Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I spent half the day yesterday moving D's furniture to a storage unit w/ H and D. H is getting weirder and D is noticing and disturbed by it. I think I have gotten used to the fact that he is messed up right now, but D hasn't seen him up until now except under the best circumstances (like her graduation). H is reacting "innappropriately" to certain things. The three of us were listening to a radio show on NPR about regrettable relationships while in his truck, and when one woman talked about being on a trip with her boyfriend, and found out later that all of the journaling he was doing on the trip was about an affair he was having with someone else - H just burst with laughter. D gave me a look. It seems H's censors are missing. There are even concerns on both D's and my part that H was being innappropriately cozy with D. Along with mean comments to me, he was overly affectionate (even physically) towards her. When D & I both commented on the "skinny one" and "big one" references he made to D & me, he tried to self-correct and apologize. I am not taking any of it personally (I am actually pretty slender right now anyway - same weight as when we married) but it is not particularly good to be around H right now. He was very helpful with all the moving, and I thanked him and appreciated him for that, and there were some good moments and even good humor in all of it. But, it feels like there is something terribly wrong with how his brain is working and he might even know it too, but just can't correct it. He seems about 12 years old.

And then there were lies. I am quite sure he tells lies every day now. In one instance yesterday, he lied to someone else (we were asked to volounteer for an upcoming event) and he told the person he would be out of the country in Germany that week. When the volonteer coordinator called me later and told me that, I called H and asked him if that was true, and he said no he lied to get the person off the phone. Then he said he had someone on the other line and had to get off the phone with me - would call me back to discuss it later. No surprise, he never did. D thinks he's lying to me, not the volonteer coordinator, and that he is going to Germany that week. Doesn't matter either way. That particular week is his B-day week. Yesterday, I had asked him if he wanted me to make plans for the celebration of his b-day or not (I usually make a pretty big deal of celebrations but didn't want to ignore his or expect to plan anything). However, H was non-committal. I said very sweetly, "Either way is OK, but does that mean no?" but he wouldn't commit to that either. OK, I guess vagueness is better than a lie. I have no way of knowing which are the lies and which are the true tales anyway, so it does not matter whether what he says is definitive or vague. H is lying enough of the time that there is no point in expecting him to tell the truth, other than the memory I have of the man I married. I hope he comes back to earth some day. The man I married valued honesty and integrity.

Did I ever tell y'all that when I decided to get married, I made a list of 112 criteria of qualities I was looking for in a partner? H met all of my criteria - it was one of our favorite stories to tell. Integrity amd honesty were the top 2 on the list for me. So obviously the universe is testing me in many ways right now. I notice over and over that this is the hardest thing for me to accept about H and about our R right now.

Why in the world would I want him to come back home in this state? Sometimes I think my commitment to him would look more like caretaking right now, and that would not be healthy for me or him. He does not seem whole. Like a car running without all the cylinders. If this was H forever in the future I could never be with him again. But I truly don't believe that, and I do believe in him. Hopefully he will find himself, and not too much more damage will occur. D is expressing that she is not sure if she can ever see him the same way again. It is definitely affecting her, currently she thinks marriage is too hard, and thinks it is too bad it seems necessary or better to have an H rather than just have children as a single person. She really enjoyed her childhood, and saw me as doing a great job as a single mom. So I have not been the best role model in terms of relationships, since this is my first real marriage. I know this is just her dissapointment talking. She used to say that my wedding day was the happiest day of her life. So, I think she needs a break from the ucky part. I will make a real effort to have her see a bit less of it. In addition, last night, I suggested to her that perhaps this year she would like to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas holidays, and see what that was like since both of the D's have really solid R's right now of several years duration with their boyfriends. She loved that idea, as her boyfriend has been wanting her to go with him at the holidays for several years. She worried about me being alone, and I said no worries I will be fine - we need to try something different this year - maybe I will volonteer at a soup kitchen or something I would really love like that, and she got it. So unless something dramatic happens between now and then we will shake up the family patterns and see what can emerge of good and health and positivity from the wreakage of the old R.

Meanwhile, I am going to go to church this morning, order some new books to inspire me, and make sure to walk on the beach today (I have misssed my regular walking for 4 days with all this moving).