Living one day at a time is about the only way I manage to get through the days. I realize that I am luckier than most...I have read quite a few posts on some of the other topics and no longer post there because I feel like I'm 'sniveling' and that a lot of people would tell me that I should just shut up about it already and be thankful for what I have. And I am, that's not it....H and I get along very well-sex is great and we do touch and hug and are buddies, laughing and joking, manage to maintain a united front where the kids are concerned...and therein lies my concern.
It's the way it was before the A. Except maybe now I'm more in tune with "it" it's like I have my eyes open now. I try not have unrealistic expectations anymore but it's as if I am holding my breath-waiting. It's very scary to be back here because I did not see it coming then. I was very niave. Will I recognize it if there is a next time? H says I do not need to worry about that. Yeah, I didn't think I had to worry about it then.
H is not a communicator. I told him the other day (we were having an argument-very civilized but still a disagreement...not about A-I didn't even bring it up) anyway, I told him that he wouldn't say SH^$&@#T if he had a mouth full of it. He was pretty much quiet after that. I think because he knew I was right, and because he knows his silence gets to me...he really does know how to push my buttons...or rather, he DID. I am not the same person I was before A. Normally I would have kept talking and trying to get him to talk-this time I let it go. I have been doing this since around January-a 180 or sorts and he is beginning to realize it's not just a passing thing.
I know that I am capable of forgiving him; and I really do want to, I want a life with him and our family-just like we've always planned (even while his A was going on)...I think I already forgave him or I would not be here, but I am not entirely sure I will ever trust him again. Not like I used to.
Living for today and believing in tomorrow is the best adivce I can give. And to be thankful I never had to be faced with any things or reminders or mementoes from his A, I could not imagine helping him pack up a place he was with OW...wow Jilly, you're a very strong person-kudos to you! There are a few things I believe he got from her; how many men buy themselves aftershave? He never has before, and it's a kind he's never worn before....he says it's not from her, I accepted that, but don't believe it; and also the necklace-he doesn't wear necklaces-partly due to his job (no jewelry) and I've never known him to wear one even when he's not working. I keep my feelings on that to myself..or vent here-I realize he has enough to deal with that he doesn't need to hear that from me over and over.
Lucky? Yeah, I am. Bettter for it? Nope, not in a million years will I ever believe that one. Especially now that we're back to 'the way we were' so to speak.
I will try to stay focused. And help him to make our marriage a place where we want to be, where he can be truely open and let me in to the place in himself he's kept hidden from me for so long.
Thanks you guys (Kent and Jillie) I know what to do...sometimes the logical mind and the emotional one are not in synch.
