First off I have lurked here for a few months but this is my first post. First I have read Sex Starved marriage and have a few questions. Secondly my relationship is not a marriage but with a girlfirend who I have been with for almost four years, and we want to get married but this issue stands in our way.
Overall we appear to be a text book case of her being LD and me being HD. The book really helped us but I still have some questions that I hope to have answered here.
The book really helped us understand each other and overall our where we were each coming from. After reading the book the amount of sex we have been having has increased but I am still finding my self unsatisfied for several reasons.
Overall I think my unstatisfaction is because despite more sex it seems she doesn't enjoy it any more then before, and the increased numbers don't neccessarily mean more quality or satisfaction. Now don't get me wrong bless her heart for trying but in the book in recomends that the LD person 'just do it' but maybe it isn't 'just doing it' that the HD person is looking for, maybe he is looking for a mutual reciprocity of passion and sexuality that 'just doing it' doesn't satisfy.
For example I love her so much and she is my best friend but she has no libido. If we have sex it is to appease me and she is a trooper about it and cares for me and loves me and wants me to be happy but for whatever reason she doesn't get turned on or have a libido. All you HD people know how this can make a guy feel, what it does to his self esteem and confidence. I am an attractive, fit, active guy who feels so lonely, unattractive and sexually ignored.
In her defense she is trying but she literlly has no libido, has never masterbated, never had a sexual fantasy, and doesn't really understand sexuality. Despite my pleading she will not initiate sex and if she does it is just "maybe we can go in the bed room..." or somthing like that which is'nt bad, but she is saying it because she knows we should have sex...not becuase she really wants to. I never get any of the attention during foreplay and sex is always the same routine and generally passionless.
What do we do? The book does a great job of helping each other understand the person perspective, but in the case of no libido what is next?
After reading the success story thread and reading posts by some one named..I think MRSNOP....it seems that the best case scenerio is that she will use her desire to please me to act in the way I want...but even MRSNOP who seems to be one of the rare succes stories concedes her desire never increased.
If best case scenerio is passionless appeasment sex I am not sure I can keep going. Especially with how hard the little bit of improvement we have made so far has been.
Isn't there ways to increase Libido? I mean this book and forum look at so many ways to fix the situation but non of them appear to directly address Low libido. It so hard for me as the HD person to wrap my mind around the fact that she doesn't get horny ever...I have reaccuring nightmeres that she is cheating on me and when I confront her about it she tells me her other lover is just better, or bigger, or better looking etc...I always feel that it is my defincy in bed or in how I look ect.. that causes this problem.
Well, my first instinct was to tell you to get out while the gettins good. It's VERY hard to change someone's libido. So many factos play into it, biology, psychology, etc How old are you?
10 to 1 I bet her issues are all wrapped up in her FOO. What you are seeing is probably only the tip of the iceberg. The rest usually comes out little by little and not in full force until after you have kids. So if you’re not even married yet, I’d follow LFL’s advice.
Thanks for the replies. we have been going through this for a while, and every thing you say is true. As far as leaving that is sooo hard, because I love her so much and she loves me so much. We are best friends, and she really loves me and cares for me...she just doesn't have the libido.
I can't imagine walking away but at the same time I fear this will be a life long problem, that is why I am putting off mariage, but how long do we work on this? It just seems there has to be more we can do to fix this.
This problem is taking a toll on both of us, and is so hard for me because I have no one to talk to. We have been doing better at talking about it, but generally when I bring it up it turns into such an ordeall that I feel it would have been better to stay silent...but then I build resentment and frustrtion. Overall the situation is incredabily frustrating because I feel like there is no one to talk to and no solution and staying in this sexless relationship and leaving seem like both horrible options.
If I were to talk to her today she would be horribly confused because just yesterday she offered a 'quicky' but it felt so much like she was doing it because we hadn't had sex in a week and she wanted to do her part but there was no passion or foreplay. There has been some progress the last few weeks so I want to keep trying, but her desire seems to be the biggest hurdle.
I think it is hard for her to understand the whole desire thing, because she has never really been that kind of person so she can't really understand what it means to be horny and just want some one. I long for her to want me, to think I am hot, etc...I think that is why I am having those insecure dreams about her getting the sex she wants from some one else...I have a fear that I am not what she wants sexualiy.
The last discussion we had we talked about things we both wanted out of the relationship, and she gav me a list of things like treating her better, giving her more time and making her feel special I told her I was happy to do tose things, and that I probably wan't because of resentment. After reading the book I think she understood that. I have been trying to do all those things and we are making some improvement but she still hase libido problems. But I guess she wouldn't neccessarilly think it is 'libido problems' because she would say that is just how she is and thinks that is normal.
Is it normal to never have sexual fantesies or masterbate to ever get horny? I just wish there was somthing we could do to increase her libido just a little, because I think it would help what we are going alot and make our struggle with this problem so much easier.
