I have been keeping up with posts, but not posting myself-been pretty busy.
Same ol'thing. I am beginning to wonder if I even love H anymore, I mean, I know I LOVE love him...it's just not the same. We just go along like everything's ok.....just as we did before the A.
I seem to keep thinking that our marriage was just not important enough to him NOT to have an A. He just didn't love me enough to be faithful to me. HE says it wasn't about ME, ok, then why am I the one it affects the most? If it wasn't about me then, it sure as heck is now.
I am the only one that can decide if I can live with this. Sometimes I think I'm only here because of the kids. I had a pretty bad day one day last week, he could tell I was upset and wanted to know why. I told him. I could not get images of him and OW together out of my mind-they'd just come in flashes (pretty vivid too). He didn't say anything, didn't answer the question I asked-he just went to bed...did not want to address the issue with me. He tells the therapist that he is much more open with me now. I don't think he is, and say so during the sessions, which anymore, is the only time I do. Most feelings I keep to myself now.
He is away on business this week and he told me last night that he'd miss me...I didn't answer him back. Honestly I'm not sure if I do.
I am having a hard time existing in the way things were before. I am not that same person, I do not feel the same way about him, about me, about us. I do not want it to end...I just want to NOT associate everything about our marriage as a farce and a sham because of his poor choice.
I do not want to be that person anymore-the one he cheated on. How can I be the 'girl he fell in love with' if that's the same girl he cheated on? So who am I now? I feel very helpless. He will not tell me why he made the choice to do this-I do believe him when he says he does not know-but even so, it does not help me cope any better.
I'm just depressed lately...I know, focus on the positives.....and I know I have MANY to be thankful for...probably why I have not posted these feelings before....ok I'm done sniveling....
