Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB and all,

RB, Thanks for checking in on me with your usual great support. I have made an appointment with DB coach Chuck for Wednesday afternoon this week, and will take Wednesday morning to prepare so I can get full value. I will ask Chuck about having an R talk with H (yes, it surely feels like a LONG time without one word about the OW or A or our M although I think his behavior is still speaking a fair amount). I will also inquire about some 180's as I am having trouble figuring out what I might do there. I will make a list of other things too, and what has happened in the past month. I will make sure to post what I learn from Chuck for everyone's benefit.

Update on the past few days: I stayed in a hotel with H for 3 nights. D's graduation festivities and all the friends and relatives seemed to bring H closer to me. We had a great time together. We cuddled in bed every night through much of the night, and there were many times when he cuddled, held or initiated hugging me. There were some truly precious moments for the two of us alone. In particular, on D's graduation day, we had a long pause together, I was looking out of the hotel window, when H came over and hugged and held me and looked out the window with me for a very long time. It was a quiet time, and very powerful. I can not remember the last time H lingered with me and held me like that. He said a few very loving things, and he looked at me very lovingly more than once, instead of just staring out the window. This pause for our connection meant a lot to me. He also told me that I have done a very good job of including him and making him part of the family. (H is actually the "newest addition" to the clan). I told him that he was important to us; and also very important to me. Earlier, while laying on the bed, I got a little teary reminiscing about D when she was little, and he came over and laid on the bed with me and listened and caressed my bare leg while I shared.

On this trip, he allowed me to give him a full body massage twice which is more open to touching than he has been since the A was revealed. He kissed me a few times, and touched my skin. But I am clear he is maintaining a 100% non-sexual stance with me which is frankly a barrier I would like to break down anytime now. I think he may be "trying" though, but he is just scared to death. Alternatively, he is perhaps still feeling too guilty, or perhaps is still too caught up with OW. No way to know right now. I invited him to take a shower with me after our long day at Disneyland, and although he did not join me, he arrived naked as I was getting out. First time I have seen him frontally naked in a long long while. He has been dressing with his back to me until this weekend, so he is definitely being more open. I am trying not to push or pursue while still being affectionate and inviting. I did kiss him on two different evenings while we were in bed, and he immediately moved me to hold me, hugging me and placing my head on his shoulder while he spoke to me instead of allowing the kissing to continue. Trying to manage me at a safe distance and making sure things don't progress is how I understand that. But still cuddling. I do not know how this works, but I have heard it is common to be continually stand-offish if there is an OW. So if those of you who have insights into this have thoughts to share, I am most open. I can tell you all that a "problem" in our M was that H did not think I initiated ML often enough. I was looking for him to initiate much more too, as that is what I prefer. I have never said no (really!), but it was his impression that I was not interested often, and it was my impression that he wasn't. We were both stressing and working too much too and struggled with creating opportunities for privacy which didn't help our energy levels or interest either. It got to the point we only ML when we travelled and were staying in a hotel. Part of the reason I like the hoteling of late. But the sitch is different now, and perhaps it is still way too early to be thinking about sex (but I do think about it alot now - and those thoughts keep me awake sometimes ) I'm not sure how the OW plays in, and it seems like H is kind of a reversal of "the man likes to pursue" thing so I don't begin to know how to behave around this issue. Except that letting it atrophy forever won't work for me. I do remember that in the beginning of our R, H used to initiate often. At some point, he indicated that I had hurt him or made him insecure by something I said, and even though I apologized saying I had not intended what he thought, and reassured him many times, he said that was why the sex slowed down.

Regarding how I was over this past weekend - I noticed that I had little moments of suspicion about H's behaviors. I had thoughts like, "Is he text messaging OW right in front of me while I'm on the carousel at Disneyland?" (It turned out no, he was fiddling with my camara so he could get a photo of us). I wanted to check his phone log again a few different times (didn't). H got upset and aloof for about 2 hours at D's graduation party - I spent some thought trying to second guess what had happened (was it the people, did someone say something to him? had the OW called? was it something I had said/done?) It turned out there were some technical problems with the house which was going to require MORE work on H's part and he did not want to tell me at the party as this has been the MOST frustrating experience imaginable. I do not like the fact that I still spend some time (not as much as it might appear from my posts - but some) trying to second guess H and thinking or focusing on H's thoughts instead of busying myself with my own thoughts about life. I certainly have enough going on in my life that I do not need to waste my time on worry or suspicious thoughts about H when I have no information to base them on. Of course, I would prefer to have straight information always including now. Other than the occasional distractions related to suspicion, however, I have been positive, cheery, upbeat, playful, compassionate, emotionally available and related. Mostly just myself at my best. Looking good feeling good, most of the time.

I left D's house early this morning, but D's house saga continues, and we had a plumbing break a few hours after I left, flooded the whole house from every water source at once (toilet, shower, washer - happy graduation to adult life D!) and we were told by the plumber we need a new main line. Are YOU KIDDING? What kind of luck is this when escrow closes on that house in 5 days and it would have been covered for them under homeowners warranty? The party's what did it too - just plain overload. H is still down there dealing with the city and those repairs and trying to get them to sign off, and now this too. He sounded extremely dejected on the phone today - so sad to see after such a happy weekend for us. Good God, my H has been a saint making all these repairs on that house for at least 15 whole days in the last month. I honestly don't know what I could possibly do to appreciate him enough for solving all this. I worry sometimes that the pressure of this house alone would be enough to make him run away. Why would he want to buy another house with me as he says? Must be the MLC wanting to bury the depression in workaholism, or plain glutton for this particular kind of fixer-upper punishment. I on the other hand, know why I want a 100% marriage before we go deeper into business ventures. My priorities are keeping me up at night . Although I suspect his are too, they are just not as fun...

H said he would call me tonight after he gets home. We shall see, somehow I think he might not as he sounded so down. We are due to go back to D's house one last time this week, to close out the house and move all our stuff and her. After that, H & I have no more official plans to do anything together. However, this weekend H mentioned which hotel he wanted to stay in when we go down for his citizenship oath ceremony (and the hotel he mentioned was one we stayed at together when life was very good between us .) So if that was H making a plan when he brought that up (which he rarely does as I am the big planner) that seemed like a good sign. Maybe that will be my 180 - make no plans and see if he initiates some. This seems tricky since H regularly thrives on reassurance and appreciation, and that has worked pretty well up until now and is coming quite naturally to me now. So as usual I dunno what to do about these 180's and what they should look like.

Thoughts on any of this are always welcome.