I have just reallized the answer to your question Kent....I do know exactly what I am afraid of...I will try to narrow it down-here goes:
I am afraid of being myself because that is the person he cheated on. And since I still really don't know why I feel helpless to fix it or to see any warning signs to prevent it in the future.
I am afraid of him seeing me sad, which is a lot more often than he realizes, like (Neely I think?) said, when I bring it up it makes him feel guilty and sad. So I stuff it, he can tell when something is bothering me but he just doesn't seem to care-he acts so emotionless...he says it's because he knows what it is (the A) and he is 'powerless' to do anything. He tells me; "what more can I do, what more can I say" and my all time favorite "I told you I was sorry".
I am afraid of this marriage failing. I am afraid that it, that I, was not important enough to him to honor his vow. I don't know why he felt the need to make the decision he made, he cannot express what he WAS feeling to me, or what he IS feeling.
I am afraid he does not desire me anymore. Many mean things were said (by him to me) regarding our intamacy a few months ago-I believe he liked(s) sex with OW more than with me...even tho I thought our sex life to be dam good, I thought he enjoyed it, now I realize that he really does not-at least not with me...more naivity on my part. He says he does desire me-but actions speak louder than words-we barely have sex once a week if even that and I initiate-he says it's because he's too tired and busy-well, fine, but he sure as hell made time for OW to have sex with her-even taking time away from our family holiday to be with her....wasn't too busy or tired then.
I am afraid I am a fool. For believing in him and in us...most of all in me, that I believed I was "the one" for him and he for me. Silly and sappy, huh. So niave.
I am afraid of hurting my children. I will not leave H because of them. I will not fail them. H claims to love me and wants to be a family-I have no choice but to believe that. I guess it's up to me to deal with these feelings of inadequecy that I have.
Like I told him last night, we will go along like everything is OK and I will deal with my feelings...alone. I guess that's the way he wants it because he sure doesn't want to talk to me.
Lastly, one more fear, that he will find someone else to talk to, that's what he said OW became (after they had drunken sex) she was "just someone to talk to". I have tried asking him to talk to me, begging him, asking him in therapy to try and be more open with me, and even outing him in therapy for NOT talking to me, I have tried to leave him to himself hoping he would come around and talk on his own, I have tried to make it "safe" for him to talk to me (by tempering my usual emotional reations-now I have none)...I have tried doing nothing....that's where I am now. Sad to say, but I'm about to the point where I don't want to care anymore. It's like I'm tired of caring-I am just so tired.
I cannot make him do anything, I know that. I can simply be here-but shouldn't I be allowed to expect the same from him?
