god how do you get around the "stop focusing on it and stop thinking about it" trap? this is impossible it seems. i want to post CeMar's response in another thread... which is remarkable because this is *exactly* what happened to my fiance. only her father left when she was 6, and her mother died when she was 9... she moved in with her aunt and unkle and had to help raise their kids without much love from her new "parents"...
"You have a problem very similar to my wifes. My wife had horrible divorced parents and ended up running the household from the age of 9 on. She raised her brothers and sisters, sometimes for days with no adults around at all. She now suffers from the "Who wants to want syndrome". What that means is that as a child, you are looking for love, warmth, security, etc.. from your parents, and when they are not there or when they do not come throught with these things, or they constantly failed you as a child, you learn to stop wanting these things. In effect, all the people you were supposed to "Want" in life failed you, and so to insulate yourself from a failed relationship, you avoid any level of initmacy. That way you can not be hurt when this person close to you eventually fails you, as do all people in your life. You are trying to avoid wanting something that might hurt you in the long run, so you avoid "wanting" all together. In order to have true intimacy with another person, you have to lay EVERYTHING on the line, you have to become completely vulnerable, you have to RISK everything for real intimacy and love, and because of the LACK of love in childhood, you are trying to protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt, which in the long run, you will CAUSE this hurt to happen." ...posted by CeMar
i MUST share this insight with my fiance. it's going to be tricky, but this is unbelievably accurate. is this a clinical condition? because it seems to make a lot of sense. does recognizing it change anything though?
