************************************** Your h may not be quite at the point yet where he is able to fully give to you. **************************************** Right on!
Me2, What makes you think that he is not scared, tired, confused. Then again, maybe he just ain't ready yet.
You say that nothing seems to work yet you are here rather than in one of the other forums. This tells me that you think something is working.
I see Winney the Pooh sitting on a log in the hundred acre woods, poking himself in the head, Think! Think! Think!.
Maybe you should go back to list making. Write down what has worked in the past, what definitely does not work and what seems to not work. Then you can get creative and come up with something new.
Thanks you all-I sincerely appreciate you guys lifting me up and getting me pointed back in the right direction.
I have figured another thing out-what I am missing, what I need from my H is for him to display more empathy towards me and what he has done. I know he is sorry and that he regrets immensely what he did...but I need to see his empathy for how I feel.
I try to feel empathy for him, once I get past my initial anger and sadness I can see how the A affected him-how sad he seems, how he never thought he'd do such a thing, how it goes against his values and his vow to me, and how he feels like such a shit for hurting me, and how confusing it must be for him to not really know WHY he did it-knowing it was wrong and thinking that I'd leave him.
I know he hurts too. I just wish he'd tell me once and a while and let me help him through his pain. I think I might actually be able to say to him "I forgive you" if he were to be open up to me in that way.
I found some articles on the internet the other day-one by Michelle and a few others, one by Dr.Peggy and another interview-type article by another dr...I read and highlighted things I felt applied to me, my perception of him and the A...I left them on the dining room table. I didn't mention them to him as I did not get them for him. However, if he sees/saw them and chooses to read them, I would like that. I may ask him about them when we have some time and see what he thinks and if he did read them (they had been moved from where I left them)-he knows what I need.
I have noticed that he was somewhat more 'huggy' towards me the day before yesterday he held me tight for a long time after he got home and yesterday afternoon-we played hookey together-he called me and asked if I could meet him for lunch-and 'did I really have to go back to work?!' We went for a ride on the bike, out to lunch and then shopping for our 6 year olds birthday which is today, it was nice.
We shall see...and you are right, there are many things that are working for us, I mean, hell, I'm still here! I do not want a divorce. I want my marriage back-not to the way it was, but to what I believed it could be when I said "I do".
And I recognize that yes, I am very needy-much more so than I used to be. I need constant confirmation and reassurances from him. I told him the other night that I don't know who I am anymore, and what I should have said next is that I do know that I want to be his wife/partner/lover and grow old with him. For some reason, I kept that to myself.
Luv,
Pooh (that one made me laugh out loud...think think think!! I love it!!)
*************************************** I have figured another thing out-what I am missing, what I need from my H is for him to display more empathy towards me and what he has done. I know he is sorry and that he regrets immensely what he did...but I need to see his empathy for how I feel. *****************************************
I'm not sure you figured it out yet. You say you know he is sorry, but that you need more. it's almost like you want to see him suffering. Keep in mind that he may be keeping his suffering from you. I kept it from my W.
**************************************** I think I might actually be able to say to him "I forgive you" if he were to be open up to me in that way. *****************************************
Forgiveness does not have these conditions on it. Remember, forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven as it releives the pain that has bee brought onto you. Only you can decide when you are thru with the pain. Do you listen to Don Henley at all. He has a song about forgiveness. It's pretty good.
Your H is not real communicative. Very similar to my W. They show there love and attempts to connect in a different manner. What H did the other day is his attempt to reach for you. Try to revel in the fact that he still reaches. Quit worrying about how he does it.
I love the fact that H called me up the other day and asked me to play hookey with him. We had a great time together. I am beginning to recognize his reaching for me in all sorts of ways I had been too upset to notice over the past few months. This I am celebrating-it's like a bright warm light in a whole lot of darkness.
I am still very needy. Always have been and probably always will be. I usually come across as very 'in control' and 'confident' and have been described as a 'strong woman' a number of times, however, I need very much from him. I entrusted my love and fidelity to him...Compassion, empathy, feeling, touch, intamacy, trust, confidence to name a few...these are things that I equate with love. Maybe that's the estrogen in me, I dunno.
Kent-you mention that I want to see him suffer. Absolutely...or at least that's how I felt after the bomb and even threatened to have an A just so he would know how it felt.
Since I have been DB'ing (to the best of my ability-and I don't think I'm all that good at it....too transparent!!), and recovering, I do not feel that way anymore. I know he will suffer in his own private hell every day for the rest of his life. He internalizes his guilt and ends up beating himself up over it- sometimes even physically-he was/is a good runner-had back surgery in 97 and some problems since then-well, after A started he started running every day-it was like self-mutilation. I asked him about it (as he was having more pain and tests/MRI's etc) and said maybe he should lay off the running...asked if he was hurting himself on purpose-he of course said "no". At any rate-he ended up re-injuring his back...he has since admitted in C that this was a release for him, a way to 'punish' himself....because he felt so crappy about what he was doing-he needed a release.
