It seems that everything everyone keeps saying about rebuilding...how to be loving and non-judgemental, how to communicate with your spouse, how not to act/be, what not to say...when to withdraw and give space and when to gently push..it seems that although I did not understand the "names" for these before the A, this is how OR was. At least for me. I thought we were pretty OK. I was satisfied, happy most of the time..sure there was some unresolved resentment but who doesn't harbor SOME things?
I was very blind and extreemely niave. What unsettles me now is....how can I NOT be now? I am just not sure who I am anymore and what I believe in...and who. The only person I truely trust (besides God) is myself. Is that the way is should be? That just seems so sad to me.
I can now see H for who he really is; a man that exudes quiet confidence, I also see him as a man who is so afraid of losing me because of a stupid thing HE did that he is really trying to make things the way they were-which is what he thinks I want, I also see a man who is still very confused, but mostly I see a man who just cannot truely open up to me. I have tried the gentle loving OR talks....about how I want to make OR safe for him, so he can open up to me... been through it in C a few times.... I don't know what else I can do, different than I am doing now, to make him feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I fear that if he does not, we will eventually find ourselves back to just before the A, when he'll get those feelings again-and have to prove something to himself....I need a big dose of PATIENCE!!!!
I am beginning to think that's what the A was all about anyway. He felt he had failed us, and the family, abandoned us in a new state/new job/2 little kids/2 dogs/working full time/settling on a new house...etc, etc...so he needed to feel he still had "it". He needed to prove to himself that he was still a MAN.
OK, fine, I just sure wish there had been another way.
I seem to find my mind rambling many thoughts...I just want what I thought I had....FOR REAL (as my kids say!!) this time.
I realize that I am extreemely lucky because he is here (physically anyway) and appears to be trying (But also remember this...be careful what you wish for because you might get it)...most of our days are really good. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm acting. Playing a role so comfortable I know no other.
