I just re-read CB's post (again-how many times now!) and I agree that he is talking about his wife and how he chooses to be there with her. I misunderstood initially.
I too get very confused about the whole 'why me' thing-if he found someone else he would rather have been with than his wife, and his marriage/I was not important enough to remain faithful to, then why 'compromise' and come home? I was cleaning the computer desk out at home this weekend and came across an old calendar from that year H was overseas...I looked at the dates (yes, I was obsessing) and I realized that he met and carried on with OW before his very first trip back "home". He had only been gone 60 days.
Why does this bother me so? Like I told him-I didn't think we were all that 'broken'. I agree with Alex in that I still have things to learn about myself. I do not trust initially...I am open and friendly at first appearances-but hard to get to know because of my inherent mistrust. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would probably never fall in love again nor get married (men were only good for one thing-LOL-sorry)...then I met H. Everything changed when I let him in.
Then this. Am I more angry with him or me?
H was acting like a 'butt' (his words) on Sunday-the first day we were all home and he didn't have to work-in months. He was quiet and distant and moody-yelled at the boys...he was gonna take them to the store with him so I could study (final on Wed) well, I told him to just go-he was in a fould mood and I didn't want the boys subjected to that. THEN youngest son let the dog out-he's the kind of dog that doesn't stay right there-he runs...just more stress.
H appologiged when he got home and held me as I cried. I was not accusatory and did not intend to make him feel guilty-and told him-I had more questions that I was not entirely prepared to ask. His answer was that he still didn't 'know what to say to me that he had not already said'. So I asked him to say it all again. The rest of the day was great.
I have been reading to try and help me figure things out but our situation, and what I know of his A, does not really fit-not that I expected it to-but I did expect more similarities than I have found. I believe this is because I still know so little-it is like he is controlling this information-and as such-controlling me. I truely believe that when I have no more questions about what happened and why, I will be 'recovered'. I know that it will never go away and I will never forget, but it will not feel like it still does now.
I could tell he was getting annoyed when I said I felt he still was not opening up to me and talking to me...about his A and how he felt and what led him to it. And he is not. I am not pushing-or pulling, like Kent said, and when I noticed his mood on Sunday I told him to just go-I wasn't mean or angry, I told him I felt he needed some time away. I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to talk-he said 'nothing' and 'no', so I let it go but told him I was here if he wanted to talk.
Gonna make another C appt this week or next-AND H and I have a dinner on Fri night for his work-my mom's watching the kids so we get a night away too. Much needed I think.
Busy week-Final on Wed (biochem-yikes-fingers crossed!)
thanks you guys....headed over to the MLC forum to surf around...maybe ask a question or two-
