Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well H is back to being very aloof, and what I would describe as covertly pissed off. It is possible that he is just really tired from a long work week, and I will do my best at DBing and being cheery, frinedly and providing some humor and laughter. But the coolness is quite chilling after the warmth of last weekend. He is sleeping on the edge of the bed, etc.

The conversation in the car ride down may have been a trigger or have deepened that state though. He brought up again wanting to buy another house, now that the sale of D's house will be completed on Friday. He see this as a way to improve our financial situation, which it is. But the conversation came up because D is moving in with me temporarily for a month and he discussed taking down his office to make a room for her. I told him D's stay was temporary and that I did not want him to be "squeezed out" of his space in our home. He said it was a practical solution, he wasn't there much anyway, and it wasn't really the optimal set-up as it is now. Then he told me that his roomate is moving back into the condo (where he is renting a room) with his girlfriend too. Up until now he has had the place to himself which he has liked. They are partiers and he has mostly avoided them when they were there. So both of them moving back in (instead of staying mostly at the GF's house) doesn't seem too appealing. So he brought up this fixer he had found near where we live. He got this smile I have seen before when he brought it up. I call it his "bad little boy" smile, because when I see it, it is always related to doing something "wrong" in his mind which he wants to do anyway. He gets it sometimes when talking about OW. He has that smile every time he talks about masturbation. So you get the idea, it's a sign I can read as something's up for him. I asked him if he was telling me that he wanted to buy a second house so he could live in it? He said that's the only way he could see to get ahead (with that smile again). FYI, the reason we sold D's house was to return the $$ we borrowed against our family home (which is mine if he leaves) and in order to buy another house we'd have to do that again. Selling D's house had been primarily my decision once we separated and I found out about the A - I felt the stress on our marriage and the financial risks and H's instability in terms of relating to me made that the best solution (especially with D's school ending) - pare down and take a breath and regroup. So, when he brought this new house up, I told him what I had told him a few weeks ago - that I wanted to buy another house too, but that I wanted to do so in the context of a committed marriage. He said, well if you're going to pressure me, I can just leave and go out on my own. And I said, "I'm sorry if you are feeling pressured. I want you to take all the space and time you need. I am not in any rush to do anything. I remain committed to our marriage. And, I am fighting for our marriage. I am committed to a whole and healthy marriage. That is the stand I am taking." He looked at me with a long silent pause when I said that. I also reminded him that I had discussed the possibility of going to a coach together with him so that we could resolve some of these concerns with good communication, and he declined - told me to go ahead with a coach without him which I will now do. He said if I intrigue him with how it is going he might consider going later. I also told him that there continued to be issues of integrity and honesty in our marriage and that if he was talking more openly with me about his "secret life" that it might help us. I probably should not have used that term. He said, I don't think of it as a "secret life" a little defensively, but then he said, "you told me you didn't want to hear about it and that's why I have not been sharing with you." A little bit of an edge in his tone. So I clarified and said, "I didn't mean that, if that's what you heard. I am interested in your life, and I have always been interested in what matters to you, and I still am. I am not necessarily interested in the details about others, but I am interested in what concerns you."

The conversation had a long pause after that, so finally I asked him about his day etc. and he told me some animated stories about his work day with laughter etc. At dinner, he did bring up OW's kids (which he has wanted to talk to me about before) and also concerns about his son in Germany, and how these kids are disrespectful and out of control. I am educated related to these issues so I talked with him a lot about acting out kids showcasing the real stink in a family when others won't. Hopefully the convo about that helped - he seemed interested.

I did have a coaching call with Chuck yesterday, and will write up the notes from that when I get home. But based on the progress we had been making with physical closeness, the recomendations had been "don't change much". My 180's are to be around doing the opposite of what fear would tell me to do. I do not know if that means we should buy a second house instead of protecting the assets and waiting, but I don't think so because I am not really "afraid" I just don't want the worries and pressures without the commitment. Chuck also recommended that I throw in a few more "no's" since I am generally pretty agreeable to everything H wants to do right now. This would be a pretty big "no" however! Although it does not have to be a forever "no". I think Chuck was refering to invitations. This is a pretty big invitation. I think I'd rather he asked me to the movies.

Your thoughts on all this would be most welcome. I will be cheery and hang out with D alot, if H makes this a "long" 2 days with him .