Thanks for your words and ONCE AGAIN you are right! Time may not be able to completely heal all my wounds, but over time I believe I will learn to trust in him and our marriage again.
Our C sessions are spaced over a month in between now-and I hope they will cease within the next few months...I also wish my H would continue on his own, the C and I spoke about this the other day (H was about 20 minutes late) and she thinks it would help him to open up more, but neither one of us think he would be very receptive-I have been trying to think of a way to approach him on that....just gonna let it ride for a while.
Jilly, I also want to thank you...sometimes it helps to have someone just say "look at what you have" and remind us to count our blessings. Yes, I am happy that my H is with me, he never left....well, we were never separated SEPARATED over the A..he was overseas for a year for his job and met her at the 'halfway' point between there and here (he was in the mid east-she's in Germany...where the plane would stop over) and the A was over 6 months before he came home-it was pretty short lived and a long-distance thing too. I have much to be thankful for, and I am, but the deamons are still lurking in my head....all the same things we all try so hard not to think about... but I sometimes wonder if H "choose" me because of other reasons than me and his commitment to us. Like our kids, house, (his motorcycles) and what we've built together over the past 10 years, etc. Of course we've talked through all that-but there is still a small part of me that just isn't so sure....we are talking though, more than we used to-but he usually sees me upset and asks if I want to talk. Last time he did I said, "no I want to hear you talk". He actually did...a little, but I still had to sort of get the ball rolling.
I am beginning to believe that his A was not even about me. It was about him. I didn't cause it, although I take partial blame for certain problems in our marriage over the years....but overall it was HIS decision. See, I believed we were getting on pretty well before he left for overseas...we have always been buddies and kidded around with each other and generally cooperated in the house/kids..he is just so closed off with his emotions and how he feels deep inside. Partly due to the way he was raised and partly because of his carrer choice and the resulting training. At any rate, I am finding us getting that 'friendship' back and things seem to be back to "normal" and it scares the heck out of me. If I didn't recognize problems before-than how will I now?
Anyway, thanks and I do have more to say (I rarely miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut-LOL) but I have to go....will have more time tomorrow.
