Jilly- Very interested to see how Retrouvaille goes for you. It was the setting where I dedicated myself to understand even if I wasn't understood and that has made a big difference. (Guess I've said that a time or two and few different ways around here ). The toughest time for me was at around 18 months. We had worked so hard and both were struggling so. I'd hoped to have it all wrapped up by that time. So glad we got through that tough period.
I agree that you need to develop a sense with your H that things are different than they were before the affair. He may already feel that they are differnet and better(my H did) but hasn't communicated this to you in a way you really hear. There comes a time in all this when opening up in a non-judgemental, loving way is important. Does sound like you are making progress. That's what's most important.
It seems that everything everyone keeps saying about rebuilding...how to be loving and non-judgemental, how to communicate with your spouse, how not to act/be, what not to say...when to withdraw and give space and when to gently push..it seems that although I did not understand the "names" for these before the A, this is how OR was. At least for me. I thought we were pretty OK. I was satisfied, happy most of the time..sure there was some unresolved resentment but who doesn't harbor SOME things?
I was very blind and extreemely niave. What unsettles me now is....how can I NOT be now? I am just not sure who I am anymore and what I believe in...and who. The only person I truely trust (besides God) is myself. Is that the way is should be? That just seems so sad to me.
I can now see H for who he really is; a man that exudes quiet confidence, I also see him as a man who is so afraid of losing me because of a stupid thing HE did that he is really trying to make things the way they were-which is what he thinks I want, I also see a man who is still very confused, but mostly I see a man who just cannot truely open up to me. I have tried the gentle loving OR talks....about how I want to make OR safe for him, so he can open up to me... been through it in C a few times.... I don't know what else I can do, different than I am doing now, to make him feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I fear that if he does not, we will eventually find ourselves back to just before the A, when he'll get those feelings again-and have to prove something to himself....I need a big dose of PATIENCE!!!!
I am beginning to think that's what the A was all about anyway. He felt he had failed us, and the family, abandoned us in a new state/new job/2 little kids/2 dogs/working full time/settling on a new house...etc, etc...so he needed to feel he still had "it". He needed to prove to himself that he was still a MAN.
OK, fine, I just sure wish there had been another way.
I seem to find my mind rambling many thoughts...I just want what I thought I had....FOR REAL (as my kids say!!) this time.
I realize that I am extreemely lucky because he is here (physically anyway) and appears to be trying (But also remember this...be careful what you wish for because you might get it)...most of our days are really good. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm acting. Playing a role so comfortable I know no other.
R'vaille was very good. All it is built up to be. H was feeling very accepted and positive by the weekends end. Feeling so good he wanted to back out of the follow up sessions that he committed to- to get in on the weekend. Very annoying. Gently reminded him of our committment to the program. He has complained about it and we have not done any of our follow up work. Tried to do some of the work last night and it turned into a fight. How's that for a resounding backslide? He still isnt speaking to me and it is our 4 yr. old son's birthday today. In some ways it feels like nothing has changed. I am sure we will pull something together for our son. The other siblings won't let it pass unnoticed. Hope you all are having good days. J
Jilly Just wanted to let you know that the first week after Retrouvaille was a tough one for us also. Sure hope your H will go for the follow-up that really is important. Glad you gently reminded him. Here's what helped me. Keeping the dialog to non-judgementally accepting feelings EVEN if I thought my H wasn't doing his part. Keep it to the suggested time. Make a commitment to your self that no matter what you will not participate in an argument during dialog time. If you somehow miraculously get into an argument during dialog time anyway don't get upset with yourself just figure out how your H pushed your button and be ready next time. No matter what happens realize that something positive did happen during that weekend which proves things can be better. Hanging on to it is tough, it takes lots of practice and patience. Rooting for you both.
Me2, It really sounds to me like patience and persistence may be the keys for you. It takes time. LOTS of time. Sounds like you are doing pretty well on the balance of honesty and understanding part. Pretty tough when you understandably are furious. Think you should give yourself a big pat on the back.
It's been a long hard road for us but I really do feel like we are very close to "having what I thought we did FOR REAL!" Exactly the words I choose too! :)
ALTL- Thank you for the encouragment. We were able to get back on track faster than previously. It helps that H is so motivated. We went to the 1st followup which was fine..just far away and on Saturday night- which H hates. He's willing to make the effort tho. Overall things are pretty good. I still have thoughts about ow -that I shove aside. I still have days I think H is going to change his mind and leave. R'vaille helped me to be able to voice those fears to H. H in turn asked me what I would do if we did run into ow again. So he felt safe voicing his fears,too.( I assured him-No Jerry Springer Show.) Our 14th anniversary is Wednesday. Looking forward to celebrating...