Any way thanks for listening this message board is my only outlet so it feels really good to get some of this out.
slipperysammy This may be hard to believe, but the situation you described is very common. In fact, I relate to 90% of what you listed there myself as I am nearly in the same boat. Though, you have a huge leg up on a lot of us here in that your partner is putting forth effort and actually trying. That is a very positive foundation to build on.
To get more specific, I vehemently disagree with the “just do it” concept. As you are already realizing, passionless appeasement sex is not going to work for long. Eventually, resentment will build and then everything will break loose. You need to stop just doing it for your pleasure alone and find positive pleasures for your partner. Though, it is perfectly fine if you both have different definitions for pleasure. For example, your partner might get emotional pleasures from an encounter. There is a book called “The Pleasure Zone” that does a great job of explaining this concept. Though, the bottom line is that she needs to get something significant out of it too.
Since your partner has little experience and no fantasy head, expecting her to be creative and just come up with idea on her own is unrealistic. Instead, my best advice to you would be to own the fact that you will probably have to drive the process of exploration into her pleasures. My suggestion would be start exploring physically that is more mental and spiritual. Simply trying out new physical methods is probably not going to work. For example, popping in a porno and saying, “hey, let’s do that” is probably not going to yield results.
Hope this helps
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Has your girlfriend talked to a doctor about this? Maybe there is something chemically wrong with her? Thyroid? Just throwing out some ideas.
I had hoped for a libido change when I was dating too. That was a LONG time ago Wish I had some better advice for you. At least she is talking about it. Maybe a sex therapist? though they usually don't accept insurance.
She is trying...after a long hard fought battle and reading sex starved marriage she seemed to understand things better and how frustrated and lonely I can feel.
I think we need to talk more about the things you mentioned. I hate bringing this topic up because of the emotions and stress that ensues but I will have to at some point.
I didn't catch your age group but gather you have been together for 4 years with your girl friend and potential wife. I have struggled with a libidoless wife for 10 years, but that was after 15+ years of a reasonable sex life. Based on my experience, I don't believe there is any obvious ways of turning around someone's sex drive - the professionals we have encountered only seem to offer minimal help to us. There is nothing much to lose, however, in seeking professional advice, just don't raise expectations too high. It would appear that a relatively frequent "mutual" sex life is important to you and that you would not be satisfied with the status quo of duty sex every now and again. I doubt that it is very likely that your girl friend will develop a sex drive on her own and I wonder how many years she would even want to engage in duty sex, as unsatisfying as that is to you? I would advise you to explore with your girl friend whether she is willing to obtain professional advice in this area in order that the two of you could be more sexually compatible - on the other hand she may well be of the point of view that you are the one with the "problem" and that she doesn't need to change, rather you should lower your expectations in this area.
Anyway, based on my sexless marriage for the past ten years (except the odd duty sex encounter) I would not wish a sexless marraige on any spouse that has a reasonable sex drive - it will drive you into misery and eventually end up in a failed relationship. Bottom line - I would not get married until there was a reasonable level of sexual compatability.
I think your ages matter here, I would also like to know whether you were ever passionate together or has it always been like this?
I don't think there is much you can do to change her natural libido as long as you are sure it is her natural level, which if she has never MB then probably is so. It would be like trying to change her natural height or skin colour or something. We are very variable as humans and this is one of the variations.
My own libido increased with age. I did not have a high sex drive as a teen or in my early twenties, it gradually increased and in my 30s it was ridiculous and now I'm in my 40s it is still high but not as distractingly high as it was in my 30s. I know many other women for whom this is the case. Men's libido on the other hand seems to head in the opposite direction. Starting off high and gradually diminishing.
How do your sexual encounters play out, do you take plenty of time over the foreplay, do you talk to her in a sexy way, will she talk at all during sex? When I was younger and used to get easily distracted (thinking about something else entirely) during sex, my bf would keep talking in a sexy way and make me talk back to keep my mind on it. This kept me on topic until I could get properly aroused. With LD women sex really is a mind game, sexy music in the background can help. Watching a very mildly erotic movie can help - a love story with a little bit of emotionally connected passionate LM in it rather than any thing raunchy. Keeping track of her cycles can help too. It is a fact that women are hornier around ovulation time. Is she on the BC pill or any other type of hormonal BC - this can have a devastating effect on a woman's libido, maybe it's time to look into another method.
How often/easily does she achieve orgasm? I would aim to get her to O about once a week but not more. I remember having the feeling that I only had so many O's per week in me and if BF tried to ML too often it was just a chore to try to get me to O. I'd have been happier with quickies and once a week long slow passionate session. As I say, this improved as I got older and now I O very easily and if H was up for it I would be quite happy to ML passionately 3 or 4 times a week.
There are of course various herbal remedies which claim to increase libido but I can't vouch for any of them.
If not having a better sex life is a deal breaker for you then I would certainly say end it before you sign yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment in bed. I know you love her dearly but it is a very high price to pay and there are many long years ahead of you.
good luck
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Wish I had some better advice for you. At least she is talking about it. Maybe a sex therapist? though they usually don't accept insurance.