Evident by W's pulling back from the family, going out alone and staying out till the wee hours, hiding cell phone bills, Deleted E-mails to male friends, gifts, etc... I flipped and started the crying, whining, spying routine. Things came to a head last september/october when W brought up her desire to consider separating during a C session.
I had found the DB book the week before this bomb and was about half way through it when the knife went in my heart. Since I had nothing else to go on, I gave myself up to Micheles principles as they seemed to make sense. That night after the bomb I stayed up and wrote W a letter making a number of promises to her. All I asked in return was for some time to work on our R. I turned a number of 180's and they worked like magic. W has certainly decided that I was serious about making things better which has resulted in her decision to do the same.
My big dilemma is how to get W to talk to me more. She has always been very quiet. W has said on several occasions that I speak enough for both of us. When we saw Michele, my W even brought this issue up. You can see the response on my "autograph" Newcomer thread.
I think W does want to move closer sometimes. I also think that she has trouble handling it when she gets it resulting in her pull back. I have only recently identified this dynamic. It happens with me and the kids. Alot of it has to do with the way she was raised as an only child with absent parents. In many ways she was raised by her grandparents.
I am trying to figure out how to help her handle her problem of "too much family" as well as support her in her search for her identity. I admit that I don't know where all this is leading. I do see positive progress for the most part. W even enrolled back in a local junior college for one night a week.
I'm not sure how long identity crisis can take to figure out. I guess it does'nt really matter as I have nothing better to do anyway. At least I have been able to implement some real changes in my attitude that have helped me and our R. I no longer harbor any resentment for what happened and have pretty much given up on the past.
I admit that I am still waiting to hear from W in regards to her previous men friends. I did find enough evidence to suggest at least a an EA. I decided that I will just have to wait for W to bring this subject up. I have already decided to forgive if my suspicion rings true. I accept that there is a possibility that I may never know.
W and I are seeing a C about once a month. As slow as things seem to be moving, once a month is more than enough at this point.
As I said, things are much better. We are spending some time togather without the kids and are certainly having alot more fun. I am grateful for each and every day at this point in my life.
Hope this helps you see where I am at.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 02-21-2001).]
