I just finished posting to ALTL's thread, and like I said I backslided this morning, pretty bad....already had one short phone conversation with H about it, sent him a much revised email (toned it WAY down after I tried to gain perspective), anyway, I logged into the IM account that I caught H talking to OW (and me) on and there was a message from the administrator of an IM account he never told me about, it was one he set up for OW and the screen name was 'special' to them (although he denies this and says he got the name by just clicking open Webster's going to the "N's" and there it was...which is a crock-because the word isn't even IN Websters).
Snooping, yes, AND I know I should not..but I have feelt a distance growing between us over the past few weeks, and I cannot shake the feeling that he still isn't being completely honest with me-like you said ALTL-he's so good at deceiving me...and I am so transparent-it IS personally uncomfortable for me to hide my emotions. I don't believe in 'playing games', never have, but here in the past few months...I'm trying to learn to be a master player and it feels very un-natural.
Anyway-I think I uncovered yet ANOTHER account he set up to talk to OW, even though the message from the administrator came back saying 'It's been over 6 months since you logged into your account-do you still want this account?' I tried to log in but could not figure out the password, I asked that it be mailed to me-didn't come to the account I have access to...so I have no other options-it's a dead-end situation unless he comes clean, I will never get into the IM account-he's even denied he set it up...same old lies.
I do believe he has not been in it for over 6 months, and OW confirmed that she had not heard from him in since a year ago Jan (she did this in Nov)...why is this so hard to let go of? It's like he's given me the truth is such bits and pieces, I'm still waiting for the 'rest of the story'. We have discussed this, together and with the C...I still can't shake the feeling there is more I don't know. I am obsessing BIG TIME. I am educated (moderately!) and recognize my behavior (the snooping)...but feel helpless to stop it. I do not trust him, yet I want him to tell me the whole truth...BUT what do I believe, and when do I feel he's told me everything? How do I get myself out of this vicious circle?
Am gonna pull out DB again and start reading again....I think I need to invest in After the Affair" too.
