I was good....didn't bring up OR- or why I was upset, I was not moody/unhappy/ angry/hurt/resentful-I tried to be as normal as I could be.
He brought it up just before we fell asleep. He said he was sorry for hurting me so deeply. He said he had nothing with OW and that it was all a lie. He did not remember setting up another IM account and had not talked to OW in over a year (she confirmed this in Nov) and I told him I believed him, I was not upset because I thought he was still in contact with OW, but that he was still holding back, and that it was like he was afraid to talk to me about his feelings at the time of his A and what/how he got to a place where he felt he had to do that. I told him that I realize I have not made it easy over the years for him to talk to me...which is funny because that's how we started out-as friends and all we did was talk - BOTH of us. I said that I was working hard on tempering my reactions, trying to hold my tongue more and not be so obvious with my emotions. He said he recognized the changes and that he could also see that sometimes it was difficult for me.
I need to figure out what exactly I want and what exactly I need and what exactly I expect from my marriage-like Kent said in another post....separate those things. I was living in a dream world before the A believing my marriage was so solid and that he meant his vows as much as I did (about the whole forsaking all others thing). I guess I made my marriage into something it was not-and maybe never could be.
I see commercials on TV of couples together and happy-go-lucky and it turns my stomach...one in particular I HATE is the one where the man takes his wife into an empty movie theater and they start watching their wedding video...then he gives her a 3-diamond anniversary ring..makes me want to HURL. My own fault for wanting that to be my reality. I understand that TV is make believe and that our real lives are in fact much different. (I also hate the Sandals Beach resort ones....)
Sometimes I don't even feel married anymore-it's like we're just living together. That bond was broken.
On the up side, I'm still here and I will try to make today a better day...but I wonder if I will ever feel the same about him? About our marriage?
L
p.s. one bit of excitement last night...the heimlick manuever works...after 4 thrusts I dislodged a butterscotch disk from my 5 year olds throat. VERY SCARY. I think my BP is finally back to normal now. H was right there with us-and managed to make us all laugh shortly thereafter.
