Quote: Still, if I were me, giving advice to myself back in 1999, I would say this:
1. You are in a good position. You can stay with her as easily as you can cut and run. Your position will change with each commitment. And by "position" I mean this in terms of bargaining, or leverage. Each time you change your relationship, your position will weaken. It will become harder and harder for you to assert yourself. Each financial obligation you enter together. A marriage will greatly change your position. The most significant change to your position, however, is having children with her.
2. You are unhappy with your sexual relationship. It will not get better unless you assert yourself.
3. Asserting yourself does not mean yelling or stomping your feet. It means stating what you want, setting boundaries for what you will and will not accept, and having specific consequences to violations of those boundaries. This is where your “position” comes into play, because the only consequence that means anything to your “fiancee” is you leaving the relationship.
4. Assert yourself by saying, “I am unhappy with the state of our sexual relationship. I would like to see X, Y, and Z happen.” Boundary: “I will not stay in this relationship unless I feel comfortable with the part of it which is sexual. I don’t currently feel that way.” Consequence: “I am out of here.”
And here’s the real trick of it all: you have to mean it. You have to follow through if she doesn’t step up to the plate. Because, if you don’t, you’ll never be in the “position” you’re in right now, again. EVER.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m just trying to share my life’s lesson with you. If this woman loves you, she will do her best to understand and meet your VERY VALID requests. I went along and avoided conflict and ignored all the red flags for way too long. It has improved, lately, and by that I mean that she actually touches me from time to time, and even lets me kiss her each day, as long as I don’t use my icky tongue. Yes, this is an improvement.
No, on second thought, just get the heck out of there.
