A-day has come and gone and I have survived. I feel guilty but not once did I say the words "Happy Anniversary", I just said "you too", somantics I know, but I still do not feel the same bond. I'm sure he noticed but he didn't bring it up. We had a good day. We've been having good days.
I wrote down my goals for him. I think he was surprised. (pleasantly). Now the trick is to live them.
Letting go is so much easier than holding on to it all-all the worry, anger, fear, mistrust, betrayal, hurt, more anger, and well, y'all know the rest of the cycle. I know this, but sometimes the logical mind and the emotional one are not in sync. I try to imagine a time when it won't be first and foremost in my mind...and wonder if we do ever really reach that place?
It is a very gradual process and I want to be able to wake up one day and have it all be gone-but that's just not reality now is it?!
I don't think you will ever be over it no matter what the outcome. It was a form of innocence/ignorance that you have lost. Not necessarily a bad thing.
I still have bad days. Not many, but they do still happen. I'm at the point where I recognize it and withdraw until I turn it around. It use to take me days or weeks to come back out of my cave. I have it down to hours now.
Hi Me2 I just read thru your thread and wanted to offer some additional thoughts. It is just from my experience but perhaps some of it may be of use to you.
My WAH just returned 6 weeks ago. He had an ow that I only recently discovered via email as well. The letters they exchanged were so raunchy. It was a horrible way to discover that H was not only unhappy with me but sexually involved with someone else for 7 months. H had alleged he only wanted out of our bad marriage-always denied there was ow. 2weeks ago we ran into her at a club and she came up to us and started talking to H. She backed off and left us alone but I finally got to see the little twinkie. I wonder what would have happened if I reacted like someone from the Jerry Springer show? I just looked at her and had a nice smile on my face. Not because I am so virtuous but I guess because he IS with me. I still have the emails in my dresser drawer. I refuse to look at them. It only puts garbage in my head. I keep saying to myself....'H picked me. He is with me..She saw him with me'. You see..I have to choose what thoughts I allow in my head. Do I imagine him in bed with her and feel depressed? OR do I think of ways to be a good wife? Believe me it is tempting to try and punish H and throw her in his face when I want to. I choose to keep the past in the past, daily. Also..I want my former marriage to H to stay in the past,too. We are trying to build something new. The old ways of relating have to stay away. Can you find a book on rebuilding marriage? What about something like Light His Fire? If the sparks are gone..dont we have a part in trying to put them back? Rather than wait for the other person to initiate something? How long did you DB? Are you not thrilled to have him back? Perhaps there is more to your story than this thread. I only mean to encourage you- not condemn. I am just so glad to have an opportunity to have a 2nd chance with H. If I feel myself going into the taking for granted mode- I want to get us help ASAP. There are a couple of books I have on order..Love Life for every married couple (It is Christian) is one of them. I think not feeling married would not feel so good. I hope you and H can somehow move to a more fulfilling relationship. I just offered my situation to let you know it is possible. Jilly
Thanks for your words and ONCE AGAIN you are right! Time may not be able to completely heal all my wounds, but over time I believe I will learn to trust in him and our marriage again.
Our C sessions are spaced over a month in between now-and I hope they will cease within the next few months...I also wish my H would continue on his own, the C and I spoke about this the other day (H was about 20 minutes late) and she thinks it would help him to open up more, but neither one of us think he would be very receptive-I have been trying to think of a way to approach him on that....just gonna let it ride for a while.
Jilly, I also want to thank you...sometimes it helps to have someone just say "look at what you have" and remind us to count our blessings. Yes, I am happy that my H is with me, he never left....well, we were never separated SEPARATED over the A..he was overseas for a year for his job and met her at the 'halfway' point between there and here (he was in the mid east-she's in Germany...where the plane would stop over) and the A was over 6 months before he came home-it was pretty short lived and a long-distance thing too. I have much to be thankful for, and I am, but the deamons are still lurking in my head....all the same things we all try so hard not to think about... but I sometimes wonder if H "choose" me because of other reasons than me and his commitment to us. Like our kids, house, (his motorcycles) and what we've built together over the past 10 years, etc. Of course we've talked through all that-but there is still a small part of me that just isn't so sure....we are talking though, more than we used to-but he usually sees me upset and asks if I want to talk. Last time he did I said, "no I want to hear you talk". He actually did...a little, but I still had to sort of get the ball rolling.
I am beginning to believe that his A was not even about me. It was about him. I didn't cause it, although I take partial blame for certain problems in our marriage over the years....but overall it was HIS decision. See, I believed we were getting on pretty well before he left for overseas...we have always been buddies and kidded around with each other and generally cooperated in the house/kids..he is just so closed off with his emotions and how he feels deep inside. Partly due to the way he was raised and partly because of his carrer choice and the resulting training. At any rate, I am finding us getting that 'friendship' back and things seem to be back to "normal" and it scares the heck out of me. If I didn't recognize problems before-than how will I now?
Anyway, thanks and I do have more to say (I rarely miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut-LOL) but I have to go....will have more time tomorrow.
Reading provides great insight and ideas. Just don't forget to do something special each and every day. All the little things we do or don't do add up over time. Little things like holding W's hand while we fall asleep at night or a message on the bathroom mirror in lipstick have profound affects. I usually spend a little time each day thinking about how I will try to make today special.
Me2, You are still realing from the hurt of the A. It's OK! Trust does not necessarily come as quickly as forgiveness. H's actions will rule how slow or quick trust returns. You are doing well to focus on your own bad feelings, knowing that they are caused by you. It will get better.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 03-16-2001).]
