Kent, thanks....again, and let me say that you are correct, and I do believe that my H wants to be here and wants to try, and when you say "...YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT HELPING IN A PRODUCTIVE FASHION." I know my feelings are not productive, that is why I keep them to myself, so as to NOT depress him either, but then where is my support? It's like a double edged sword.
"TIME TO READ THE DB BOOK AGAIN. ONE MORE TIME FOR CONTENT. AS MICHELLE SAYS. YOU NEED TO WORK AT MAKING MARRIAGE GREAT. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE COMPLICATED. FOCUS ON WHAT WORKS." I will start re-reading today. My problem is that I still have not found what works...all of the things you suggest:
"THINK ABOUT WHAT H WOULD BE DOING IF YOU FELT HE WAS SUPPORTING YOU THROUGH THESE TOUGH TIMES. DISCUSS THIS STUFF IN THE C SESSIONS. KEEP IT SIMPLE. SHOW HIM THAT THERE IS SOME SIMPLE MEDICINE HE CAN OFFER TO HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR SICK FEELING. KEEP IT SIMPLE AND DIRECT OR HE WON'T DO IT. TRY TELLING HIM WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP. KEEP IT SIMPLE. IT DOES'NT HAVE TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR EITHER. IT COULD BE A HUG, A DATE, FLOWERS, JUST ABOUT ANY FORM OF AFFECTION WILL PROBABLY WORK. IT WORKS FOR ME." - I have done, a few times....no change, he says he will, but when I ask (directly and indirectly) he doesn't deliver. Just a simple hug-no in-depth OR talk...no fancy lights or bells and whistles-for some reason he still holds back, which makes me wonder if this/me is what he truely wants. The whole actions and words thing.
"IT'S CUS YOUR PUSHING TO HARD. HE CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES, HE NOTICES THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T SMILE..." that's just it-I don't think I'm pushing at all anymore, and I don't go around all the time frowning and depressed, most of the time I'm ok, and happy that we're together, we laugh and joke and have a good time together, it just gets to me sometimes-and when it does, I seem to be left alone to deal with it.
I have not forgiven him. I also know I am the only one who can DECIDE to, for him and me. I wish I could identify what is holding me back. Or maybe it's that I have not forgiven myself yet?
I need to start with that. Forgivness is a gift you give yourself......