Me2-How are you? How are things going?
Working on my marriage gives me less time on this board. I check in about once a week but I think of you all often and keep you in my prayers. J
I have been keeping up with posts, but not posting myself-been pretty busy.
Same ol'thing. I am beginning to wonder if I even love H anymore, I mean, I know I LOVE love him...it's just not the same. We just go along like everything's ok.....just as we did before the A.
I seem to keep thinking that our marriage was just not important enough to him NOT to have an A. He just didn't love me enough to be faithful to me. HE says it wasn't about ME, ok, then why am I the one it affects the most? If it wasn't about me then, it sure as heck is now.
I am the only one that can decide if I can live with this. Sometimes I think I'm only here because of the kids. I had a pretty bad day one day last week, he could tell I was upset and wanted to know why. I told him. I could not get images of him and OW together out of my mind-they'd just come in flashes (pretty vivid too). He didn't say anything, didn't answer the question I asked-he just went to bed...did not want to address the issue with me. He tells the therapist that he is much more open with me now. I don't think he is, and say so during the sessions, which anymore, is the only time I do. Most feelings I keep to myself now.
He is away on business this week and he told me last night that he'd miss me...I didn't answer him back. Honestly I'm not sure if I do.
I am having a hard time existing in the way things were before. I am not that same person, I do not feel the same way about him, about me, about us. I do not want it to end...I just want to NOT associate everything about our marriage as a farce and a sham because of his poor choice.
I do not want to be that person anymore-the one he cheated on. How can I be the 'girl he fell in love with' if that's the same girl he cheated on? So who am I now? I feel very helpless. He will not tell me why he made the choice to do this-I do believe him when he says he does not know-but even so, it does not help me cope any better.
I'm just depressed lately...I know, focus on the positives.....and I know I have MANY to be thankful for...probably why I have not posted these feelings before....ok I'm done sniveling....
Me2, Boy can I relate to those feelings sometimes. They are getting fewer and further between now that I hold myself responsible for them. Yes, our spouses made some bad choices. But we can't resent them for it forever. We need to let go of the resentment or let go of them. That really is the choice.
Some days, I am only there for the kids. On these days I ask why I feel this way. Usually it is because nobody has lifted my spirits. I still look to W for this even though it is unfair. We are responsible for lifting our own spirits.
The difference between now and before the affair is you were innocent/ignorant to the dynamics of your relationship. That old saying of ignorance is bliss seems true. Now you realize the marriage is work and you long for the ignorance again. If you choose the ignorance, chances are good the history will repeat itself.
Time to think about doing something special. Something for you and something for H. Me, I love cheesecake. Now let your imagination wander a bit.
H and I have been trying to get away together for a weekend, my mom offered to watch the boys so we could go away for our anniversary (in March) but so far with his schedule and holiday weekends with family we have been unable. Hopefully in May.
I took notice of your description of how you look to your W to lift up your spirits and realized that I expect that from my H and that this is how I believed us to be. We had (I thought) an understanding that we would always "be there" for each other, if for no other reason than to make the other grin. Even while he was overseas (while A was going on ), I'd say to him (email/IM or phone) 'please just listen and let me vent-I know you cannot do anything about it-I'm not asking you to fix anything...just listen to me and tell me you love me and that you'd hug me if you could'. I also assumed he would want the same from me-like he always had...when he didn't, I verbalized my concern-that I WANTED to 'be there' for him...listening to him vent would take me away from the 'issues' of my day. Is this a difficult concept to grasp? Escapism? He apparently thought it too taxing.
I guess this was ignorance on my part-or maybe I just overwhelmed him, I dunno. I have always been described as one of those women with a 'strong personality'. Mom always said I'd need a man who was 'stronger' than me....thought I'd found him. Now I'm not so sure who I have.
Nothing worth the effort to have is ever easy to attain and keep fresh and vibrant-I know it will take work, and I will have good days and bad days...but how come I seem to be the only one that rides this roller coaster? H just goes along as normal. It scares me. I didn't see the forest for the trees before...am I lost in the trees again? And WHY am I seemigly so diffucult to talk to? H used to have no problem talking to me...I mean, if I didn't leave him for cheating on me then what ever is he afraid of? What, that if he tells me something deep I'll leave?
I would just like to see a little more evidence of remorse from him...a more visible attempt to 'win back my trust and my heart', and oh, I dunno, occasionally I'd like to see him depressed over what he has done...sounds pretty sick I know, but it would give me some measure of comfort to see him sad on occasion. He told me at the beginning of this mess that he wanted my help to fix what he broke...soooo....
). The toughest time for me was at around 18 months. We had worked so hard and both were struggling so. I'd hoped to have it all wrapped up by that time. So glad we got through that tough period.