Quote: It is the feast that is spread before the starving man. When she feeds you, it will not be from the scrumptious dishes you see before you each day and hunger for. It will be a cracker or a bit of crust she throws your way to keep you happy. . . well, not "happy," but it will keep you there, by her side.
Extremely well put, hairdog. Just change the gender references in that paragraph, and you have the sitch of the HD women who post here.
It occurred to me over the weekend that one of the things I really want (and remember from time to time in past R's, and I think you do, too, hd) is that feeling every now and then of being at the table (actually, in the bed) and being totally satiated, full to overflowing, absolutely content-- from loving sex, affection, EC-- not having to fight for it or eat quickly because the entree was about to be removed and you wouldn't see it again for months... the feeling of abundant pleasure and plenty of time to enjoy it with an enthusiastic-- not just willing, but enthusiastic-- partner...
I get very wistful for those kind of times. Unfortunately for all of us, we not only have the goal in mind of wanting the sexual banquet but we want it with a particular person who doesn't want that or who, at any rate, prefers to keep to their diet all the time. The thing that always hangs me up is that I not only want that but I want it from my H. Not only does he not seem to want it but he can't even see it as someting to want.
wow, hairdog, those posts were a rude awakening for me. even though we are making some progress in our communication, and she knows i am thinking about leaving, i need to seriously consider the fact that she will *never* be like "that" (ripping my clothes off HD). and as much as i love her i need to realize that. i've read some of the success stories here. and i still believe we can be one. but can our defintions of "success" ever match? since we started reading SSM together and i've stopped keeping her up at night and begun communicating, i have seen her "recognize" her LD. and, like i said, she knows i am serious about this to leave if nothing happens. but i don't think the breadcrumbs (great analogy) will ever amount to enough. and i hate to say that. but, you're right, i am lucky to not be married yet and not have kids.
one of the things i want to ask her over the next few days (really on our last legs, i'm afraid)... is where she imagines us one day. and hold her to it. she may say "to see you happy"... but i need her to know what that means. and whether she really imagines herself capable of it. i wrote her a letter and i have been very supportive. but the ball is in her court.
lastly, she suggested we rent a "steamy" movie last night. which turned into a disaster. i thought it meant she may want to mess around, but it turns out she thought it would "appease" me in the absense of her affection. i told her i had no interest in the movie, and all i was thinking about was her. it's amazing how different HD and LD people can think when it comes to the basics about sex and turn-ons.
thank you, hairdog, for your inspirational advice. no i have never been married. and i really don't want to be in a SSM in 3 years with a kid. that is very possible unless i put my foot down. i love her with all my heart and i would do anything for us. but unless she says she wants to be the HD mate that i need in life, i know we have nothing to work towards and i need to leave. i have changed the best that i can to be a patient, loving, communicating, and hide any resentment or frustration.
the day of reckoning is at hand. thanks guys. wish me luck.
Maybe, I'm so glad you took hairdog's advice to heart. If you think it would be awful for you to be stuck in a sexless marriage in three years with a couple of kids, think about how awful it would be to be in the same sexless marriage in 25 years with a couple of kids headed for college.
There is nothing wrong with realizing that a strong sexual connection is a necessity for you in your marriage. There are women out there who feel exactly the same way. Besides, down the road your fairly constant need for sexual interaction will not only make you feel deprived, but it will make HER feel bad because she can't match your level of interest. It's a recipe for failure. NOT the way you want to start a marriage.
That wasn't the one I was thinking of. Perhaps you were not the author (although it appears to be your "style") but here it is:
Quote:
Oh my goodness, Scott. I wish I were you. I think I am married to your fiance's twin. Same issues; same arguments; same unwillingness to admit any ownership of the problem; same insistence that, if I just relax and "not focus on sex" that it may or may not get better, but I must love her just the same and concentrate on "growing closer."
Here are the differences between your sitch and mine: We are married. We have one child together, and I have three kids from a prior marriage who view her as a great stepmom. There are other differences, probably, but those are the main ones, and, to me, the only relevant ones.
Scott, if I didn't have children in common with my W, I would divorce her. Don't get me wrong...I love this woman. But, like you, I don't feel particularly loved BY her. Oh sure, she insists that she loves me, and she wants me to be confident of her love for me. But to me, those are empty words that match the feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be a battle just to get your wife to admit that your needs are valid. It shouldn't be a battle just to touch and be touched. Sex, as I recall, can be quite fun.
