Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I had an interesting day yesterday. I am enrolled in an academic program which periodically involves face-to-face work with other students, including a lot of personal stories and which creates a lot of intimacy due to the sharing. We also have social events as part of the program, and last night included a trip out to dinner and live music, drinks etc. A fellow in my class spent a lot of time at the dinner with me, and is very attractive and successful, funny and smart, etc. He is also married, and as it turns out, having some difficulties with a lack of sexual interest from his W. He also knows the sitch I am in. Don't worry y'all, I took the high road here. Told him about the Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs and suggested that he deserved a life and marriage that was full and alive rather than living in resignation (which is where he seems to be) - hoped he would read the books and share them with his W. If he had intended to purse infidelity with me, I suppose I was a wet blanket refering him back to his M. But the interesting part for me was that I got how easy it would be to have an A. I kind of "forgot" the scene was out there. An A would have been very easy to do and for the first time in my life I understood the temptation and the "who would know, who would care, I have needs" kind of thinking. It also gave me some compassion for my H. I believe he was vulnerable for a number of reasons, and I once again am clear that I forgive him for his choice even though it has been so painful to me. It is a lot of work to be faithful and committed, and I can see now so clearly how our society and environment doesn't make it any easier. This doesn't excuse it, but I understand in a new way now. Even more so, I understand how an EA can happen even if you don't pursue a PA. I had fantasies, and my ego was well massaged last night. So, I spent very little time talking to this fellow today in our classes, and didn't seek him out to say good bye. There can be dangers out there after all.

The other thing that happened is that my H told me he was going to come over while I was out last night. He had my suitcase and offered to drop it here, and also wanted to "work a little in the office". I called him back to discuss our final trip down to D's house and when we would leave, so I could make hotel arrangements etc. However, with fear in my belly, I also took a risk with H. I told him that when he had moved out in January, I had asked him to remove all things from our home and to cease all activities in our home that were connected to the OW and/or the A. I told him that I felt awkward bringing this up, but when he said he was coming over to "work in the office" that it often felt to me like he was coming over to use the office space to pursue activities or communications related to the A from our home. He said, "I remember when you asked me to do that, and I removed everything then. I am not communicating with OW from the house, not on the phone or on the computer." You may recall from earlier posts that I discovered a document on H's computer which has messages from OW in it, and new messages have periodically been added to that document as recently as this month. It felt like maybe H pulled a "Clinton" - he is not communicating with her directly, just recording her on his computer, making CD's for her, etc. so he thinks that doesn't count? He was so cheery and sweet after he told me NOTHING was here, like he was so happy to be able to give me the answer I wanted. He sounded so sincere. I felt so sad about that. However, a friend said to me on the phone last night that this is why MY integrity is so important. This is a problem because I snooped at one time, and now I know that document is there. Now that I know it is there, I have periodically checked to see if it has been updated. I have not told H that I found that doc, and he probably wouldn't like it. It's his document, his computer. I can justify that I found it accidentally, that we never had secrets before, and that he has promised to be honest with me so my initial accidental discovery was justified. But is it right now that I know it is there to act like I don't? So what is there to do to resolve this? Apologize but let him know that I found the document? Ignore it and never look at it again? Delete it and see if he notices? (I won't do that). Wait until someday when he brings it up along with everything else that still remains to be talked about?

I wish my H would come clean with me about OW, the A, everything. Normally, to have that happen in my life, I would need to make sure that I was behaving the way I want others to behave. "Be the change you want to see in the world" as Ghandi said. However, it seems in DR we are told not to say all sorts of things. I am used to being very straight and direct and honest. I usually don't leave much to wonder or worry about, I am usually pretty much an open book. This mysterious, not telling everything way of being is rather complicated and unnatural to me. And seems so counter-intuitive. I don't understand - when is the appropriate time to just talk straight with him again and be myself?

Last bit: another lightbulb went on last night. Sad but important. I found a book that H gave me on Valentine's Day 2004. It was Dr. Laura's book on "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". At the time the book came out, Dr. Laura was very controversial as she had made some strong anti-gay comments as well as anti-feminist comments, and had alienated a huge portion of our community including me even though I had never read her or listened to her. I am a political progressive (you know, the educated liberal stereotype) and anyway, when H gave me the book, I recall making some harsh and negative comments about Dr. Laura's inappropriate stance on issues that I care about, and dismissed the book without ever looking at it again until last night. It pains me deeply to write this. I was so unkind to my H, in his attempt to communicate with me in a playful way, that he had needs. I was not listening to him, and I am really sad about that. FYI - the book has chapters in it about how important respect is to an H, and the importance of a comfortable home, feeling like the W builds up the H's self esteem, etc. I honestly don't care at all right now about Dr. Laura's political correctness. My H was trying to communicate with me, to let me know what he needed, and I missed it and dismissed it. I have cried twice about this now. I am looking forward to the opportunity to offer my H a heartfelt apology for being so insensitive. I am deeply sad for how long it has taken me to have such a small revelation. I wonder how much more there are about my behaviors that will be so painful to see? I wish more than anything that I could start all over with H. I know I could do much much better. I just want a chance. I pray it is not too late for us.

Tomorrow I leave to go to D's house with H, two nights again in a hotel together. He chose and extra night with me (one more than was really needed) and I will choose to see that as a positive. I am hopeful he will continue his warm and affectionate demeanor, but will go in with no expectations. Tomorrow before I go, I will also have a phone consult with DB coach Chuck. I will let you all know how that goes.

I have not been receiving much feedback lately. Perhaps my posts are too long? Or maybe something big needs to be said but no one wants to tell me? Am I missing something? I do miss hearing from you all.