Overall you and H seem to be doing really well. I do share some of your feelings regarding trust and the possibility of A occuring again.
Just last night as H is expressing how happy he is and I am 'the one' and we are together,etc....I am thinking..yeah for now.. But what about forever? You used to say you would never leave me and we would always be together. Why should I believe those words now? And in fact I did tell him how I was feeling. He could not provide me with anything other than words he felt sincere about NOW. Its like it is a circumstantial happiness. What about when tough times come again as they inevitably do? What about the normal ebb and flow of emotional intensity? H says we have an 'awareness' that we didnt have before. I am not so sure that is enough. But it is that 'one day at a time' thing again... Focus on making each day count... that I am relying on. I know I refer to a lot of different books on marriage but they really have helped me. Willard Harley has some excellent ones. I havent read his book on Surviving an Affair- or title somewhat like that...but he has said in other books that no one should completely trust another person. Not even a couple with a very strong marriage. We are all human and fallible. Plus...if one knows that the other needs to be answered to...one is less likely to fall into deception. If I dont trust H completely...and I dont....it helps him be more accountable and sensitive to me. Like when he said he would be home at 10 and I didnt hear from him at 11...he had some splainin' to do. So...I guess I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in your feelings. I am still working all this out,too. It IS hard when the hurt/anger creeps in. Betrayal is a deep wound that takes time to heal. At some point I need to talk to H to try and tell him what this all really did to me. I know he knows it was wrong and it hurt me but he really doesnt understand how this whole thing affected me and how profoundly deep the wound is. We are going to Retrouvaille this weekend. Perhaps there will be an opportunity there. Jilly
