Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[RBinBR]

PL, nice to see that you got a little dose of temptation. There's no question in my mind that this guy was hitting on you. It does help to see what our S's are exposed to, doesn't it? (You may remember my being tempted about a month ago.)

It's his document, his computer. I can justify that I found it accidentally, that we never had secrets before, and that he has promised to be honest with me so my initial accidental discovery was justified. But is it right now that I know it is there to act like I don't? So what is there to do to resolve this? ... Ignore it and never look at it again?

I think that ignoring it is the best answer. I also don't understand why it's so important to you that he not use his computer in the house to email the OW, as opposed to his doing it elsewhere. Really, as long as he isn't doing it in front of you, what's the difference?

I wish my H would come clean with me about OW, the A, everything. Normally, to have that happen in my life, I would need to make sure that I was behaving the way I want others to behave. "Be the change you want to see in the world" as Ghandi said. However, it seems in DR we are told not to say all sorts of things. I am used to being very straight and direct and honest. I usually don't leave much to wonder or worry about, I am usually pretty much an open book.

I doubt that you are completely an open book. Would you tell a friend that the weight she has put on really makes her look fat? If you went on a job interview, would you comment on how messy the interviewer's desk was?

The problem is really that you are used to being an open book with your H, and you really can't be anymore.

I think it's simply about putting your best foot forward. If you were on a first date with someone, would you immediately start telling him about your personality flaws or medical history? No, you would want to go out on a second date and you would gradually reveal more of yourself as the level of intimacy increased. That's the same situation you're in now, in a way. You are not in a commited relationship with your H, and there are things that it is not helpful to reveal until you are.

I recall making some harsh and negative comments about Dr. Laura's inappropriate stance on issues that I care about, and dismissed the book without ever looking at it again until last night. It pains me deeply to write this. I was so unkind to my H, in his attempt to communicate with me in a playful way, that he had needs. I was not listening to him, and I am really sad about that. FYI - the book has chapters in it about how important respect is to an H, and the importance of a comfortable home, feeling like the W builds up the H's self esteem, etc. I honestly don't care at all right now about Dr. Laura's political correctness. My H was trying to communicate with me, to let me know what he needed, and I missed it and dismissed it. I have cried twice about this now. I am looking forward to the opportunity to offer my H a heartfelt apology for being so insensitive.

As you know, just because somebody is wrong about one thing, doesn't mean that they are wrong about everything. I used to occasionally listen to Dr. Laura's radio show, and though I was annoyed by the rudeness with which she sometimes treated her callers, I always thought the advice she gave was pretty good.

I think you should be very careful in your apology to your H. It's easy for an apology to come off as pursuing ("I'm sorry, please take me back"). Don't do it unless you can do it with a smile, or at least without sounding upset. You want to project that the new you can learn from past mistakes and use them to grow in confidence and strength.

Good luck with Chuck this afternoon and please let us know what insights you gain.