I cut and pasted this for you. I hope that you will find some solace in it. It helped me very much.
The marriage you had is history. It is in your memory but the affair and your husband;s behavior have changed your marriage. It probably will never be what it was before. Your marriage will be what you make it, starting today. Your husband will emerge. His condition is not permanent. He may take two months, he may take two years. He is sick at heart and confused in the head. As I remeber it, I had the sensation of just wakin up one day and not feeling bad. All of a sudden I could think again. All of a sudden the world made sense once more. Your future will be shaped by how you treat him now.
Here's what I would have wanted. An unconditional friend who loved and accepted me the way I was right now. A friend who witheheld judgement and was not critical of my confusion and weakness. A friend who could hold me close and let me work thru my thoughts without demanding to know what was on my mind. A friend who could either cuddle me or let me set alone and not point out the difference. A friend who accepted my choice (to be with her) w/o over analyzing or demanding that I repeatedly explain my choice or relive my decision process. A friend who was concerned with how I felt and what I wanted but never asked any questions. After all the years of disapproval, the most wounding actions to me are questions with thinly disguised motivation.
Sometimes, I think there could be nothing more frightening than a determined wife "working" on her marriage. If your H is anything like me, he is emotionally wounded. After wars, they had some returning soldiers who were shell-shocked. That would have described me. I would have hidden from anyone who pushed me for progress or answers. I had no answers while I was depressed. I would tell you anything you wanted to get you off my back.
