Hope you don't mind me busting in on your thread, but I'm in aosrt of the same position as all of you. My h had a very intense EA for the better part of three eyars, and I suspect a couple of PAs early on (disappointment over the unrequited love of his soulmate/ea). I have gone through all the usual elements of this stuff (evidence of infidelity in his behaviour, including the BOMB, the ambiguity over whether to leave or stay, etc.)
He is now saying he wants to stay, and that he loves me, and he is attentive and loving and caring. But he refuses to discuss any of the past three years, unless I ask specific questions. For me, there's been no admission of affairs, though I feel it in my gut that there have been. So I'm wandering around in the dark with my suspicions which easily become obsessions, and he won't talk in those areas. In fact, during the past two years we have had some pretty major setbacks and they always came around my pushing for answers to things. I am hoping to find some way to get my h to open up -- he's a classic conflict avoider and doesn't like to confront issues. I'm not so afraid to, though I'm sure I won't like what I hear.
I feel we really need a housecleaning in order to keep things going well. Being kind and affectionate go a long way, but in the end unless there's a measure of honesty and opennes we'll end up the same place we were. It's possible he won't open up because he's afraid I'm going to be judgmental, which I can be. I would dearly love to go to Retrouvaille, since I've heard so much good stuff about it. I struggled very hard to keep the marriage together, and as you've all found out and as countless others will to, it was only when I'd really and truly given up and was ready to move out myself, that he started to come around. He went through what I think was mlc for the past 2-3 three years (or more), and there were some very bad memories from all this, with him underfoot and putting us both on the rollercoaster ride.
If any of you have suggestions as to how to approach communication, I'm all ears. Ironically, throughout all this his constant complaint was that we don't communciate (ow and he had a veyr intense communication thing going on I think) but the reality is he doesn't communicate very well.
Me2, as for your talks about the A, I think what you're feeling is very normal and justified. In DB, Michele cited a couple who went through an infidelity and she had them agree to a half hour talk twice a week, during which the wife would ask allt he quesitons she wanted, but she wasn't allowed to ask any more than the half hour. The first half hour they did this, the h allowed her to go overtime, and was very caring and loving throughout the questions. She felt so much better they didn't need the second half hour later in the week. But they scheduled these things, and that helped to monitor the convo. Can you ask h to try this?
Jilly, I watched your drama unfold, though I never posted to you. Glad to hear you are doing well. Also glad to hear that it's a real uphill battle when you are reconciling. It doesn't make me feel so alone, and that it's normal.
Kent, I have read a lot of your posts too, and have watched how you've grown in wisdom and patience, as well as forgiveness. I wish I were where you're at.
[This message has been edited by AlexN (edited 04-19-2001).]
