Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Yesterday I took a day almost entirely for myself. I took my beach walk (finally!) for 2 1/2 hours. It was a real adventure this time, as the tide was coming in and I was determined to get to my destination (which is about 2 miles down the beach, where you can then walk up 1000 steps and return by way of the bluffs above the beach. The waves were really big, and we ended up running between sets of waves and rock hopping. It was a good work out but also a real adventure. We got stranded on the rocks at one point, me up above, but the rocks too slippery for my doggie to make it. He is a rescue/shelter dog and initially was even scared of the sand - two years later he is still a bit scared of the waves. So there I was up above on a rocky ledge, and he couldn't time the wave sets to make his leap to me before the waves would return. The waves were getting bigger and after three attempts, he was backed up against the rocky cliff wall refusing to budge. Ah, but rescued by a walker/wader who magically appeared as the only other person on the beach, and carried doggie up to me However, at the very next set of rock formations, I lost my footing, slid all the way off four feet down and fell in shoes and pants wet up to my knees. I was also carrying beach debris I had found to discard, which included part of a rusty lobster cage. I managed to have this great adventure without any damage to myself or the dog. My mama told me not to run with scissors, but I guess I didn't translate her advice well... I did have that recurring thought that if I don't show up at home, how long will it take for someone to notice that I am missing? I have not adjusted to being "single" yet and honestly am resisting the idea that H doesn't care. I just can't buy into that. Even though H doesn't act like he cares. I think H only cares about H right now, and his helpful activities are mostly to assuage his guilt, so he can feel like a good guy. One thing I know, my daughters both care, so better manage my adventures somewhat safely for their sake (if not for my own)! Which I guess in the long run, I did manage to do.

I had also gone to church earlier in the day. Talk was on grieving and loss and betrayal and dissapointment and all of those tough challenges that come into life, and that it is the MOST important part of the journey because that is what has us grow. I need to revel in and appreciate God's blessing of transformation and change brought about by this "wake-up call" with my M. The messaage was, when everything is going along hunky-dorey, it's nice - but THIS hard stuff is the real juice of life, real growth, real development of character. I am probably not saying it all right, but it brought me to tears once again, with gratitude to be finding myself and finding my center and taking myself to a new level once again. Afterwards, I had lunch in a little cafe that I like, and lingered over the Sunday paper.

I had to contact H because there is a plumbing problem in our house (where the renter's live) and he had indicated he was coming over to the house today to work in the office so I wanted him to take a look at it and let me know if he could fix it easily or if I should call a plumber. I decided to text him instead of call, as I didn't really want to talk to him yesterday unless he was more "available", and he is pretty busy with work right now, so with me taking a relaxing day for myself, it seemed best to put the ball in his court. No response, incommunicado, and he didn't show up at the house while I was out or later in the evening either. I think things may be coming to a head. So weird how he was so affectionate and connected to me at D's graduation, and then how strong the back lash is, it feels like the biggest pulling away yet. But maybe not - maybe it's the same-old same-old, and I am just perceiving it differently because I was thinking we had gotten closer and were making substantial progress. I know you have all experienced this. But it never ceases to amaze me.

One more thing that has happened that might push things further (even though H suggested this). H suggested that we transform his office into a temporary room for D while she is here. He said he's not here much, and the set up n the office wasn't working for him anyway. It has been an ignored room since January when he moved. So D and I have rearranged. We dismantled the huge and crappy desk he was using (which we will sell at a garage sale this month) and set up the computer and FAX/printer so he could continue to use it, on a folding table. We rearranged the room and it is much more functional now, we can put a bed in there for D for now as well, and I hung a few pictures, so it looks a lot nicer too. But this involved sorting and organizing H's remaining stuff, and also some of the pictures while not new, are of "us" or all of us. We made a real effort to make the room nice for him to work in, so as not to make it seem that I was "pushing him out". But it does feel like a bare shell of my H is left in our home - that is all. Literally one truck load, and there would be no trace of him other than the photos and memories I have. And I was afraid, moving stuff around, that he would not like it, feel angry, and just pull it all out and leave - like a last straw. Product of the feeling that I can't win with him right now, and nothing I do will be right in his eyes. I suppose one thing that might save me is that D did it with me, and he is totally supportive of everything she does right now, which is weird too (you have to watch it to see how odd the dynamics are right now). It's almost like D is the young, sweet and skinny "me" (the good one in his eyes) and I am the old, mean, big "me" (the bad one he wants to get rid of). Made more peculiar that D and I test the same on personality indicators, etc., so although we are very different in many ways, we are very much the same in how we fundamentally operate. And H did not like D when we first married, he had a few clashes with her and a few judgements, and resonated with my "foster" D more easily. Now that has totally reversed - "foster" D is not speaking to him, and he is judging me and loving D. This is not the healthy family I am committed to.

One of H's things that is still here, is a box of memories from his first marriage, including the announcement that his first wife made when she was pregnant for the first time, and his son's baby booties. I am a little dejected about H today. My father was a WAS, more than once. The first time he had a child that he did not see for 20 years. The second time, married to my mom he walked away after 37 years of marriage to be with a 39 year old woman. I honestly don't get it. It's not the kind of life I would ever want. I am trying to understand my H and how he thinks. But I don't see any satisfaction for him if he continues to walk away. The one thing I do know, is that both my dad and my H did not express themselves directly, about their wants and needs. So they are the nice guys on the surface, the ones everyone enjoys being around, and then the resentment builds up which the partner in particular is unaware of, and they plan their escape. The only thing I can see to do, is to be so kind loving and nice that he feels safe and doesn't need to run. And even then, he still might. Besides, even though I am nice and kind and loving, I am pretty darned direct and straight forward in my expression too. I consider that an aspect of being loving. This was something he loved about me when we met and fell in love - he knew where I was coming from, no games. He had found women in his past to play a lot of games. I believe his OW is going to give him a run for him money too. Maybe he just has to learn that lesson one more time, just like I have to learn this walk-away syndrome and learn to accept it without judgement I don't know how to do that. Honestly, it just feels wrong. It doesn't fit my values. I can accept that he is hurting, and have compassion. But I don't think I will ever be able to accept the behavior of a secret affair or a walk-away choice as OK, even if I can understand how it happens.

I had plans last night to study and work in the office today, but I just can't do that all day. No way. It is just too beautiful outside. So, I will make a new plan. Maybe work in the office later tonight. But today, I play... D is back from some adventures, so I have a potential playmate for the day also. Should be fun! I hope everyone has a great holiday, and loving memories of loved ones on this day of rememberance.