What I'm getting at by desiring more empathy, more feeling from him, is that I desperately want to be the one he turns to, his release-we used to talk like that and we were there for each other-even shared a private joke about "stress relief"...I want to BE there for him, if only he'd let me be (again). I feel that is my purpose and (one) role as his wife. I may not be able to fix anything, but I'd like to know when he feels crappy-about WHATEVER-and just tell him that it's OK, I love him and I am here for him.
I also want the same from him...I assumed I had it-but the way it made him feel may be partly responsible for his decision to have A. In that; I dumped too much on him-he couldn't 'fix' it, his male ego was flattened and felt he had failed us/me.
I want him to confide in me, I want that real intamacy back. I, the mother of his children, the one who knows everything about him (or so I thought), his strengths and weaknesses-and still love him.
He asked me to help him fix what he broke-so far he doesn't seem to want/need my help...or if he truely does, I simply cannot recognize the way he is asking (yet).(?)
Me2, Maybe you just need to figure out the best way to help him in order for him to help you. Go back to DB, read Getting through to the man you love, and get the KLA tapes if possible. He's asking you to help, maybe you're just not hearing it the right way, and maybe you need to figure out how to help him. He sounds terribly guilt-ridden, a person can't love if they have guilt, they only feel pity. If you feel like punishing him, he will continue to feel guilt, and the cycle will continue. Figure out a way to stop thinking about punishing. I know, cause this is a big one with me.
I cut and pasted this for you. I hope that you will find some solace in it. It helped me very much.
The marriage you had is history. It is in your memory but the affair and your husband;s behavior have changed your marriage. It probably will never be what it was before. Your marriage will be what you make it, starting today. Your husband will emerge. His condition is not permanent. He may take two months, he may take two years. He is sick at heart and confused in the head. As I remeber it, I had the sensation of just wakin up one day and not feeling bad. All of a sudden I could think again. All of a sudden the world made sense once more. Your future will be shaped by how you treat him now.
Here's what I would have wanted. An unconditional friend who loved and accepted me the way I was right now. A friend who witheheld judgement and was not critical of my confusion and weakness. A friend who could hold me close and let me work thru my thoughts without demanding to know what was on my mind. A friend who could either cuddle me or let me set alone and not point out the difference. A friend who accepted my choice (to be with her) w/o over analyzing or demanding that I repeatedly explain my choice or relive my decision process. A friend who was concerned with how I felt and what I wanted but never asked any questions. After all the years of disapproval, the most wounding actions to me are questions with thinly disguised motivation.
Sometimes, I think there could be nothing more frightening than a determined wife "working" on her marriage. If your H is anything like me, he is emotionally wounded. After wars, they had some returning soldiers who were shell-shocked. That would have described me. I would have hidden from anyone who pushed me for progress or answers. I had no answers while I was depressed. I would tell you anything you wanted to get you off my back.
Now I must put that fully into practice and believe in us again. There are still a few things that made me angry when I read them*********************** " A friend who accepted my choice (to be with her) w/o over analyzing or demanding that I repeatedly explain my choice or relive my decision process. A friend who was concerned with how I felt and what I wanted but never asked any questions. After all the years of disapproval, the most wounding actions to me are questions with thinly disguised motivation. *************************** That really gets to me....It makes me angry..."accept" his choice to be with her....wow, I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to do that one....accept-maybe I think I've gotten to 'dealing with it', but acceptance is a far cry from aggreeing...I will never agree with that decision. I need to know what let him to that decision-so we will not make those same mistakes. And I'd like to think (niavety??) that our marriage had not been "years of disapproval". I thought we had it all....(more niavety??).
I know I have not truely let go of all my anger and hurt.
Again, I have to say wow. That courtryboy sure ain't no bumpkin. I'm printing it out and to read...and read...and read....If he gets the chance to read this-I would really like to thank him.
Also gonna go back to Barnes and Noble this weekend and pick up a few more books.
You guys are the best-TA!
L-smiling and feeling true PMA as she sits in the hundred acre wood watching Christopher Robin play, and gets stuck in the tree with Pooh to get the honey!
Me2, I think what CB meant in his choice to be with her, was his choice to stay with his wife, without asking why he made that choice, and in so doing making him relive the whole painful process over again. I went through three periods of "remission" from mlc with my h, and I've only now learned what I needed to learn through it. Maybe there's more you need to learn about yourself. I don't mean to sound hard, but your marriage didn't just fall apart because of your h's mlc -- that made it much, much worse. But it had problems or you wouldn't be here right now. Part of letting go of the past, is to try and see through the hurt and accept responsibility for your aprt. It's hard and I still stumble on that.
