I guess I gave up wanting to hear the answers to the questions I was previously killing myself over. I now realize, the only reason they could still matter is to better teach me why?. I'm not stupid. I could add 1 plus 1. The evidence spoke for itself.
I resolved myself to forgive W for the past, not knowing what I was truley forgiving her for. I could only speculate. I did this because I loved my W and I know now that I helped push her away. I also had to let go of these and other bad feelings to allow a happy me to emerge out of the tunnel.
Never settle if you are not happy with the situation. W and I are still in C sessions even though my last thread said they would probably end a month or so ago. The key is to keep thinking about what could make it better. We will never change who our spouses are. We can show them we intend to live a positive life and they will typically try to ride the positivity. I use the C sessions as an opportunity to allow W to vent.
Marriage is hard work. Had I known, I may have never married to begin with. I know that I am a better person for it. I love spending time with my kids. Lots of it. I know I would rather die than cause them pain. Since Divorce causes kids pain and limits your time with your kids, I guess I know why we hate the thought.
I have nothing to complain about anymore. I have already begun to compose my final TY note to Michelle. I realize that even posting to this BB is taking time from my wife, my kids and my work. I will be backing away from this even though I am still a bit scared. I realize that I am scared because the older I get, the more I realize how ignorant I have been in the past. Makes me wonder what little surprise is over the next hill. I realize that this BB can't change that because it's called life.
I can honestly say that this BB and DB changed my life. At age 42+, I am for the first time what I consider to be a happy person. I've spent my entire life searching for happiness like it was something I could buy or latch onto or otherwise aquire. I now realize it was inside all along. All I had to do was allow it to come out. My W notices the change and she is riding my happiness while she searches for her own. I'm OK with that.
My favorite time of the day is when you crawl into bed and start to slip into sleep. I feel at peace with the world. Nowadays, we typically slip away togather hand in hand.
