To not hijack V/Z-Bube, I’m pulling up your old thread in reference to a post I made on his thread:
I was thinking about your sitch, in my usual Schnarchian way and wondered if there was any correlation to one of those couples in the book. Remember the first couple (Carol & Roger?). He was HD, she was LD. As she detached, found herself and worked through her issues, she realized how much Fred and her guilt held her back, made her feel less valued, etc., and she became more sexual and HD. Roger then lost his drive. Remember why? He used his sex drive as a tool to control Carol and vent his anger. As long as she bought into the line that she was “defective” she stayed in a subjugated role and he controlled the marriage. When she decided to no longer play the victim, he felt powerless and lost his erection.
I am wondering if this same dynamic could apply to you and your wife, as far as your relationship goes and a possible motivator behind your HD and your wife’s apparent ND? Is there some control aspect to your behavior that contributes to your HD and her ND? Do you think she might feel that you push for sex in a way that feels like control (and maybe even punishment) to her in some way, so she detaches, which makes you angrier and push harder for sex, ratcheting up the cycle and further exacerbating her ND? Could that be barely possible?