But not with a woman like your GF or my W. The only "fun" thing about sex with them is remembering how good it used to be. The fun disappears when you compare it with current reality.
And what is up with their insistence that, if we just don't "focus on sex" for some indeterminate period of time, the problems will be solved? And, like you, when you intentionally avoid the subject of sex for weeks or months, absolutely nothing happens. You don't feel closer to her because, well, you need the physical contact in order to feel close. And she doesn't feel any closer to you because she can get inside your head and she knows you are full of anger and resentment over the whole issue. Of course, you can't talk about it with her because it involves sex and that is the very subject you're supposed to NOT BE FOCUSING ON.
(sidenote: Do they fail to understand that by telling us NOT to focus on something, it begins to engulf us? It's like telling the guy holding the armload of boxes to ignore his itching nose.)
You say that her "plan" puts most of the effort on your lap. Welcome to my world, Scott. It is up to you to make your GF's world perfect, after which, she may or may not grace you with the gift of her body. And if she does grace you with the gift, don't go thinking that everything is hunky dory. No, my friend. While you weren't looking, while you were in bed with her, the boulder rolled all the way down the hill again. The wheel was un-invented. Get out of bed and start pushing the boulder up the hill again. Start re-inventing the wheel. There is no room for complacency. There is no time to enjoy the afterglow. Get moving.
Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, Scott, and say, "dude, you are exactly where you want to be today! You are in a great relationship with a great woman who, despite her faults, you love deeply. And, despite your faults, she loves you, and shows her love in the way that you want. You are fortunate." Or do you look in the mirror and furrow your brow and say, "dude, it's got to better than this."
I envy you. To me, your path is so clear ahead of you. One road shows me years of effort and frustration and sadness and anger and resentment. The other road...well, who the f!ck cares what the other road looks like? It's another road. And, if it sucks, then you take another. Or another.
You are in your mid-30s. Believe it or not, that's young. You are not married.
I am clearly biased, but I say, go join the land of the living.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
i need to seriously consider the fact that she will *never* be like "that" (ripping my clothes off HD). and as much as i love her i need to realize that. i've read some of the success stories here. and i still believe we can be one
"i still believe we can be one" Maybe you can but be very careful that you don't deceive yourself.
is where she imagines us one day. and hold her to it. 'hold her to it" That is a problem. What does "hold her to it" look like when she has been doing it for 5 years and you have 2 kids and she tells you she "can't" do it anymore?
Anyone can promise to change and change, but situations change. Even if she was hi drive now, having kids could change that. Starting out LD, mentally making herself HD, then kids are added to the mix, there is no guarantee what will happen.
i thought it meant she may want to mess around, but it turns out she thought it would "appease" me in the absence of her affection. i told her i had no interest in the movie Well you have this down pat. some people would have not said anything. It is so important to state your true self in a calm, friendly way.
it's amazing how different HD and LD people can think when it comes to the basics about sex and turn-ons And what LD and HD think is appropriate sexual activities.
There is a biological and chemical drive to mate or be with someone. Don't let your hormones or drive cause you to overlook some differences. Like they say, marriage does not make things improve most of the time, it just causes you to be together more and see the same traits over and over again. some traits are beneficial, some are annoying, and some you eventually can't stand.
There is nothing wrong with realizing that a strong sexual connection is a necessity for you in your marriage. There are women out there who feel exactly the same way. Besides, down the road your fairly constant need for sexual interaction will not only make you feel deprived, but it will make HER feel bad because she can't match your level of interest. It's a recipe for failure. NOT the way you want to start a marriage.
Maybetime I have to agree with Lil here. Not only will you be frustrated but your future W will start to feel like a failure. My H and I are in this position right now. We had a serious discussion about Passion this weekend (which I won't get into here, maybe my own thread), but the main point being that he simply sees passion Very different than me and always will. Even with subtle improvements in our SL, our expectations are so different, it makes things a constant struggle. Please consider this issue Very seriously. It is extremely unlikely she will live up to your expectations. Why put yourself through a lifetime of this if you don't have to??
So that's another vote to run for the hills. And from a woman to boot.
