I think I've been busted! My C said the same thing. She also said that often times couples in this situation will essentially reverse roles, however in our case, I have just become less outwardly-expressive and more introverted. H claims to be more open with me now, but I just don't see it. He has never once approached me to talk about OR, or his A or anything about his feelings. If he sees me looking upset he will ask 'what's wrong' and expect me to let it out. Yeah, as KentS would say-that's his way of reaching out to me....he says he doesn't want to remind me of it because he knows it makes me sad. I told him that sometimes just (for example) looking out the window makes me remember...brushing my teeth...picking up the newspapers in the living room-stupid insiginificant things make me remember. Not as much anymore, but my point was that his broaching the subject will not make me sad. It would be nice to be able to be let in on his hurt and help him through it. I know he hurts, he asked for my help through this but has not told me how.
He can't seem to let me in yet and help him deal with is hurt/guilt/shame, so I have stopped laying all of mine on him, and yes, I admit it...I'm stuffing it.
I have begun to deal with it slowly and mostly on my own-and here. And in my defense, what if all my 'talking' in the past, and assuming he would be there for me and let me just 'bitch' knowing he could not fix things-and not even wanting him to, partly led him to do what he did...i.e., he couldn't handle it. I overwhelmed him. He was helpless to do anything being overseas, even tho I told him (over and over) all I wanted him to do was listen. I dumped on him too much and he felt guilty.
So, in my own way, I guess I'm trying to help him. By not 'dumping' on him. Isn't that one of the DB principles?! NO OR talks. At least none I initiate. It's not that I am disregarding my feelings, just putting them on hold for a while and keeping more things, about how I feel, to myself and trying to learn to deal with them on my own.
As far as the book "After the Affair" goes, I picked it up at the bookstore...held it for a long time, opened the cover and flipped a few pages...then realized I was getting angry. I put it back. I don't think I'm ready-I am re-reading DB again (but it's going slow as I have a final exam this week-and other stuff...).
I will get to it. I know it will help me, it has been recommended to me by a few people, our C included.
