quote:Originally posted by Me2: I have just reallized the answer to your question Kent....I do know exactly what I am afraid of...I will try to narrow it down-here goes:
I am afraid of being myself because that is the person he cheated on. And since I still really don't know why I feel helpless to fix it or to see any warning signs to prevent it in the future.
WHAT IS BEING YOURSELF? I FIND THAT EVEN THAT PART OF ME IS DIFFERENT NOW. FOR ME, IT CHANGED WHEN I TRUELY GAVE UP ON THE PAST. THE RESENTMENT, THE ANGER, THE SADNESS.
I am afraid of him seeing me sad, which is a lot more often than he realizes, like (Neely I think?) said, when I bring it up it makes him feel guilty and sad. So I stuff it, he can tell when something is bothering me but he just doesn't seem to care-he acts so emotionless...he says it's because he knows what it is (the A) and he is 'powerless' to do anything. He tells me; "what more can I do, what more can I say" and my all time favorite "I told you I was sorry".
WHEN HE SAYS STUFF LIKE THIS, TRY GIVING HIM SOME INPUT LIKE "HOW ABOUT A HUG". THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STILL DWELLING ON THIS INDICATES YOU ARE STILL STRUGGLING WITH LETTING GO OF THE PAST. HOW OFTEN IS THIS HAPPENING? SOME PERSONAL C SESSIONS MAY BE IN ORDER.
I am afraid of this marriage failing. I am afraid that it, that I, was not important enough to him to honor his vow. I don't know why he felt the need to make the decision he made, he cannot express what he WAS feeling to me, or what he IS feeling.
HE WON'T EXPRESS HIM CUS HE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT IT. HE PROBABLY FIGURES IT WILL JUST PULL YOU DOWN LOWER. SORTOF A REVERSE WHAMMMY. HE IS WORRIED YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER THE PAST. IF YOU DON'T FIND A WAY TO LET GO OF THIS CRAP, YOUR MARRIAGE WILL FAIL. THINK ABOUT WHAT H WOULD BE DOING IF YOU FELT HE WAS SUPPORTING YOU THROUGH THESE TOUGH TIMES. DISCUSS THIS STUFF IN THE C SESSIONS. KEEP IT SIMPLE. SHOW HIM THAT THERE IS SOME SIMPLE MEDICINE HE CAN OFFER TO HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR SICK FEELING. KEEP IT SIMPLE AND DIRECT OR HE WON'T DO IT.
I am afraid he does not desire me anymore. Many mean things were said (by him to me) regarding our intamacy a few months ago-I believe he liked(s) sex with OW more than with me...even tho I thought our sex life to be dam good, I thought he enjoyed it, now I realize that he really does not-at least not with me...more naivity on my part. He says he does desire me-but actions speak louder than words-we barely have sex once a week if even that and I initiate-he says it's because he's too tired and busy-well, fine, but he sure as hell made time for OW to have sex with her-even taking time away from our family holiday to be with her....wasn't too busy or tired then.
WE ALL GO THRU THESE CYCLES. MY W WAS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS YOUR H. I USED TO PURSUE HER 3 TIMES A WEEK. NOW, I'VE CHANGED. I QUIT PURSUING HER SEXUALLY AND LOW AN BEHOLD, SHE STARTS ASKING. IS IT 3 TIME PER WEEK? NO! THAT DOES NOT MATTER AS MUCH TO ME RIGHT NOW.
I am afraid I am a fool. For believing in him and in us...most of all in me, that I believed I was "the one" for him and he for me. Silly and sappy, huh. So niave.
YEP! I CALLED IT IGNORANCE. NOW YOU KNOW YOUR R CAN FAIL. SO COULD THE NEXT ONE. YOU WILL NEVER BE IGNORANT OF THIS AGAIN SO GET OVER IT.
I am afraid of hurting my children. I will not leave H because of them. I will not fail them. H claims to love me and wants to be a family-I have no choice but to believe that. I guess it's up to me to deal with these feelings of inadequecy that I have.
ACTING AS IF MEANS THAT YOU START BELIEVING WHAT HE IS SAYING IS THE TRUTH. IF HE SENSES YOU DON'T BELIEVE HIM, HE WILL CLAM UP. YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. YOU NEED TO FIND AWAY TO LET GO OF YOUR FEELINGS OF IMPENDING DISASTER. IF YOU DON'T, YOU WILL CREATE YOUR OWN DISASTER.
Like I told him last night, we will go along like everything is OK and I will deal with my feelings...alone. I guess that's the way he wants it because he sure doesn't want to talk to me.
TRY TELLING HIM WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP. KEEP IT SIMPLE. IT DOES'NT HAVE TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR EITHER. IT COULD BE A HUG, A DATE, FLOWERS, JUST ABOUT ANY FORM OF AFFECTION WILL PROBABLY WORK. IT WORKS FOR ME.
Lastly, one more fear, that he will find someone else to talk to, that's what he said OW became (after they had drunken sex) she was "just someone to talk to". I have tried asking him to talk to me, begging him, asking him in therapy to try and be more open with me, and even outing him in therapy for NOT talking to me, I have tried to leave him to himself hoping he would come around and talk on his own, I have tried to make it "safe" for him to talk to me (by tempering my usual emotional reations-now I have none)...I have tried doing nothing....that's where I am now. Sad to say, but I'm about to the point where I don't want to care anymore. It's like I'm tired of caring-I am just so tired.
SO IS HE. IF YOU ARE THIS TIRED, IT'S CUS YOUR PUSHING TO HARD. HE CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES, HE NOTICES THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T SMILE, THE WRINKLE LINES YOUR GETTING FROM WORRY. IT IS ALL OBVIOUS TO H. YOU NEED TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY OR YOU CAN'T RESTORE YOUR M.
I cannot make him do anything, I know that. I can simply be here-but shouldn't I be allowed to expect the same from him?
EXPECTATION IS WHAT GETS US INTO TROUBLE. WHEN YOU FIRST GOT TOGATHER, IT WAS OUT OF WILLINGNESS. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
HOPE IT HELPS A LITTLE ME2. I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HARSH. I'M TRYING TO POINT YOU TOWARDS THE LIGHT. THE SECRET IS LETTING GO. LETTING GO OF THOSE BAD FEELINGS AND STARTING FRESH. H PROBABLY IS GENUINE ABOUT WANTING TO TRY. YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT HELPING IN A PRODUCTIVE FASHION.
TIME TO READ THE DB BOOK AGAIN. ONE MORE TIME FOR CONTENT. AS MICHELLE SAYS. YOU NEED TO WORK AT MAKING MARRIAGE GREAT. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE COMPLICATED. FOCUS ON WHAT WORKS.