Me2- I just wanted to share that I know where you are coming from. I am by no means completely over what I have been thru. What you have shared about your situation in many parallels mine: H's affair was a lot about himself. I am just choosing each day to look forward. I had a hard weekend helping H pack up his 'bachelor pad'. There was framed pictures of the vacation they went on together up on a shelf. Of course they went in the trash......but I love what Kent said about making efforts toward making each day special. Touch is also very important in communicating care- not just sex.
I am learning so much about living one day at a time and making the most of each day... Best wishes to you .....Jilly
Living one day at a time is about the only way I manage to get through the days. I realize that I am luckier than most...I have read quite a few posts on some of the other topics and no longer post there because I feel like I'm 'sniveling' and that a lot of people would tell me that I should just shut up about it already and be thankful for what I have. And I am, that's not it....H and I get along very well-sex is great and we do touch and hug and are buddies, laughing and joking, manage to maintain a united front where the kids are concerned...and therein lies my concern.
It's the way it was before the A. Except maybe now I'm more in tune with "it" it's like I have my eyes open now. I try not have unrealistic expectations anymore but it's as if I am holding my breath-waiting. It's very scary to be back here because I did not see it coming then. I was very niave. Will I recognize it if there is a next time? H says I do not need to worry about that. Yeah, I didn't think I had to worry about it then.
H is not a communicator. I told him the other day (we were having an argument-very civilized but still a disagreement...not about A-I didn't even bring it up) anyway, I told him that he wouldn't say SH^$&@#T if he had a mouth full of it. He was pretty much quiet after that. I think because he knew I was right, and because he knows his silence gets to me...he really does know how to push my buttons...or rather, he DID. I am not the same person I was before A. Normally I would have kept talking and trying to get him to talk-this time I let it go. I have been doing this since around January-a 180 or sorts and he is beginning to realize it's not just a passing thing.
I know that I am capable of forgiving him; and I really do want to, I want a life with him and our family-just like we've always planned (even while his A was going on)...I think I already forgave him or I would not be here, but I am not entirely sure I will ever trust him again. Not like I used to.
Living for today and believing in tomorrow is the best adivce I can give. And to be thankful I never had to be faced with any things or reminders or mementoes from his A, I could not imagine helping him pack up a place he was with OW...wow Jilly, you're a very strong person-kudos to you! There are a few things I believe he got from her; how many men buy themselves aftershave? He never has before, and it's a kind he's never worn before....he says it's not from her, I accepted that, but don't believe it; and also the necklace-he doesn't wear necklaces-partly due to his job (no jewelry) and I've never known him to wear one even when he's not working. I keep my feelings on that to myself..or vent here-I realize he has enough to deal with that he doesn't need to hear that from me over and over.
Lucky? Yeah, I am. Bettter for it? Nope, not in a million years will I ever believe that one. Especially now that we're back to 'the way we were' so to speak.
I will try to stay focused. And help him to make our marriage a place where we want to be, where he can be truely open and let me in to the place in himself he's kept hidden from me for so long.
Thanks you guys (Kent and Jillie) I know what to do...sometimes the logical mind and the emotional one are not in synch.
******************************************* I am learning so much about living one day at a time and making the most of each day... *******************************************
I finally figured this out as well. When I spent most my time thinking about tomorrow, I was missing out on the opportunity ot live.
Overall you and H seem to be doing really well. I do share some of your feelings regarding trust and the possibility of A occuring again.
Just last night as H is expressing how happy he is and I am 'the one' and we are together,etc....I am thinking..yeah for now.. But what about forever? You used to say you would never leave me and we would always be together. Why should I believe those words now? And in fact I did tell him how I was feeling. He could not provide me with anything other than words he felt sincere about NOW. Its like it is a circumstantial happiness. What about when tough times come again as they inevitably do? What about the normal ebb and flow of emotional intensity? H says we have an 'awareness' that we didnt have before. I am not so sure that is enough. But it is that 'one day at a time' thing again... Focus on making each day count... that I am relying on. I know I refer to a lot of different books on marriage but they really have helped me. Willard Harley has some excellent ones. I havent read his book on Surviving an Affair- or title somewhat like that...but he has said in other books that no one should completely trust another person. Not even a couple with a very strong marriage. We are all human and fallible. Plus...if one knows that the other needs to be answered to...one is less likely to fall into deception. If I dont trust H completely...and I dont....it helps him be more accountable and sensitive to me. Like when he said he would be home at 10 and I didnt hear from him at 11...he had some splainin' to do. So...I guess I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in your feelings. I am still working all this out,too. It IS hard when the hurt/anger creeps in. Betrayal is a deep wound that takes time to heal. At some point I need to talk to H to try and tell him what this all really did to me. I know he knows it was wrong and it hurt me but he really doesnt understand how this whole thing affected me and how profoundly deep the wound is. We are going to Retrouvaille this weekend. Perhaps there will be an opportunity there. Jilly
Hi folks, So glad more people are writing in this forum. It has helped me hugely to get support from those in this segment of the journey. I'm happy to report that my "noncommunicative" H is becoming much more talkative. It really does seem like a miracle to me. We've still got plenty to straighten out and I'm learning that it's going to straighten out differently than I'd imagined because my H is taking such an active role that it's a joint creation. Our relationship is almost like a child, something we've created that has a life all it's own. We are actually beginning to understand each other I think (sure hope so !) I have been able to be very emotional and say exactly what's on my mind in a kind, non-blaming way and he's understanding and not withdrawing. This makes me feel free and like I've got a real partner. He tells me that he's feeling understood also. I'm feeling loved, getting pretty close to feeling like he's ready to be really married --or maybe I'm just starting to see it. Know there will be tough days ahead too and yearn for some boring days. Hope I'll learn to be better ready for the harder days and keep an even keel.
I just looked at her and had a nice smile on my face. Not because I am so virtuous but I guess because he IS with me.