I love the fact that H called me up the other day and asked me to play hookey with him. We had a great time together. I am beginning to recognize his reaching for me in all sorts of ways I had been too upset to notice over the past few months. This I am celebrating-it's like a bright warm light in a whole lot of darkness.
I am still very needy. Always have been and probably always will be. I usually come across as very 'in control' and 'confident' and have been described as a 'strong woman' a number of times, however, I need very much from him. I entrusted my love and fidelity to him...Compassion, empathy, feeling, touch, intamacy, trust, confidence to name a few...these are things that I equate with love. Maybe that's the estrogen in me, I dunno.
Kent-you mention that I want to see him suffer. Absolutely...or at least that's how I felt after the bomb and even threatened to have an A just so he would know how it felt.
Since I have been DB'ing (to the best of my ability-and I don't think I'm all that good at it....too transparent!!), and recovering, I do not feel that way anymore. I know he will suffer in his own private hell every day for the rest of his life. He internalizes his guilt and ends up beating himself up over it- sometimes even physically-he was/is a good runner-had back surgery in 97 and some problems since then-well, after A started he started running every day-it was like self-mutilation. I asked him about it (as he was having more pain and tests/MRI's etc) and said maybe he should lay off the running...asked if he was hurting himself on purpose-he of course said "no". At any rate-he ended up re-injuring his back...he has since admitted in C that this was a release for him, a way to 'punish' himself....because he felt so crappy about what he was doing-he needed a release.
What I'm getting at by desiring more empathy, more feeling from him, is that I desperately want to be the one he turns to, his release-we used to talk like that and we were there for each other-even shared a private joke about "stress relief"...I want to BE there for him, if only he'd let me be (again). I feel that is my purpose and (one) role as his wife. I may not be able to fix anything, but I'd like to know when he feels crappy-about WHATEVER-and just tell him that it's OK, I love him and I am here for him.
I also want the same from him...I assumed I had it-but the way it made him feel may be partly responsible for his decision to have A. In that; I dumped too much on him-he couldn't 'fix' it, his male ego was flattened and felt he had failed us/me.
I want him to confide in me, I want that real intamacy back. I, the mother of his children, the one who knows everything about him (or so I thought), his strengths and weaknesses-and still love him.
He asked me to help him fix what he broke-so far he doesn't seem to want/need my help...or if he truely does, I simply cannot recognize the way he is asking (yet).(?)
